Dr. Bella Ellwood-Clayton - Sex Drive: In Pursuit of Female Desire

Bella Ellwood-Clayton studied in Montreal, Canada, and completed a PhD on womens sexuality at the University of Melbourne, Australia. Her doctoral thesis was on the sex lives of women in the Philippines. In 2001 she filmed a documentary with National Geographic in the jungles of Sumatra, Indonesia. She writes columns on sex and relationships for several Australian newspapers and appears regularly on television and radio.

Some of the material in this book has been published previously: parts of Chapter 4 first appeared as an article in the journal Philipinas as Constructions of seduction: premarital sex in the Catholic Philippines (2007) and as a feature article in Cosmopolitans pregnancy supplement as A Sensual Pregnancy (Winter, 2009). Part of Chapter 6 first appeared in The Canberra Times as Love drugs are no cure for relationship problems (28 June 2010). And parts of Chapters 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 10 first appeared as columns in Sunday Life magazine between 2009 and 2011.

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank the women who told me their stories. I am grateful for the research assistance of Javiera Dastres and the support of Melbourne Universitys Writing Centre for Scholars and Researchers. Most of all, I would like to thank my husband, Stephen Turner: Love is the best kind of therapy.

Sex Drive

In pursuit of female desire

Dr Bella Ellwood-Clayton,
sexual anthropologist

The information in this book is intended as a guide only, and should not substitute medical care and advice. Always consult your doctor about medical advice in the first instance.

The photograph on used by permission of the artist Jamie McCartney. One of ten panels of The Great Wall of Vagina, 2011.

The poem on .

First published in 2012

Copyright Bella Ellwood-Clayton 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

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Contents

Introduction

Its the end of another long day and youve barely survived it. You stand at the mirror and brush your teeth, scrutinising the lines on your face. You wonder, as you open the little bottle, when you started using cream specifically for the under-eye region. Was that the point when you started ageing?

You crawl into bed and rest your body against your partners solid form. Although he is also tired, his mouth finds your neck and his hands bring you closer. But you dont want the intimacy, the physical connection. Youd like to sleep, read your novel, or analyse why your co-worker is so mercurial. Besides, you dont feel the least bit sexy, and everybody knows thats the key to everything.

When it comes to womens priorities, is sex on top? A study discussed later in the book estimated that 43 per cent of American women are dissatisfied with sex.1 A Canadian journal reported that 3035 per cent of women experienced a lack of sexual desire.2 Research in Germany found that once a woman is in a secure relationship her sex drive begins to plummet.3

Women are collectively not in the mood because inside our cerebral cortex, where arousal originates, there is a to-do list that is never-ending. And just when it looks like youve nailed all the tasks, another lot file in, obliterating any thought of sex.

Yet I find the shift in our priorities perplexing. Too busy for sex... but how is it that we still have enough time to soak our whites, get our shoes re-heeled and make pasta sauce?

In the beginning, it wasnt like this. In fact, there was nothing more important than our lover. In the beginning we yearned for him. We chose lovely outfits solely for him to unzip. We gave him back rubs, for goodness sake.

But after moving in together or having babies, is it a fait accompli? Do we now rest on our romantic laurels?

I sometimes wonder what our partners would think of us if they were first meeting us now. The man youre with probably wouldnt decide to spend his life with a woman who didnt really feel like kissing him, considered sex a nuisance, andas one study has shown, would rather he Hoover than hold her.4 There are also costs arising from our sexual indifference, if infidelity and divorce rates are considered. But even worse is the loss of our own spirit and vitality.

We tell ourselves we are too tired, and perhaps we are. We are goddesses of multi-tasking. But what are we really trying to accomplish? A relationship that stays dynamic is like a well-tended plantconsistently nurtured and watered. It may be time to redirect some of the creative, dedicated energy we give our children, our dinner tables and our workplaces to the sensuality of our marriages and partnerships. When did sensuality slip off the list?

Sex is not simply two bodies coming together. Sexthe way we think about it, whether we desire it, how we go about getting it, and how we have itis shaped by the culture we live in, by the time period we share, and by whether we inhabit a male or female body.

This book explores the female libido: what it is, how it works, why it becomes depleted, and ways we can increase it, if we wish.

Libidomost often defined as the drive associated with sexual energyrepresents our desire for or interest in sexual union and pleasure. Our sex drive may involve fantasies, attraction to others, the seeking out of sexual activity, and increased genital sensitivity. Womens libidos are something of a mystery, because throughout history, female sexuality has been considered sinful. Our culture has never encouraged us to extend our sensuous arms to see what we can find, to see what we can taste. For many years, and still in many countries, our libido has been suppressed by religion. And most gods, it seems, cast a disapproving eye on sensual womenthose who enjoy their desire, those who value pleasure.

The work of feminists in the 1960s has given women more choice. More money in their bank accounts, better contraception, higher education, and a wider dating pool. From all walks of life, in all continents, women young and old are doing things differently from their mothers and their grandmothers. Including sex. They are finding sex online, with strangers, in second marriages... finding it for its own sake. But just as our shackles have loosened, new assaults have been launched.