Stanley Siegel LCSW - Your Brain on Sex

Copyright 2011 by Stanley Siegel

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Siegel, Stanley.

Your brain on sex : how smarter sex can change your life / Stanley Siegel.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

1. Sex (Psychology) 2. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title.

BF692.S448 2011

155.3dc23

2011027390

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For my mother, Essie, with love, compassion, and admiration

The title of this book, Your Brain on Sex, is meant to catch your attention. Not just so youll pick up the book, but because of this: it is your attention to sex that can change your life. I dont mean this in the ordinary sense of giving your sex life more attention. What I mean is that by focusing your thoughts on your true sexual desires, you can learn to understand what they mean and how you can use them to improve relationships, heal past wounds, and have a more fulfilling life. I use the word brain because what will be required of you is more than just physical or emotional. You will learn in this book how to think about sex intelligently so that your experience of it will organize your emotions, your body, your thoughts, your desires, your fantasies, and your spirit. Your Brain on Sex refers to what happens when all of these forces are engaged at full power. I call the process used to achieve this intelligent lust. Following the steps described in this book allows the brain to organize all the information you have about a sexual encounter into an experience that is more than just good sex. It is not only great sex, but also smart sexsex that can change your life.

Acknowledgments

I feel indebted to the many scientists, therapists, and artists over the years who had the courage to speak up about human sexuality and enrich our understanding of how sex acts as a healing force in our daily lives. Its through them that I came to appreciate the importance of sexual self-discovery as a valid goal in life.

I am deeply grateful to the patients who make an appearance in this book and who privately shared so much of their pain and triumph of their lives. I hope this book will honor them through the impact their stories have in helping others to celebrate their sexuality.

I am also deeply grateful for the guidance of my agent, Rebecca Gradinger, and the writer Gene Stone who both made important contributions in shaping the composition of the early manuscript, and to my editor, Shana Drehs at Sourcebooks, for her invaluable suggestions as the manuscript evolved. Thanks to social media consultant Adam MacLean and photographers James Meade and Posy Quarterman.

For their support, encouragement, and generosity, I thank my colleagues John Heussy, MD; Bob Bergeron, LCSW; James Carnelia, PhD; and the writers Sheila Heti, Kathleen Cox, and Chase Booth.

Finally, I thank my friends and familyWade Blackmon; Joey Smith; Richard Mancuso; Bob Ponterelli; Daryl Summers; Bridey; Lori and Mark Burns; Jeffrey Rose; and Judith Canelesfor their love and forbearance. I would have never been able to write this book were it not for the brilliant mentoring of the late Ed Lowe, my coauthor on two previous books, and my first editor at Newsday, Phyllis Singer. Of course, this book would not be what it is without the many extraordinary conversations with my daughter, Alyssa Siegel.

Introduction

Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex.

HENRY ELLIS

If youre like most of us, the subject of sex makes you at least a little uneasy, if not completely uncomfortable. Sex is shrouded in so much mystery and secrecy and considered so personal that its a wonder we can ever have an honest conversation about it. But if we could talk freely and openly with each other, we would discover that sex means something different to everyone, often something far from the ideas that Hollywood and Madison Avenue feed us.

Some of us think of sex as a simple act of physical pleasure, while for others its a way of communicating deep feelings, and still others see sex as a spiritual experience. The definition of sexual activity also differs from person to person. It can be kissing, touching, intercourse, bondage, oral, conversational, punishing, dominating, wrapped in leather, romantic, observing, disciplining, and much, much more. It is as varied as our individual personalities.

But what usually doesnt come to mind when we think about sex is what is actually happening when we engage in it with a real person. Sex creates a moment of extreme intensity in which our entire inner lifeour history and imaginationis expressed in actions. It is an altered state of consciousness in which the past and the present, body, mind, and spirit, all merge to form a new reality unlike any other experience in our lives. Depending on the circumstance, sex can be either physically and mentally gratifying or alienating and unfulfilling.

Because sex is so compelling at all these levels, it is frequently in our thoughts. I have been a psychotherapist in New York City for thirty-six years, and during this time, I have counseled innumerable patients. In nearly every case, regardless of the problem that led someone to seek therapy, the conversation has inevitably turned to sex.

Some patients express disappointment over the amount of sex in their lives, some are frustrated by a partners lack of interest in sexual experimentation, some are concerned about sexual performance, some look in the wrong places to fulfill their desire, and still others are simply curious about their sexual fantasies and desires.

What I tell everyone, no matter what their issue, is that sex is more than any of these topics. It is a doorway into our deepest psyches. More importantly, sex can help heal our lives. By discovering our true sexual desires, as well as uncovering their origin, sex can be much more than just great. It can be life-changing.

This book will guide you to understanding your true sexual nature and show you how to use those insights as tools for enjoying smart sex, a kind of experience that will lead to personal and spiritual growth and a truly fulfilling life.

Why? Because true sexual fulfillment is based on self-knowledge and authenticitynot just the sexual act itself.