David M. Buss - The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As Love and Sex

The
Dangerous
Passion

Why Jealousy Is as Necessary
as Love and Sex

DAVID M. BUSS, Ph.D.

T H E F R EE P R E S S

New YorkLondon Sydney Singapore

O THER B OOKS BY D AVID M.B USS

The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating

Sex, Power, Conflict: Evolutionary and FeministPerspectives(ed., with Neil Malamuth)

Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind

THE FREE PRESS

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Copyright 2000 by David M. Buss

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ISBN 0-684-86786-9

For Cindy

T HOSE WHO DEVOTE THEIR LIVES topenetrating the mysteries of human nature face an unusual circumstance, one inwhich the targets of study happen to include their own minds. Sometimes its apersonal insight that leads to a scientific discovery, but in my case, it was ascientific finding that led to a personal revelation. In one of my first formalstudies of jealousy, we asked women and men to imagine their partner having sexwith someone else. Some people displayed intense sexual jealousy, shaking withrage when these disturbing images filled their heads. Others seemed less upset,at least on the surface. I wanted to find out why. One critical factor turnedout to be whether or not a person had already experienced a committed sexualrelationship. Those who were either in love or who had loved and lost,displayed far more florid sexual jealousy than those who merely longed for lovebut had never experienced it.

As these results rolled off the computer printer, memoriesflooded my head of previously buried events of my past. As a youth of 17,influenced no doubt by the prevailing cultural ideologies of the time, Ipublicly proclaimed that my girlfriends body was her own, that she could havesex with anyone she wanted, and that jealousy was an immature emotion ofup-tight, hung-up, unliberated individuals. I, of course, was above all that.There was only one problemI didnt have a girlfriend! A year later, when Ibecame involved for the first time, my feelings about the matter suddenlyreversed. It was as though a jealousy switch in my brain, previously on theoff setting, suddenly got flipped to on. I found myself glaring at othermen who seemed a bit too friendly to my partner at parties, calling her upunexpectedly just to see whether she was where she said she would be, andthinking that every man harbored secret desires for her. I became aware of adeep dimension of my own psychology that had previously lain dormant.

Over the past decade, together with many talented colleagues, myscientific research has focused on the dangerous passion of jealousy and itstethered soul mate, the specter of infidelity. In the course of this work Idiscovered that some private demons are surprisingly widespread afflictions.This book represents a synthesis of that work, as well as of studies conductedby hundreds of scientists from around the world. I owe a deep debt to many whocontributed directly or indirectly to its content and form. The first thanksgoes to Don Symons, who helped me through friendship, published writings,dozens of discussions, and generous feedback on my work. Next, I owe specialgratitude to Leda Cosmides and John Tooby, whose seminal writings and hours oflively discussion now spanning nearly two decades have greatly influenced mythinking. Martin Daly and Margo Wilson pioneered the exploration of theperilous passion, illuminated its special danger to women, and have generouslyhelped to clarify my thinking over the years.

My direct-research collaborators deserve special thanks. Ivehad the good fortune to work with Alois Angleitner, Armen Asherian, MikeBarnes, Kevin Bennett, April Bleske, Mike Botwin, Bram Buunk, Jae Choe, KenCraik, Lisa Dedden, Todd DeKay, Josh Duntley, Bruce Ellis, Barry Friedman,Steve Gangestad, Arlette Greer, Heidi Greiling, Mariko Hasegawa, ToshikazuHasegawa, Martie Haselton, Doug Kenrick, Lee Kirkpatrick, Randy Larsen, NeilMalamuth, Victor Oubaid, David Schmitt, Jennifer Semmelroth, Todd Shackelford,and Drew Westen.

The incomparable Todd Shackelford must be singled out, since onecould not ask for a more superlative collaborator. He has been co-author withme on more than a dozen publications on topics ranging from signals ofinfidelity to tactics men and women use to keep mates. Heidi Greiling helped toget me out of my male mind enough to collaborate on a raft of studies on thehidden dimensions of womens sexual psychology. Martie Haselton, primary authorofError Management Theory, brought insight to the signal detectionproblem and the importance of womens ovulation cycles. Josh Duntleycontributed to understanding the extreme violence that jealous men sometimedirect against women. April Bleske helped me to understand why friends aresometimes rivals and why men and women have so much difficulty being just friends.Barry Friedman helped to explore how men and women test mating bonds.

Discussions with many other colleagues also influenced the ideasexpressed in this book: Dick Alexander, Rosalind Arden, Robin Baker, JerryBarkow, Laura Betzig, Nap Chagnon, Helena Cronin, Richard Dawkins, Irv DeVore,Randy Diehl, Paul Ekman, Steve Gangestad, Bill Hamilton, Kim Hill, Sarah Hrdy,Bill Jankowiak, Doug Jones, Doug Kenrick, Lee Kirkpatrick, Kevin MacDonald,Neil Malamuth, Geoffrey Miller, Randy Nesse, Dick Nisbett, Laura Nitzberg,Steve Pinker, David Rowe, Jeff Simpson, Dev Singh, Barb Smuts, Frank Sulloway,Del Thiessen, Nancy Thornhill, Randy Thornhill, Bill Tooke, John Townsend,Robert Trivers, Jerry Wakefield, Lee Willerman, George Williams, D.S. Wilson,E.O. Wilson, and Richard Wrangham.

My agents, Katinka Matson and John Brockman, were instrumentalin helping me to shape the vision for this book. Philip Rappaport, of The FreePress, trained his fine editorial eye on an early draft of this book andbrought a unique sensibility to its final tone. Rosemary Davidson, ofBloomsbury Publishers, April Bleske, Joshua Duntley, Barry Friedman, MartieHaselton, and Todd Shackelford all offered insightful comments on the entirebook.

Finally, I owe special thanks to the thousands of women and menwho generously opened their lives to reveal some of the darker secrets of thedangerous passion.

Contents

CHAPTER 1

The Dangerous Passion

CHAPTER 2

The Jealousy Paradox

CHAPTER 3

Jealousy on Mars and Venus

CHAPTER 4

The Othello Syndrome

CHAPTER 5

If I Cant Have Her, Nobody Can

CHAPTER 6

Secrets and Lies

CHAPTER 7

Why Women Have Affairs

CHAPTER 8

Coping Strategies

CHAPTER 9

Emotional Wisdom

Notes

References

Index

THE DANGEROUSPASSION

The Dangerous Passion

Jealousy is not only inbred in human nature, but it is the mostbasic, all-pervasive emotion which touches man in all aspects of every humanrelationship.

Boris Sokoloff, 1947,Jealousy: A Psychological Study

E VERY HUMAN ALIVE IS AN evolutionary success story. If any of ourancestors had failed to survive an ice age, a drought, a predator, or a plague,they would not be our ancestors. If any had failed to cooperate with at leastsome others in the group or dropped below a minimal position in the socialhierarchy, they would have met certain death by being cast out from the group.If even one had failed to succeed in choosing, courting, and keeping a mate,the previously inviolate chain of descent would have irreparably broken, and wewould not be alive to tell the tale. Each of us owes our existence to thousandsof generations of successful ancestors. As their descendants, we have inheritedthe passions that led to their successpassions that drive us, often blindly,through a lifelong journey in the struggle for survival, the pursuit ofposition, and the search for relationships.