Condo Messie - Tidy the f*ck up: the American art of organizing your sh*t

Copyright 2019 by Hollan Publishing, Inc.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Brian Peterson

Cover artwork by Getty Images

Print ISBN: 978-1-63158-544-9

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-63158-545-6

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Introduction

Thats all your house isits a pile of stuff with a cover on it. You see that when you take off in an airplane. You look down, and you see everybodys got a little pile of stuff.... Thats all your house is. Its a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff!

George Carlin

With the exception of a handful of super-organized people, we human beings are a fucking mess. If youre Type A and pretty content with your obsessive need to control everything, youre probably not reading a book on how to get your shit together. This book is for the rest of us lazy assholes who are starting to think that the mess isnt fine.

You cant be in the its fine place and tidy up. If youre in the its fine place, youre sitting on the couch, watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and ignoring the fact that you havent seen the floor in a few months. No, you have to be so sick of your own bullshit that you cant stand it anymore.

You have to be ready to make a change, because youre going to have to roll up your sleeves and do some actual fucking work. Stubborn determination is the real magic. If youre not completely fed up, youll surrender to the mess five minutes into the cleanup and end up back on the couch.

Youve picked up this book because you want to make a change. Or you couldnt wrap your head around the advice in other books. Or you just wanted a laugh. Any which way, youre ready for better things.

Dont let anyone bullshit you into thinking you can transform your home and your life overnight. You didnt create this mess in a day, youre not going to clean it up in one. Unless youre a psychopath and have utterly no attachment to the things that youve bought. But more than likely, youre surprisingly attached to crap you dont even like, and youre going to need a little help letting go.

Your mess is a combination of stress, envy, emotional baggage, and some high-level susceptibility to marketing. Untangling all that isnt easy, but its worth it. Dont know where to start? Then youve come to the right place.

This book is part tidying advice, part foul-mouthed comedy special, and part therapy session. Its meant to help you create your happy place on your own terms . There is no one-size-fits-all strategy. Take the bits that help, leave the ones that dont. Read the book all at once, a little at a time as you need it, or both. Its entirely up to you. (I dont give a damn whether you actually follow throughits not my mess.)

Getting your shit together isnt just about being able to find your car keys (although thats pretty fucking useful). Its about having a home that feels like coming up for air after a shitty day at work. The steps are simple: get rid of shit that doesnt make you happy, find a place for whats left, and stop buying shit you dont need.

You were hoping for a shortcut, right? Well, youre in luck. I happen to have one on me: be selfish. Im not saying you should be an asshole to your family or hoard your treasures like Scrooge McDuck. Im just saying that you need to get clear on what you want. Not what your mom wants or what your third-grade teacher wants. Just you.

All youre trying to do when you buy shit is make yourself happy. You think that next pair of sneakers or shiny new kitchen appliance is going to make you feel better. And it does, for a minute. But then the high wears off and you have to get your next fix.

Instead of bouncing from one useless object to the next, take the time to think about what you want. What would make you happy? What does your perfect space feel like? Get clear on that, and youll have no problem getting your shit together.

Dont get in your head about how much youll have to give up to get there. Focusing on what to get rid of is a recipe for depression. And hoarding. Instead, focus on what lights you up. Surround yourself with that kind of stuff. (Well deal with your Negative Nancy crap about being practical later.)

If you have a partner/kids/roommate, you may have to compromise down the line. But the starting line is the same: everybody gets clear on what makes them smile. Most of the time, this makes finding compromise in a shared space simpler. Sometimes, it reveals more pressing issues than a messy house (like when a sexy Princess Leia poster makes him happy, but it makes you want to divorce him).

My methods may not change your life, but they should help you get a handle on your shit in more ways than one. Knowing what you really want is a superpower. It helps you not only conquer your home but also fend off all the bullshit life throws at you. Think Im kidding? Read the book and see for yourself. Im not going to give it all away in the intro. This is a Marvel superhero movieyou have to stick around until the end to get the whole story.

Why Cant You Get Your Sh*t Together?

Its not that you dont know how, its that you dont want to

Organization isnt magic, its work. When you work all day, you damn sure dont want to come home and do more work. And if you work at home (stay-at-home parents and caretakers obviously included), you probably just throw your hands up in surrender at a certain point because youre constantly surrounded by the mess and dont have the time or energy to deal with it. At the end of the day, you just need a fucking break.

I get it. We all get it. But exhaustion and overwhelm arent the only roadblocks to getting your shit together. When you get right down to it, human beings are just lazy. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? We all have a problem: we dont want to do one more thing than we absolutely have to.

And thanks to endless innovation (on the part of people who give just enough fucks to create technology that caters to their own laziness), we find new ways to be lazy every day. Dont feel like going out to eat? Open an app and order in. You dont even have to talk to another human! Cant be bothered to go shopping for your nephews birthday present? Well hello there, free two-day shipping!

But unless you have the money to pay someone else to clean up after you, you cant lazy your way out of organizing. And heres the secret: no professional organizer worth her salt will do the work for you anyway. Not only will the organization not stick, but God forbid she throws out your favorite tee shirt from eighth grade and you Yelp her into oblivion.