Hugues De Montalembert - Invisible A Memoir

INVISIBLE

ALSO BY HUGUES DE MONTALEMBERT

ECLIPSE

INVISIBLE

A MEMOIR

HUGUES DE

MONTALEMBERT

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Copyright 2010 by Hugues de Montalembert

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First Atria Books hardcover edition January 2010

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Designed by Dana Sloan

Manufactured in the United States of America

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Montalembert, Hugues de.

Invisible : a memoir / Hugues de Montalembert.1st Atria Books hardcover ed. p. cm. 1. Montalembert, Hugues de. 2. Montalembert, Hugues deTravel. 3. Victims of crimesNew York (State)New YorkBiography. 4. BlindNew York (State)New YorkBiography. 5. BlindnessPsychological aspectsCase studies. 6. Life change eventsCase studies. 7. FrenchNew York (State) New YorkBiography. 8. New York (N.Y.)Biography. 9. PaintersFrance Biography. 10. Motion picture producers and directorsFranceBiography. I. Title.

HV6250.3.U53N484 2010

362.88092dc22

[B]

ISBN 978-1-4165-9366-9

ISBN 978-1-4391-0068-4 (ebook)

To Lin

INVISIBLE

YOU LIVE in a city like New York.

You read the papers.

You look at television.

But you never think it will happen to you.

It happened to me one evening.

Going back to my house near Washington Square I was attacked by, I suppose, people looking for money to buy drugs.

When they saw there was no money in the house, it became quite nasty.

It was no longer for money; it was for, I would say, fun.

There were two of them. A very big one and a smaller, less strong one.

I attacked the big one with a poker; there was a fireplace so I attacked him with a poker.

I could feel he was dangerous.He had a knife.

I didnt pay attention to the little one.

The little one had a weapon in his pocket.

Paint remover.

Its not an acid, its a base.

If you wash a base with water it doesnt go away.

It continues to dig.

While I was fighting with the big one, the little one threw that paint remover in my face.

I understood that something quite serious had happened.

I thought they would kill me so I started to scream. I was screaming so loudly that they got scared and they left.

I immediately went to the shower.

But I could see my sight going away, away, away.

I called a friend because I didnt know the telephone number of the police.

I said, Please ask the police to come, I have been attacked.

But I could hardly even see the numbers to dial.

It was already getting difficult.

The police came maybe thirty minutes later.

I was brought to the emergency room of the nearby hospital.

They tried to wash it out, but as it was a base there was nothing to be done.

I could see that I was losing more and more of my sight.

I asked the doctor: Tell me the truth, is it serious?

He said, Its very serious.

I understood that probably Id lost my sight.

THE MORNING came and already I knew that I was on the way to an irrevocable fate.

By the morning I was totally blind.

So it took me a night; it was very fast, very drastic.

And then you find yourself lying in a bed with that new situation at hand.

With that new person.

You are somebody who used to be totally free and could look and see.

I was a painter and I was making films.

My life was based on seeing.

IT WAS not total darkness, I could see a light.

Even if my eyelids were closed, I could still see through my eyelids.

I could see a golden light.

I was not in total darkness for another reason, which at first was incredibly disturbing.

My brain, wanting to see images but not receiving any perceptions through the eyes, would create very strong images on its own.

Vivid images.

It got to the point where I would be talking to you and suddenly I would see something like a vision, totally produced by the brain, absolutely real to me.

Very strong images, very disturbing.

For example, I would see the head of a man in marble. Just a head and two white globes, his eyes, globes in white marble. And suddenly I would see black lightning on them, as if those two white globes would crumble in cracks of black light.

I see the cracks of my own retina. My brain can see those cracks and creates an image with it.

OTHER TIMES I would see very strong, erotic images. Sometimes talking with somebody it was rather disturbing, because suddenly those very strong, erotic images would appear.

Very beautiful, but disturbing.

And I wondered: Why erotic?

I think when a human being is in touch with death and I have been in touch with death because I really thought I would be killed, and of course I spent three months lying in bed, which is not lifethe body has a very strong animal reaction. A very strong sexual drive, if the person doesnt fall into a nervous breakdown.

If he still or she still has appetite for life, sexual desire drives away the sense of danger and the fear of death.

Its not that you run after the nurses exactly, but you try to have an erotic communication with them. Not all the nurses, but if there is someone you connect with, yes, you will establish something or you will take advantage of that, and you may end up having a rather polygamous life. You become very sexually active just to fight death, if you have a strong instinct for life.

It is very strange because women are sensitive to it and they feel it.

I suppose you sense eroticism.

After that, of course you take confidence in life itself. You establish a new life and you dont need the erotic connection so much.

But that reaction, I would say, is perfectly normal. And I would wish it for anybody who experiences blindness or any other rupture, physical or moral, in his life, to go into that survival instinct. I am sure conventional morality, churches or whatever, will not advocate it, but I think its a good thing to do.

Looking back at those times of my life, I believe I have been saved, mentally saved from nervous breakdown and despair, by women.

Because they know how to handle life, they know how to give birth. After my blindness, I was in the situation of someone who had to give birth to himself.