Toni Lodge - I Dont Need Therapy

Hi! Im Toni. I know I have one of those faces so you might be wondering where you know me from. You might also be wondering why someone asked me to write a book.

I have a podcast called Toni and Ryan, I make funny videos on Instagram and TikTok, Im a Sagittarius and my favourite food is sandwiches. Saying sandwiches is my favourite food is kind of a cop-out, because you can fill them with other favourite foods. Like, say you love mac and cheese or salad or lasagne? Pop it in a sandwich! I promise theres nothing great that cant be made better by putting it between bread.

I lie to myself constantly about a multitude of little things, like that pot needs to soak overnight or my friend will realise theyre doing this thing wrong, I dont need to confront them or I will make a healthy Snickers bar with those Medjool dates in the fridge this week! when the Medjool dates have been in the back of the fridge for three months. Which reminds me, I need to check the best-before date. Maybe Ill make that Snickers bar this weekend

I also lie to other people. Just about little things, like no, I dont mind when you make bitchy comments! or dinner out sounds great! Pop me down as a hard maybe when we all know Im gonna be knee-deep in salt and vinegar chips and Pepsi Max made in my SodaStream.

We all tell ourselves lies like that, but it wasnt until I sat down to write this book that I realised it wasnt just the little things I was lying to myself about, but the big stuff too. Things like, Im really happy for that friend when they excelled at something I wanted to excel at, or Im too fat to do that when whatever the thing was didnt have a weight limit, or I can get through this when I found out my mum had cancer.

Sometimes, it feels like life is full of only right and wrong, only black and whitebut this isnt that. This is the grey area. Of course, there are also parts of this book that are blue and green and sparkly, but I wanted to include the grey parts too. They are the bits of a story that dont make the cut when you retell it at a cocktail party or when you meet your partners parents for the first time.

I dont like confrontation, so this is my version of it: exposing myself to you in this book, in a way where you see those grey parts and how shit theyve been, but also how theyve made the colourful parts even shinier. In each chapter, Ill show you a different part of my life, and every part will bring a new lie. Youll read the big lies and the little lies, and well delve into the reasons the world is definitely against me. I will also dispense some unsolicited advice which I am authorised to share because I am writing a book and no one can stop me.

But hey, full disclosurethis isnt self-helpy, it doesnt end in some EUREKA! moment where I tell you how to have the perfect life or how to style a capsule wardrobe (what the fuck is that?) or whatever.

This is just meno punchline.

Without further adohere are the truths Ive learned about myself through the lies Ive told.

Love ya,

Toni

When I was a tiny girland by tiny I mean in age, not body shapeI remember telling my mum and anyone else I could get to listen to me that I would be famous. It didnt matter that I was just a chubby girl from Roleystone.

I have told so many people that Ive always thought Id be famous, and when they ask why, I simply say, I just knew it. Its the Lodge Magic.

Whats the Lodge Magic?! I hear you cry from across the bright blue yonder. Well, the Lodge Magic is something I made up.

I existed in this perfect, privileged life. I had two loving parents who loved the heck out of me and each other. I had three siblings, my brother, Jamie, my sister Libby and my sister Hayley. They are all way older than me (thirteen, eleven and ten years older, respectively), which I have always thought is so cool. They would always buy me the sickest birthday presents and take me to awesome places because they all worked and had their licences. It was kind of like having one set of older, more nurturing parents and one set of younger, cooler parents.

In 1998, when Mulan came out, I was five, and Jamie took me to see it at the Hoyts Cinema at Carousel in Cannington. I was so excited about it all week and carefully chose an outfit and how to wear my hair.

Knowing what I know about money now, I realise that Jamie probably wasnt earning that muchbut he never spared a dollar on me. He bought tickets, a massive box of popcorn, a large Coke for himself and a small lemonade for me. Being five years old, I wasnt allowed to drink Coca-Cola. My parents were pretty laid back, but I wasnt allowed Cokedid anyone else have that? It feels like such a weird line to draw, thinking about it now.

We wandered into the cinema to watch the previews, sitting right at the front, where the carpet was the least sticky and I could see the whole screenand you couldnt wipe the smile off my face. My cool older brother, who could drive and was RICH, was with me, at the cinema, seeing the movie of the year!

When youre an excited five-year-old, you cant pace yourself. Handfuls and handfuls of popcorn went into my body before the lights even turned off, and the buttery, salty goodness left me positively parched, so I sucked up all of my lemonade to wash it down. The movie started and I was loving it sick. I was continuing to mindlessly insert popcorn into the hole in my face, when I got one of the brown husky bits stuck in the back of my throat and started to choke. Naturally, I panicked. I reached for my lemonade, but it was empty. I was coughing so much that I didnt even hear how Ill Make a Man Out of You ends.

Jamie started rubbing my back and offered me a sip of his Coke. I responded in a whisper-yell, Im not allowed Coke! while still coughing and ruining the cinema experience for other patrons. Jamie insisted, so finally I caved and had some Coke, completely solving the problem and leaving us able to move on with the rest of our lives.

After the movie, we talked about how much wed loved it. When we got in the car, Jamie warned me I couldnt tell Mum that Id had Coke. I was rattled. I didnt lie to Mum! Mum was the perfect angel of my life. But I realised we had only been given one rule, and it had been broken, and what if she didnt let me go to the cinema again?!

I started to sweat. I remember Jamie saying, You actually dont have to say anything about itdont say, I didnt have Coke, you just dont have to mention it.

The closer we got to home, the more nervous I became. We walked into the house and Mum had the biggest smile on her face, excited to ask us how we enjoyed the movie.

She got halfway through saying, Hey Tone, how was the movie? before I exploded.

JAMIE GAVE ME COKE!

Mum looked quite shocked, actually. Jamie probably rolled his eyes and explained my near-death experience.

So, yes, I grew up with siblings who beat me up and bullied me in the loving way siblings do, like when Hayley tricked me into asking Mum for things that she would also benefit from, such as Caramello Koalas or a PlayStation 1. Or Libby conning me into opening the front gate for her and doing other stupid tasks by saying she would time me. But then they all got older and moved out, and I got to be an only child for a while. I honestly had the best of both worlds. Even though theyve always called me a brat for being spoiled, theyre just jealous that Im the favourite. (Cue texts from each sibling, arguing that theyre the favourite. I know theyre reading this because I forced them all to buy a copy.)