God - The Way It Really Happened

Are you nervous? See, I dont get nervous, becauseyou know. Okay, Im nervous.

But in a good way.

Love you.

Here we go

-God

and The Lord spake to His disciples directly, asserting His divine will, for thou people shall relax, as the following is Holy satire

- Nueteronomy 3:69

TABLE OF CONTENTS

FOREWORD - In The Beginning

CHAPTER ONE - Creation Vs . Evolution

CHAPTER ONE AND ONE-HALF - The Entire History of Humankind

CHAPTER TWO- Stuff That Happened Before You Got Here

CHAPTER THREE - The Meaning of Life

CHAPTER FOUR - Heaven, Afterlife, Ghosts, and Scooby Doo

CHAPTER FIVE - The Devil and Hell

CHAPTER SIX - Prayer

CHAPTER SEVEN - Jesus H. Christ

CHAPTER EIGHT- Catholicism

CHAPTER NINE - Mormons

CHAPTER TEN - Scientology

CHAPTER ELEVEN - Howard Stern and Other Stuff I Like

CHAPTER TWELVE - Billy Zane and Other Stuff I Fricken Hate

CHAPTER FOURTEEN - Israel and the Jews

CHAPTER FIFTEEN - Islam

CHAPTER SIXTEEN - Chinese People

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - The Blacks

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - The Gays

CHAPTER NINETEEN - Fat People

CHAPTER TWENTY- Space

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - Abortion & Stem Cells

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO - Santa Claus, Global Warming, and Faeries

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE - Capital Punishment

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR - The Future & The New Rules

Appendix

IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning, there was no beginning. The meaning of life is the meaning of life. Evolution is obviously real. Praying is a waste of time. If your appendix was removed, you have no soul. So many questions; so much to explain. Its been a few years since Ive offered My voice for print, and Ive decided to trash the cryptic allegory and symbolic characters in favor of plain speak.

Now, I am not saying to throw out your Bibles, Torahs, Qurans, Satanic Bibles, or what have you. Theres some good shit in all of those. But whats missing is modern, straight talk in the tongues of today. That is why I have signed a lucrative 3-book deal with an outstanding publisher who will be donating a very very very small portion of the profits to starving children. Where does the rest go? Dont question The Lord, My child.

In the pages that follow, all of the big questions will be answered. All of the clouded history of your planet and species will be explained. And most excitingly, the entire future will be outlined. Yes, thats right, and dont skip to the end just to find out what happens next. For you and your family, its really not all that electrifying (unless you are Margaret Elle Chanworth in Marquette , Kansas , in which case: damnIm really sorry). But if you are interested in the big p icture 100, 1000, and 10,000 years down the road, read on and be enlightened. Prophecy is always the most funnest part of any of these divine works.

For those of you raising an eyebrow at most funnest , back the hell off. Just remember that spelling, syntax, and grammar are all from someones imagination. Writing in math is the only true, universal language, though it is harder for females to learn it.

I will do My best to conform to the rules of your language and to keep My editors from having to grapple with the inevitable conflict one finds oneself in when faced with a situation in which they must correct God, which should, in essence, be impossible (this is a run-on sentence just to screw with them) and may, therefore, cause them and everything around them to cease to exist.

Additionally, I will correct all of the misinterpretations that have plagued the various religions over the millennia and reveal a few hidden extras. I always wanted to produce a Directors Cut version of the various good books, scrolls, tablets and whatnot, with a few easter eggs thrown in for good measure. This is My opportunity to set the record straight for a couple years until everyone forgets and moves on to newer and more interesting things like the latest season of American Idol or CSI.

On a more serious note, everything in this book is the real deal. There are words, sentences, paragraphs, and everything else you would expect to find between a front and back cover. I, as your Lord, God, hallowed be My name, et cetera, am telling you that it is all absolutely the truest factually accurate realness. If there is a single thing in here that isn't true, may this book or digital reading device be struck by lightning right now. Do not question any of it. To do so will result in immediate death! Im not fucking around here, so dont test Me .

CHAPTER ONE - Creation Vs . Evolution

A lot of hullabaloo has flown around the religious world since Darwin and his contemporaries began stating the obvious. I recall hearing about his first paper, Stuff is Changing or whatever it was called, from some of the angels. They were mocking Mr. Darwin and laughing and, I admit, I found Myself snorting a bit as well. I mean, we thought humans had noticed stuff changing for several thousand years. Regardless, it was kind of mean and, though I felt like a bit of a hypocrite, I banis hed the offending angels to eternal hell.

So yeah, stuff has been getting more differenter and differenter since the beginning of time. Oops. I just made a mistake. The phrase beginning of time is the problem here. Its in such common use that I find Myself saying it quite frequently. And yet, those words come to the heart of this issue. You shouldnt ask is it evolution or is it creation because thats a retarded question, but instead ask was there a moment of creation?

Evolution is in the past, so to speak. Its so last week that Im not even going to bother re-explaining it to the stubborn, brainwashed idiots that deny it. Side-note: mad props go out to the clever S.O.B that came up with the stick-on-bumper fishy emblem with the feet coming out of it. Genius, My young creation. Oh, and I like the one with the flames on i t that says Satan inside, too.

Heres the problem folks : you are finite beings. You squirt out of mommy, grow up, lose your hair, your boobs or balls drop, and then you die. You see beginnings and ends of stuff all the time. Its screwed up your perspective. How can a finite being truly grasp the concept of infinite things? You cant. Well, some of you can, but those people are usually dorks and elitists who look down their noses at the rest of the inferior population. Im not going to mention any names, but one of their initials are Roger Jules Bennett from Hillsborough , Michigan .

There was no beginning to everything. Yeah, there was a beginning to your planet and your solar system and all those other weird, cloudy, spirally things out there in space, but even though the universe is hugenormous , theres something bigger than it called a multiverse that has a bunch of other universes in it, and then theres a b lammoverse that has a bunch of multiverses in it. It goes on and on like that forever. Havent you ever seen Men in Black?

Yes, there was a big bang kind of thing that happened for your universe. It was sort of an accident and zillions of sentient beings were instantly reduced to nothingness, but in the end there was a shiny new universe! Lets just call it a kick-off party for Schlermit . Oh yeah, you didnt know that was the name of your universe, did you? For those of us aware of the numerous universi out there, its silly to think of just one of them being called the universe, much like its dumb to call your sun the sun and moon the moon. Out here, they are Pookie and La Luna , respectively.