Collins - Out of control: couples, conflict and the capacity for change

Out of Control is a call to action; at times funny, touching, insightful, challenging and profoundly disturbing... without doubt this is a must-read for every church leader.

Kate Coleman, founder and co-director of Next Leadership

When I first began to review books, two decades ago, I was a jobbing pastor, and took a vow that I would never write every pastor should read this book the life is too busy, and too varied, for that ever to be true. Or so I thought. Today I repent: every pastor should read Natalie Collinss book, and should give it to their leaders to read as well. Domestic violence is an enormous hidden plague that infects every community, and every congregation, in the land, and Natalie exposes the reality of this, and points to practical steps we can all take to help.

Even better, Natalie communicates out of deep expertise, but simply, even colloquially. And all her passion, all her hope, all her joy, all her humour, are present in this book. It is a magnificent achievement, and it matters. Read it!

Dr Stephen Holmes, Senior Lecturer in Systematic Theology, University of St Andrews

No one who has met Natalie Collins will be surprised at this book. It is authentically hers, full of energy, insight, quirks and personal narrative. Few people can pepper a serious, even scholarly, book on domestic abuse with comments that leave you laughing out loud! But finding humour in tragedy is Natalies great gift, as is her refusal to be cowed by what she has gone through. This book is both realistic and hopeful, opening a window on abusers and abused, not least by Natalies personification of the tactics of torture. The profiles of abusing partners, and the struggles of those who suffer, will be soberly familiar to many. Written with Christian wisdom and vigour, Natalies up-to-date, well-researched and must-read book challenges us all to work ever harder towards the eradication of violence against women. Elaine Storkey, broadcaster, philosopher, theologian and author of Scars Across Humanity: Understanding and overcoming violence against women Natalie Collins is a gender justice specialist and set up Spark to enable individuals and organizations to prevent and respond to male violence against women. She is the creator and director of the DAY Programme, an innovative youth domestic abuse and exploitation education programme, and she seeks to improve the representation of women within Christian culture through organizing Project 3:28. She is a co-founder of the UK Christian Feminist Network, founded the Fifty Shades Is Domestic Abuse campaign, and has written the Own My Life course for women who have been subjected to male violence. She blogs and tweets as God Loves Women, and she speaks and writes nationally and internationally about understanding and ending gender injustice. She has written a Grove book on genderaware youth practice, has contributed to various other publications, and is working towards an MA in Integrative Theology. She is a northerner living in Essex with her awesome husband, excellent children and adorable dog.

OUT OF CONTROL

Couples, conflict and
the capacity for change

Natalie Collins

First published in Great Britain in 2019

Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge

36 Causton Street

London SW1P 4ST www.spck.org.uk

Copyright Natalie Collins 2019

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

SPCK does not necessarily endorse the individual views contained in its publications.

The author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the external website and email addresses included in this book are correct and up to date at the time of going to press. The author and publisher are not responsible for the content, quality or continuing accessibility of the sites.

Graphics on pp. 20 and 119 are copyright Natalie Collins

Every effort has been made to seek permission to use copyright material reproduced in this book. The publisher apologizes for those cases where permission might not have been sought and, if notified, will formally seek permission at the earliest opportunity.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version (Anglicized edition). Copyright 1979, 1984, 2011 by Biblica. Used by permission of Hodder & Stoughton Ltd, an Hachette UK company. All rights reserved.NIC is a registered trademark of Biblica. UK trademark number 1448790.

British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 9780281078905

eBook ISBN 9780281078912

Typeset in 10.5/15 pt Bembo by Falcon Oast Graphic Art Ltd First printed in Great Britain by Ashford Colour Press Subsequently digitally reprinted in Great Britain

eBook by Falcon Oast Graphic Art Ltd

Produced on paper from sustainable forests

This book is dedicated to my dear friend Susan King,
whose knowledge, love and compassion
inspire me and teach me so much

There are lots of people I am grateful to for their support and wisdom in making this book a reality:

Nicola, Irene, Lauren, Anna and Alex, for reading through the book and sharing their wisdom and ideas with me; Paula Gooder and Steve Holmes, who responded to my theological questions with great wisdom, and my brother Danjo, who was on hand to help with legal stuff; Dave and Charlotte Walker, who invited me round to discuss book names, and Vicky Walker and Hannah Mudge, who have been on hand to offer their thoughts; Thomas Creedy, who was super-encouraging in getting me to consider writing the book, and Juliet, my editor, who has been lovely, encouraging and supportive; the team at SPCK, who are all part of making the book happen; the many women who have shared their lives with me, and I with them, whose tenacity and courage are the reason I continue to believe that change must be possible; the foremothers whose shoulders I gratefully stand upon, Elaine Storkey, Catherine Clark Kroeger and many others; the women working tirelessly to run womens services across the UK support workers, counsellors, managers, childrens workers, IDVAs, ISVAs who continue to provide safe spaces for women, while their budgets shrink and the political demands on them increase; the feminists whove become my friends even though Im a weirdo who loves Jesus; the generous people who support my work financially and through prayer, and those over the years who have worked with me and championed me; my husband Baggy, whose dedication to me and our family enables me to do all of the things I do, and our children, who make life excellent. Finally, to God be the glory in all that I do, for it is in him that I live and move and have my being.

The words domestic violence provoke within each person a different story, feeling or mental image. They might involve a previous relationship, an ex-partner who harmed them in ways they have never shared or images theyve seen in online articles of a bruised woman cowering in a corner. Some will envisage a large brutish council-estate resident swearing at strangers and being generally unpleasant. Others will feel the terror of a childhood lived in fear creeping into their hearts. The term domestic violence is not value-neutral. We all bring our own perceptions, prejudices and personal stories to its meaning.