Eric Marcus - What If?. Answers to Questions About What it Means to Be Gay

At long last, a book for Rachel

W hat If? Answers to Questions About What It Means to Be Gay and Lesbian is an introductory book about gay people. Ive tried to do my best to answer a lot of the questions you might have, from How do you become gay? to Can gay people get married? Some of the questions are very obvious, some not so obvious, and you might even find a few that you think are stupid. But the way I see it, theres no such thing as a stupid question, except the one you dont ask.

Many of the questions youll find in this book are questions Ive been asked by friends, family, and colleagues. Other questions have been asked of me in my role as an author by people who have written to me after reading one of my books or visiting my website. And several of the questions youll find here have come in response to an e-mail request I sent asking people to contribute their questions.

An editor at a publishing company read a book that I wrote for adults called Is It a Choice? Answers to the Most Frequently Asked Questions About Gay & Lesbian People , and she thought it would be great if I could write a book specifically for young adults. And I was glad to do it, because when it comes to the subject of gay and lesbian people and gay issues, there are a lot of questions that never get asked and a lot of answers that never get offered.

I think wed all be a lot better off if everyone could ask whatever questions they had and could count on getting honest answers in return. I remember being in kindergarten and asking my teacher why a sixth grader was sent to our class to stand in the corner for an hour one morning. I thought it was a perfectly reasonable question. My teacher, whose name I cant recall (Im sure Im blocking it), told me to mind my own business. I think it was this embarrassing and hurtful experience that helped fuel my curiosity about life and set me on the path of asking questions for a living.

This book is for anyone who knows someone gay. That means its for everyone, because everyone knows someone who is gay: a sister or brother, parent, teacher, neighbor, classmate, or friend. Or maybe youre gay yourself or think you might be.

Of course a lot of people dont realize they know someone who is gay or lesbian because many gay people hide the fact that theyre gay. Why? Thats a good question, and its just one of the many that I answer in this book.

Often when I get e-mails from readers they want to know who I am. Im used to asking other people about their lives and keeping private about my own. But its only fair if youre reading my book for you to know who is offering the answers, especially because a lot of the answers reflect my personal opinions. (I dont speak for any organizations, political parties, companies, or religious groups. I speak for myself and no one else.)

I grew up with my brother and sister in a small neighborhood in Queens, which is a part of New York City. I went to public schools and then to Vassar College, where I majored in urban studies. I have a masters degree in journalism from Columbia University and a second masters degree from Columbias Graduate School of Architecture, Planning and Preservation.

I wrote my first book, a guide for male couples, when I was in my late twenties. And I can tell you that I was no expert on gay people at that time, but as I discovered when the book was first published, I had to have answers to the basic questions about gay issues that reporters asked me because in those days, people didnt know a lot about gay people (and the reporters were even more nervous asking the questions than I was answering them!).

So I became an expert through my work, but since Im also gay, Ive had a lot of incentive to learn about gay people and gay life so I could better understand myselfespecially since when I was growing up there was very little information available that could help a gay young person understand himself and the kind of life he or she could expect to lead.

Since 1988 Ive written several books about gay men and women and gay relationships. I also coauthored a couple of autobiographies of gay athletes, including Greg Louganis, an Olympic diving champion. I wrote an award-winning oral history of the gay civil rights movement called Making Gay History . And Ive also written a book about suicide called Why Suicide? Questions & Answers About Suicide, Suicide Prevention, and Coping with the Suicide of Someone You Know . I was inspired to write the book by my own dads suicide. For more information about Why Suicide? , please visit: www.whysuicide.com . (You can learn more about all of my books on my main website, www.ericmarcus.com .)

My partner and I met in December 1993 and we had a commitment ceremony in June 1996. (A commitment ceremony is like a wedding, but we didnt use a rabbi or priest and we didnt get a marriage license because gay people couldnt get married anywhere in the United States in those days.) We had more than two hundred guests, and everyone in our families attended. We dont have children, but we have nieces and nephews were close to and weve got great friends.

I had the help of a lot of people in writing this book, from both experts and regular people.

In this book youll find stories about people from all over the country, mostly young people, both gay and straight. And there are comments from a few adults, mostly parents.

When it comes to the people I identify by name, all the adults who asked that I use their names are identified by their full names. For all the young people who spoke with me, Ive used only first names and Ive changed all of these names, as well as some identifying characteristics. Most of the young people I talked to wanted me to use their real first names or their full names, but I prefer that they remain anonymous. Its difficult to know what will happen once your name is in print, and given the still controversial nature of this subject, I think its safer for the young people I write about to stay out of the public eye.

Since this is only an introductory book to gay and lesbian issues and people, you may not find the answers to all of your questions. So in the last chapter youll find lots of resources, including books, organizations, and websites. If after checking out these resources you still cant get the information you need or theres a question that still needs answering, write to me and Ill do my best to help you.

You can write to me through .

I like to think that the best place to start when youre new to any subject (and even if youre not entirely new) is at the beginning. Homosexuality is a complicated and all too often controversial subject thats difficult to discuss if you dont understand the basic concepts and issues. So Ive devoted this first chapter, which is the longest in the book, to all the essential questions (and answers) you need to know before reading the chapters that follow. You may be tempted to skip right to the chapter about sex, but I urge you to start here.

Before you get to the first question, I have a quick warning about the Internet that youve no doubt heard before from your parents, but bears repeating because throughout this chapter and the ones that follow, I recommend various websites. So heres the warning: It is extremely important to be cautious when you use the Internet, especially if you decide to join a discussion group or use the Internet to meet other young people. Because its so easy to create a false online profile, it can be hard to tell who is being truthful and who is not. So theres the possibility that someone may try to take advantage of you, may make you uncomfortable online, or might try to arrange to meet you when they should not.