Dorinda Medley - Make It Nice

Make It Nice

Dorinda Medley

I dedicate this book to the two most important women in my life:

my mother, Diane Cinkala, and my daughter, Hannah Lynch.

At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.

FRIDA KAHLO

I f I could go back in time and give some advice to the young girl from Great Barrington, Massachusetts, who climbed trees so that she could carve out a place of her own and think, away from her two brothers and sister and the surveillance of her mother, I would tell her to stop worrying about the destination and trust in the journey. To not be afraid of falling short or taking a misstep and to embrace life as it happens. I would tell her that a person is shaped as much by their failures as they are by their successes.

Yesthat girl is me. When I was young, I would look out from the treetops and imagine what the world looked like beyond the bubble of my home. I had no idea what was out there. All I knew was that I had to see it.

Its funny that, right now, I am writing a book about my life in the same Great Barrington, a town I so desperately wanted to venture beyond. I spent my early life devising ways to leave this small town in the Berkshires. And then, after many years of adulting life, I tried my hardest to figure out how to return home.

As a young girl I used to idolize a house on a hill that was a mile from our home. It seemed so far out of reach. Well, somehow, many years later, I now find myself owning this home. What had once seemed out of reach was now mine. Sometimes, when I look out the window, I think, How the hell did I get here?

Ive spent the last forty years in many places: Great Barrington, New York, Hong Kong, Australia, Paris, Vienna, Germany, London. During this time, Ive created successful businesses and taken pride in my work, be it as a Liz Claiborne associate, an aerobics instructor, a cashmere designer, a real estate agent, a mother, or a housewife (for both my own family and later my Bravo family). I have had great loves in my life that didnt turn out the way I expected. I never imagined I would end up a divorce or a widow when I got married, but now I can say that Im glad for both of these experiences. My first husband and I didnt make it, but together we raised an incredible daughter with the help of our new life partners. Ours is a family of stepparents and stepchildren whom we never referred to as step. What says it all is that my first husband was one of only a few people who were at my second husbands bedside when he died.

Im going to quote my mother a lot in this book, because she is one of my greatest influences. She once told me that the most beautiful wines in the world are made from the grapes that struggle the most. Those grapes have thicker skin, and they might look a little more beat-up than the pretty grapes, but inside they have an incredibly rich juice. Theyre perfectly imperfect, and thats what makes them so delicious.

For the majority of my life I was fearful of showing the imperfect sides of myself, of falling short of the ideal, of being a bad mother, wife, daughter, or friend. I believed perfection was the definition of success and that if I could be the best mother, the best wife, and the best daughter I would feel fulfilled. The problem with this, however, is that I left the best me out of that equation. I let myself be defined by other peoples opinions of me and found myself not knowing what I liked, wanted, or desired.

Before I decided to join Bravos Real Housewives of New York City, Im not sure I fully knew who I was beyond the roles I played for other people. I knew myself as Dorinda Cinkala, the daughter of John and Diane Cinkala. I knew myself as Dorinda Lynch, the wife of Ralph Lynch and the mother to Hannah Lynch. And I certainly knew myself as Mrs. Medley, the powerhouse wife of Dr. Richard Medley.

But who was Dorinda?

I was determined to find out. I was done wasting my time trying to please other people. I accepted that I was perfectly imperfect and I stopped needing everyone to like me. And the most amazing thing happened. I finally started to feel free.

Anyone who has seen me on The Real Housewives probably knows that shiny faades do nothing for me. I want to know whats really going on behind that faade. I gravitate toward people who show up authentically as themselves because thats how I like to show up nowas myself.

The decision to become a more authentic version of myself didnt happen overnight. Old habits run deep. About a year after Richard died, I was asked to attend a lunch for the Council on Foreign Relations. When I got the invite I thought, Of course I need to go. This is important; this is prestigious; this is what I should be doing as a widow of Richard Medley.

But I was miserable. For the first time I thought, This is not me anymore. This is not where I want to be. Dont get me wrong, it was a gorgeous event, but it just wasnt me anymore. So I left. I made the decision that in the future I would no longer do things that made me miserable.

It was right around this time, just as I was settling into my skin in a new way, that I was approached to be a castmate on The Real Housewives of New York City. What better thing to do with my realness than be on reality television?

It was strange that I became a Housewife right after I lost my husband. But in another way, it was perfect because it signaled independence at the exact moment I was stepping into my new resolve to live more selfishly. Being on The Housewives was the first time in my life that I did something that was just for me. I wasnt Dorinda Cinkala anymore, or Dorinda Lynch, or Dorinda Medley. I was just Dorinda.

At fifty-six, I finally feel I am living a life I have ownership over, a life that is the culmination of years of experiences, choices, and lessons, both good and bad. I understand myself in a much healthier and happier way. Ive set myself up financially, I take care of myself physically and spiritually, and Im surrounded by loving, smart, motivated, and kind people. Im happy to be my age. Sure, it might be nice to wear a midriff and do cartwheels, but Ive enjoyed the grace and the insight that have come with aging. I am my perfectly imperfect self. What all of this amounts to is a life filled with the capacity to explore, enjoy, entertain, and grow. I guess you could say Ive made it nice!

And now I want to tell you how you might do the same. Making it nice is not just about the outside stuff. Its about making it through. Its about getting knocked down and getting up again. Its about surviving.

Life is like hosting a dinner. It takes a lot of preparation. It doesnt just happen. This book will be like me inviting you over hours before the party starts to see all the work that goes into creating the final product. Im going to tell you how Ive become a woman whos learned to accept herself, flaws and all. And Im going to tell you the real story of how I got herethe good, the bad, and the ugly.

If youre struggling, my hope is that after reading this you might have some new ideas about how to take ownership of your life, express yourself as an individual, lean into your sense of independence and self-worth, and embrace your journey, even if it seems imperfect. Starting is the hardest part of any journey. So, on that note, lets get started!