Lily McNeil - Guide to Understanding Women

You may have heard somewhere that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. Whether or not this is indeed the case (I hear NASA is still looking into it), were all here together on planet Earth. And we have to get along. And what better way to get along with the opposite sex (more on this opposite nonsense later) than to truly understand where theyre coming from? Heres your first hint: its not Venus.

This guide to the gentler sex (a big misconceptionlots of women are tough as nails ) will give you some starting points to figuring out those seemingly inscrutable womenfolk. Whether youre on the dating scene, just married, long married, divorced, have a daughter/mother/sister/female coworker, or just plain live in the world, you will have to interact with a woman at some point. Remember the following fundamental points, and you may find that women arent as mysteriousor at least not as scaryas you thought.

Lets start simply.

Remember when you were a little kid, and it didnt particularly matter whether or not your Tuesday morning New Mom Brunch n Play Date was with a girl or a boy? You probably just acknowledged the other kids presence, made sure your mom wasnt looking, and started grinding Crayons into the carpet. Right? Maybe that other kid took notice, liked your style, and joined you in your deconstructionist artistic endeavors. Here you were, just two tiny humans, on a joint mission to make your mothers lives more interesting.

Then you got a bit older, and it started to matter whether you hung out with girls or boys. At first, girls were totally weird, not interesting, and probably had cooties. One day, however, they became strangely fascinating . This is not to say that you actually spoke to themmost likely you talked to your friends about them. Or at least about some fantastical idea of them.

Then, somehow, by the grace of all that is good, you got your first girlfriend. And you got your first real education in human romantic/sexual relationships. Whether or not you knew it at the time, that initial romantic relationship created another templateyour family relationships created the firstfor your future interactions with women. This does not mean that you necessarily understood women. Hence this template-refining guide.

First things first: women are not the opposite of men. They are different, but they are also human beings with valid opinions, thoughts, feelings, fears, wishes, and desiresjust like you! Gender definition, differentiation, and roles are massive topics that cannot be covered here, but suffice it to say that many of the ways in which men and women behave are largely determined by society. And that society is likely out to sell you something . This means that women are under a lot of pressure to be, look, act, even smell a certain way. Comprehending the breadth and depth of this pressureand conducting oneself with according compassionwill take you very far in your quest to understanding women.

One of the main areas of conflict when it comes to male-female relationships (and not just romantic ones) is the different ways men and women process thoughts and make decisions. Michael G. Conner, Psy., D., outlines in an essay entitled Understanding to Difference Between Men and Women the biological and social contrast between these processes:

Women tend to be intuitive global thinkers. They consider multiple sources of information within a process that can be described as simultaneous, global in perspective and will view elements in the task in terms of their interconnectedness. Women come to understand and consider problems all at once. They take a broad or "collective" perspective, and they view elements in a task as interconnected and interdependent. Women are prone to become overwhelmed with complexities that "exist", or may exist, and may have difficulty separating their personal experience from problems.

Lets say you two are discussing whether to get a dog, move to Spain, or buy a car . Youre mentally packing your bags or envisioning yourself in the drivers seat of a sweet 2012 Porsche Cayman with a wolfhound beside you. And so is she (although shell want to drive). But while youve basically made your decision, shes considering exactly how said decision will affect the rest of your lives.

What will it be like moving so far away from family and friends? Remember when you had that red convertible Mustang and it was always in the shop? Will a wolfhound get along with your rottweiler? Actions have consequences; take a cue from her female mind and think a bit more broadly before making big decisions. You may decide to move to Europe after allbut youll be doing it in good faith.

When it comes to sex, there are no hard and fast rules (forgive the pun). While the act itself is usually just a variation on a theme, there are ever so many variations. The most important thing is to make sure you and she are on the same page, or at least in the same chapter. Sex can be wonderful, absurd, sublime, and hilarious, or it can be one of the most isolating and psychically harmful experiences in ones life.

The way to keep sex on the up-and-up (forgive, again, the pun) is to realize that each individual has their own boundaries, and their own capacity for exploration. Be clear and honest about your preferences, pleasures, and preoccupations, and ask about hers. Each woman is differenta variation on a theme.

Ultimately, understanding women is a lifelong endeavor. If youve figured out your high school sweetheart, you may think you get the female sex. Think again. Women, like men, change over the course of their lives. Their priorities shift, their physical health and sexual needs evolve , and their views of themselves develop. How do you keep up? Observe. Listen. Ask questions, check in.

The majority of people want to be seen, heard, valued, and loved for who they truly are. Keep getting to know your wife/daughter/mother/sister. Let them know who you are and whats important to you. Give complimentsand be able to accept them. A moment of thoughtfulness will fuel hours of goodwill. Remember the golden rule of mutuality: when you two are existing together, it has to be you AND her, not you OR her. It may be a clich, but communication is the key. Be genuine, and allow her to be genuine. You may just find that women are people, too.