Michael Alvear - Not tonight dear, I feel fat: how to stop worrying about your body and have great sex

Copyright 2013 by Michael Alvear

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Alvear, Michael.

Not tonight dear, I feel fat : how to stop worrying about your body and have great sex / Michael Alvear.

pages cm

Includes bibliographical references.

(pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Sex instruction for women. 2. Body image in women. 3. Women--Sexual behavior. 4. Sex. I. Title.

HQ46.A544 2013

306.7082--dc23

2013001627

Printed and bound in the United States of America.
VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Oh my god, hes touching it.

Sound familiar? Just about every body-conscious woman says something like that to herself at some point during sex. The it, of course, is the part of your body you dont like. Sometimes this is just a passing thought, but sometimes that thought gets stuck, sets up camp, and gives birth to hundreds of others like it.

You start thinking things like Im too fat to have sex, even though youre objectively average-sized. You tell friends youre not having sex till youre a size six. You put conditions on sex. You wear cover-up clothing. You only have sex with the lights out. You only get in positions that prevent your partner from looking at or touching certain parts of your body. Your partner starts getting a little tired of conditional sex and now you start having duty sex to avoid losing him or getting into terrible arguments. What you used to enjoy you now endure. Pretty soon your desire for any sex, conditional or not, goes away. Or your libido stays high but self-judgment paralyzes your enjoyment of making love.

Studies in academic periodicals and popular surveys show that this is an alarming trendmillions of women are losing their libido or putting off sex, even when theyre in the moodbecause they feel like theyre too fat. Notice that last partits not because they are fat, but because they think they are. The problem is so bad that a study in the Journal of Sex Research concluded that how you feel about your body has more of an influence on sexual functioning than even menopause! Bedroom body shame is ruining sex for a growing number of women, from the petite to the plus size. They are seeing their sex lives fall off the cliff, taking their relationships along with them.

As the co-host of HBOs Sex Inspectors , a sex makeover series that helped couples improve their love lives, I have seen the damage that bedroom body shame can do to a relationship. In one heartbreaking episode, Sarah, who in no way, shape, or form could be considered fat, was so ashamed of her jiggly thighs that she would only have sex in the missionary position, and then only when the lights were out. She could only enjoy sex when her boyfriend couldnt see her body. She avoided sex more and more as a way of protecting herself, but all she managed to do was drive her boyfriend away.

Sarah had to face the fact that sexual body consciousness was threatening her relationship (and if shed been single, it would have impinged on her ability to establish one). Diminished sexual satisfaction across time predicts the likelihood of a divorce or a breakup. Lack of sex, or the inability to enjoy it, closes you off to the kind of closeness, meaning, and connection that form the basis of relationships.

On the show I worked with all kinds of couples. Some of the women worked, some stayed at home. Some were single, some were married. Some were childless, some had children. Some were thin, some were average-sized. None were overweight but it didnt matterthey all struggled with some level of body shame in the bedroom. I dont deserve sex , one woman told me. Not without a flat belly. I cant think of anything you can say to yourself that could be so cruel. Or so wrong. Yet every night, millions of women say some version of this to themselves when their husbands and boyfriends try to express their love physically.

Women often joke that theyre having a fat day, but for too many that fat day turns into fat weeks, months, and years. What starts out as a funny phrase can turn into a not-so-funny idea: My body isnt attractive enough for sex. Body consciousness in the bedroom is so profound and so prevalent that sex researchers call it a normative discontent. Meaning its now normal for women to be unhappy with their bodies. This has predictably turned into rampant sexual self-consciousnessthat awful feeling that some part of your body is a sexual turn-off and that if you dont fix, cover, or hide it, your partners going to be repulsed by it.

If youre reading this book, then youre probably sexually self-conscious and looking for ways to calm your body anxiety. The uncomfortable reality is that your attempts at fixing the problem have probably made it worse. Maybe youve tried dieting and exercise with little success. Or youve avoided sex only to realize it poisons the relationship. Youve put conditions on sex, but they just manage to lessen the enjoyment for everyone. Youve forced yourself into duty sex, but your partner knows youre faking it. You begin losing your libido as a subconscious effort to avoid shame-inducing sex, but now your partner feels unloved and unwanted.

All of these well-meaning but unworkable coping strategies may buy you time, but theyre digging you into a deeper hole. And the first rule of holes is that when youre in one, stop digging. Admittedly, its hard to put the shovel down and try a different approach because there doesnt seem to be one. There are no books on overcoming body anxiety to have good sex, and the few magazine articles that address the subject do a great disservice by recommending you find more creative ways of doing what youre already doing.

Ive been writing about sex for twelve years. Ive hosted three seasons of Sex Inspectors. Ive answered thousands of advice-seeking emails and conducted hundreds of interviews with sex therapists, physicians, and gynecologists. And yet neither I nor any of these experts could offer a coherent path out of the problem. It wasnt just frustrating; it was heartbreaking, because so many women I care about (even in my own family) suffer from pronounced sexual self-consciousness. With twelve years of reporting on sex and access to so many credentialed experts, how could I not be able to offer a solution to the women I cared about?