Porter - Breaking Out of the Man Box: The Next Generation of Manhood

Copyright 2015 by Anthony Porter

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Brian Peterson

Cover photo credit: Leroy Harden

ISBN: 978-1-63450-646-5

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-0149-6

Printed in United States of America

In loving memory of

my mother, Marie Nelson Porter,

who lived her life with the trauma of sexual violence.

She hid the injuries from her children

in hope that our pain would be lessened.

Contents

Women Are of Less Value

The Collective Socialization of Manhood

Conversations with Everyday Men

A Selection of My Favorite Man Box Stories

Tackling Sports Culture and Manhood

Its Time to Get Outraged

Introduction

P eople are taken aback by the idea of men standing up and speaking out to end violence against women and girls. Within the socialization of manhood, tradition teaches men to have a lack of interest in women outside of those they love and care for. So for men to speak out publicly on behalf of women and girls is outside of the norms that define manhood. I have thought about this question a lot: How did I come to do this kind of work? While I would like to say that I simply woke up one morning and decided to do the right thing, thats not the case at all. The truth of the matter is that women have inspired me at different points in my life and continue to inspire me about my role and responsibility as a man.

People often ask me: Why do you work with men to end violence against women and girls? Did something happen to you as a child? Was your father abusive? Were you abusive? Were you molested as a child? The answer to all of these questions is no. It is important for me to mention that my mother was sexually abused by my grandfather throughout her adolescent years, though she did not share this with me until I was already doing this work.

While I spent many years challenging our social constructs as they relate to racism and other forms of group oppression, I had given little attention to sexism. I worked in a small community in New York, just north of the Bronx. Women in that community were paying close attention, dedicating their lives to addressing male domination and its role in domestic violence and sexual assault. Women in that community and others I knew in and around New York State took an interest in my development. I must admit I was a difficult subject matter at times. It took many women in and around my life over a period of years, challenging my thoughts on manhood, to wake me up. We shared many years of thought-provoking, meaningful conversations and subsequent self-reflection. These and countless other women invested time, energy, and wisdom, eventually influencing my thinking about the collective socialization of manhood. In this process as a man I felt like a student, and I guess, there was so much to learn. It was difficult at times to understand and accept the role I played in marginalizing and dominating women. As good menbecause we dont physically abuse women or intentionally do anything to harm themit can be difficult to understand the role we play in supporting a culture of male violence toward them. At times I was resistant to the teachings; this is common behavior with members of any dominating groupwhether it be race, class, or others. But I continued to engage in these conversations and women remained patient with me, and eventually I understood why it was important for men to take a standto end violence against women and girls, and to promote healthy and respectful manhood.

This book is a call for men to hold on to the wonderful things about being a man, like the pride we take in working hard, being providers, and loving husbands, partners, and fathers, while examining some aspects of manhood that are tripping us up. We need to reexamine the aspects of manhood that are not benefiting our well-being and that support a culture of violence against women and girls.

The motivation to write this book, along with reasons of equity and humanity, includes my need to celebrate the life of my mother, Marie Nelson-Porter. Because of her, and the wonderful relationship she had with my sisters, I was privileged from an early age to see that women are incredibly courageous and special. I cannot explain it all but I do know that the best of me comes from my mother and her influence. My mother passed away on the evening of March 15, 2000. On that day, I made the decision that I would spend the rest of my life celebrating her life. I dedicate this book to her memory.

Steeped in the socialization of manhood is the need to be in control.

Good Men, Its Time to Be Part of the Solution!

A t this point, you may be questioning why you picked up this book in the first place. You are a good guy, not one of those men who would ever put his hands on a woman. You would never commit rape or hit your wife or girlfriend in a fit of anger or rage. In fact, you would threaten physical harm to any man who abused a female loved one of yours. In your opinion, you are not the problem, so how does this book have anything to do with you?

Well, this book has everything to do with you.

You are a well-meaning man who can help to end violence against women and girls by being a part of the solution. A well-meaning man is one who believes that women should be respectedespecially his wife or girlfriend, mother and daughters. Often referred to as a good guy, a well-meaning man wants women to be treated fairly and thinks that abusing a woman in any way is unacceptable.

Well, its time for those of us who are good men to acknowledge the role male privilege and socialization play in domestic violence, teen dating violence, sexual assault, sex trafficking, as well as in aggression against women in general. Its time for us to claim collective responsibility. Its time for us to become part of the solution.

My intention in this book is not to bash any good man. I know that an assault on men is not going to end the assault on women. Instead, through a process of reeducation, I seek to help us understand how we play a part in this problem. Unfortunately, despite all the goodness of the well-meaning men, we have been socialized to operate in a system where our role includes domination, dehumanization, and oppression over women. This can happen in such small and insidious ways that were unaware of it. And its sometimes so easy and accepted to behave this way that we dont question ourselves about it.

Now please do not think I am claiming to be perfect or have it all together. I am still a work in progress as a well-meaning man. Before engaging in the work of ending violence against women and girls, I never considered myself to be sexist at all. When I found myself in situations where women were challenging me on what they defined to be my sexism, I was extremely insulted. I would often think and sometimes say to myself, They dont know me. They dont know what theyre talking about. I am not sexist. But, these women would not let me off the hook that easily.