Butcher - 101 of the Most Deadly Procrastination Techniques - How to Procrastinate ... Like a Pro!

HOW TO PROCRASTINATE

LIKE A PRO!

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101 of the Most Deadly Procrastination Techniques

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COPYRIGHT

How to Procrastinate Like a Pro! 101 of the Most Deadly Procrastination Techniques, First Edition 2014

Copyright by Andrew Butcher 2014

http://www.andrew-butcher.com

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

TEA-WEE HERMAN!

Leave your work every ten minutes to go urinate because you drank so much bloomin tea or coffee or whatever your drink-drug is.

WAIT FOR CONFIRMATION!

You know when you register to a new website and after youve signed up they send you a confirmation email that has a link in it you have to click on to be allowed access? Well, every now and then you sign up to a site that takes FOREVER to send you their confirmation email. I mean, FOREVER!

Go out of your way to find one of these websites, and then dont allow yourself to start your work until after youve received that goddamn email! Jeeesus, those slow emails annoy meGARGHH!

LOOK AWAY!

Simply look away from your work. Like, look out the window or something, at that gorgeous view. (I know youre daydreaming, by the way; I know you live in a manky shit-tip with a view of a building site outside your grimy window. But still look away from your work, anyway.)

HALLOWEEN QUEEN!

Doesnt matter when Halloween is. Start thinking about your costume right now. Make sure you come up with something ridiculously intricate and basically impossible to make, but spend your time fussing over it anyway.

And oh, while youre at it, have you done all your gift shopping for Christmas and birthdays and so on? You can never be too prepared. And believe me, gift shopping is a fabulous way to avoid your work.

CALENDER!

Have you filled in your calendar? How about next years? DO THEM NOW!

SELF-HELP!

Come on, we all know self-help books were created by non-procrastinators to line their own pockets and to keep procrastinators procrastinating. So, get to reading these books alreadystart lining those pockets! There are tons of self-help books out there. And there are also CDs, DVDs, apps, workshopsoh, baby, youre in Procrastinator Heaven!

TOO-TOO!

Put on a too-too! Not a tutu. Tell yourself youre too old, too fat, too stupid, too intelligent, too ugly, too good-looking, too-too-too! The list goes on and on. And you? You definitely have too many toos to get your work done. (By the way, I like your tutu; it really suits you, especially with your top hat, your moustache, and your monocle. You sexy thing, you.)

THATS SICK, MATE!

Some people believe that all illness is psychosomatic, self-created by your negative thoughts and shit. (Not literally your shit, but like your mind-shit.) Anyway, be such a negative poop that you make yourself sick and ye canny do yer work no more, laddie! Dont ask me why the Scottish accent; I really dont know.

UNWORTHY!

Decide youre unworthy of whatever gains completing your work would bring you. Have a little cry-cry.

THE END

Youre dead. Your time is up. You have procrastinated your whole life away. Your work will never be completed. Your art will never benefit the world. But, hey maybe Im wrong .. maybe youll get it done in your next life? As for this life, you did nothing. You achieved nothing!

Well, no, thats a lie, actually. You achieved this:

You are a Professional Procrastinator. Well done, and welcome to the ranks! May you pass away unhappy and unfulfilled.

So long, farewell, peace out, and be sure to keep procrastinating in the afterlife, my fellow failure!

YOU WANT MORE?!

If you enjoyed this little book, then please consider leaving a rating and review (5 stars, really?! Oh, you are so kind!) and buying ten million copies for your friends and family. Fanks. Also, take a look at my other work below and consider joining my mailing list. Fanks again.

FICTION:

LANSIN ISLAND SERIES

A Death Displaced

A Body Displaced

A Spirit Displaced (TBR)

LANSIN ISLAND SHORT STORIES

A Note Below

NONFICTION:

How to Procrastinate Like a Pro! 101 of the Most Deadly Procrastination Techniques

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A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL!

Make a deal. If you let yourself do something fun now, you will absolutely do the work later! (Then, when you dont do the work, feel so worthless for letting yourself down that you cant possibly get the work done until youve overcome your emotional turmoil!)

OH-SO GREEN!

Spend all day looking at your competitors already completed work and envying their sales figures grrhhh !

PROCRASTURBATE!

If you cant figure out what procrasturbate means, you need to spend more time on Urban Dictionary . Anyway, this is a great one for procrastinating like a pro. Who needs to work hard when your answer to instant gratification is in the palm of your hand? (Or at your fingertips. You get the picture.) If youre a man, you could attempt to literally work hard but youll probably end up procrasturbating anyway.

And if you still havent figured out what procrasturbate means, then SERIOUSLY?