Valente Hawkes - 31 Days to Lovely: A Journey of Forgiveness

31 Days to Lovely :

A Journey of Forgiveness

Sarah Hawkes Valente

Unless otherwise noted, Scriptures quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, King James Version, public domain.

Scripture quotations marked (ASV) are taken from the American Standard Version of 1901 (public domain).

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Cover art: Lovely by Cammie Jarvis

Cover Design by Danielle Designs: www.danielle-designs.com

Photos by Sarah Hawkes Valente

31 Days to Lovely: A Journey of Forgiveness

Copyright 2012 by Sarah Hawkes Valente

Foreword by Ellyn McCall

Edited by Beth Hawkes Fuellbier

KINGDOM TWINDOM PUBLICATIONS

A division of WHATEVER IS LOVELY PUBLICATIONS

P.O. Box 34

Eagle Nest, NM

87718

All rights reserved.

Visit our website at www.kingdomtwindom.net

For Kevin

In loving memory

For Brian

because God brings forth beauty from ashes

For Ashley, Danielle, Ellyn, Cammie, Renee, Tiffani and Emily without whom this book would be a draft in a drawer

For Beth, my loving cousin and merciless editor

For Deanna and Mom, who watched my kids so that I could drink coffee and write

For Dad, who has always wanted me to write a book

Table of Contents

Foreword

Sarah Valente is one of my closest friends. Our friendship has been built over email and phone lines, through hours of shared laughter and tears, and because we have entirely too much in common. The advent of the Internet age has brought with it many things both positive and negative, but one of the best, to me, is the capacity to feel less alone. The Internet opens up our society so that we are never the only one going through any given situation. There is someone else out there who has been there, right there, wherever it is that we are.

In the first email Sarah ever sent me, she wrote three sentences that would stick with me through a lot of trials. I have been there. You can survive this. I have hope for you. She was someone safe, who understood, who I could go to when it felt like no one else could see where I was coming from, who I could trust to be both empathetic and call me out when I needed it. By the time we spoke on the phone for the first time, it was like talking to an old friend. And now, three years later, we have a friendship that I believe will last the rest of our lives. On Day Six, when Sarah talks about Friendships That Heal, I have no doubt shes talking about us!

When Sarah and I met, it was the direct result of a difficult time in my life. One shed been through before. There were times I sincerely wondered how I would put the pieces back together, and I was angry that I had to do it atall. I had been wronged, and it wasnt my fault. I was raw and alone, and it was the perfect recipe for a lot of the self-righteous anger that Sarah discusses on Day Fourteen. It is so easy to lose control of the righteous anger we feel about the wrongs we experienceto go from feeling a quiet conviction that Gods will has been violated to suddenly experiencing seething rage because our will has been violated. But regardless of the exact situation, people are wronged every day. No one should be treated disrespectfully; and in a perfect world, no one would be.

The problem is: we dont live in a perfect world. We live in a fallen one. God has given us the gift of free will, and that means we can make choices for ourselves, good and bad alike. There are always extenuating circumstances, and every person who wrongs anotherfeels that they have some reason or excuse to do so at the time. Father, forgive us, we dont know what were doing!

There were many times that I thought by holding on to a record of transgressions against me, by keeping score - if you will - I was somehow holding other people accountable. Instead, by holding those grudges so tightly, I was keeping myself from moving past the anger and bitterness I was feeling. And despite my best effort, being angry wasnt hurting the person who had wronged me! Instead, it was hurting me. Feeling so angry all the time made it hard for me to feel happy, to be engaged and loving to my children, and to even begin to move past everything that had happened.

There is more than one school of thought when it comes to forgiveness, although this book attempts to prove one of them wrong. Some people believe that forgiveness is a gift given to the transgressorthat when someone shows remorse or has somehow made up for their mistake, that they can then be forgiven as a reward. There are certain conditions to be met before someone deserves forgiveness. If we believe that, then it follows that some people do not deserve forgiveness. When talking with people who believe this, I often hear some variation of Why would you forgive that person? They dont deserve it, after what they did!

There is another school of thought, however; that the act of forgiveness isnt really about the transgressor, but about the person who was wronged. Making the choice to forgive even when there is no remorse or even acknowledgement of wrongdoing tends to be more challenging and harder to understand. Forgiving unconditionally can be tough to swallow; especially when pride rears its ugly head.

I, like Sarah, had a good reason to remain angry. So do most people, at some point in time. But one day, I woke up and I realized that my anger was affecting me more than the person I was holding a grudge against! So I made the choice to forgive, regardless of whether or not it was deserved. Of course, I would have to make that same choice to forgive many more times before all was said and done. Its a commitment to a process, to a journey, instead of a one-time decision, to give up our perceived control of punishing that other person and leave them to God alone. But every time I made the choice to forgive, it got easier.

It wasnt until I chose to forgive unconditionally that I realized how much better I felt and what a weight had been lifted off my shoulders! Choosing forgiveness has changed and enriched my life in ways that I never would have imagined. It wasnt about getting the outcome I wanted; instead it was a heart change that helped me in every area of my life. I hope that this devotional will help you along the way to your own heart change.

Sarah and I have many things in common. Our love of the Lord, of our husbands, and of our children are the things that formed our initial bond. But beyond that, both Sarah and I have a strong commitment to coming alongside women who are struggling and who may be feeling alone. We know the bitterness, anger, and feelings of isolation that so often accompany lifes trials. We are standing, still, to say this to anyone who needs to hear it:

I have been there. You can survive this. I have hope for you.

-Ellyn McCall

Parenting and Family Life Blogger at

ProfoundlySeth.com

Introduction

We are not the bitter ones; we are not the world-worn gossips. We know who we are, and we know that no weapon formed against us will prosper unless we let it. We are daughters of the King of Kings. We are loving, we are loved, we are lovely.

When I began blogging my story, about four years ago, I knew that forgiveness was at the root of everything I was writing. I didnt know how little I understood about the process or how much my willingness to forgive would be tested over the next several years. Nor, did I fully appreciate the gravity of the biblical commands to forgive. I simply knew that forgiveness trumped bitterness and brought about a peace that I desperately needed. And I knew that God was allowing me to walk out an eternally significant path. As I sit here now, a single mother for the third time, I feel I have walked the journey of a lifetime in a fast-forwarded amount of time. It is an honor to share that journey (or the portion I have walked so far) with you, now.