Goldstein Andrew - Reclaiming desire : 4 keys to finding your lost libido

W riting this book has been a mission for us and the fulfillment of a promise to our clientsmany of whom are among the estimated 40 million American women who struggle with diminished sex drives. Even before we decided to go into practice together, we recognized low libido as a widespread, though often unspoken, problem among women (as well as men). Regardless of why these women came to us in the first place, a lack of sexual desire often surfaced as an ancillary issue.

Between the two of us, we have treated and counseled hundreds of women with one unifying complaint: They have lost their libidos. Weve learned that were much more successful in helping these women when we combine our expertise in medicine and psychology. Weve come to understand that a number of factors influence a womans sex drivenot just her physical or emotional state, as the conventional wisdom would suggest. By the same token, a decline in sex drive seldom results from one single cause. Any treatment that targets just one aspect of low libidoa pill or a cream, for examplelikely will fail.

This isnt to suggest that medications arent useful. They are. But in our experience, theyre even more effective when theyre combined with self-exploration, stress reduction, and couples therapy.

Our clients have helped to change our perspective on libido. We now understand it as a product of a womans physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual health. All four of these components are necessary for a robust sex drive and a satisfying sex life. As long as they remain in balance, a woman will feel sexually vital and alive.

Fundamentally, then, reclaiming desire is about maintaining balance among the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of your being. Just what is balance? Its allowing yourself to be all that you are meant to be. Its understanding and accepting who you really are.

Those of us raised in Western cultures seem best able to grasp the concept of balance when we think in terms of physiology. We dont question the necessity of certain hormones, like testosterone and dopamine, being present in just the right proportions in order to experience desire. The same rule applies to our emotions, our thoughts, and our spiritual beliefs. The fact that we cant measure them with a blood test makes them no less important.

This book is the first to address low libido in a holistic manner. In our experience, women inherently know that they cant have strong sex drives and fulfilling sex lives unless they are physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually well. Our goal is to help women with libido trouble identify which of these four components may be lacking. Weve even developed an exclusive self-test especially for this purpose (see page 24). Once we pinpoint where the problem lies, we draw on a variety of disciplinesincluding conventional medicine, hormone replacement, naturopathy, bodywork, and individual and couples therapyto facilitate a return to balance and a healthy sex drive.

What causes imbalance in the first place? As well explain in the following pages, the hectic, high-stress lifestyle that has become the norm in our society certainly is a factor. Simply put, most women feel that they dont have the time or the energy to attend to their own needs. In the grand scheme of their lives, sex becomes a low priority. Major transitionsmarriage, childbirth, menopause, divorcecomplicate the picture even more. (We explore the sexual implications of these life-changing events in part VI.) Yet even in the absence of significant upheaval, a womans body and psyche can accumulate wounds that manifest as low libido over time.

In writing this book, we made certain editorial decisions that we feel deserve acknowledgment and explanation. For example, as youll see, we consistently use masculine pronouns (he, him, his) when referring to a womans partner. This is not meant to imply that the information and advice applies only to heterosexual couples. On the contrary, the same issues can arise in same-sex relationships. Unfortunately, accommodating this in the text made for a very confusing read. So we chose to conform to conventional writing style.

Furthermore, though the personal stories throughout the book tend to involve women with partners, our message is equally applicable to women not currently in established long-term relationships. Contrary to popular perception, low libido is just as common among those who are unattached. In fact, many of our clients come to us for help in rekindling their sexual desire before pursuing an intimate connection with someone.

Incidentally, the personal stories are composites; they do not reflect the life or experience of any one person. We have the utmost respect for our clients and their struggles. We honor their privacy by handling their cases with absolute confidentiality. Were deeply grateful to them for opening up to us and for providing the insights that have shaped our understanding of low libido. They have enriched our lives by including us in their personal journeys to explore and embrace their sexuality.