Gill Nikita - Dragonhearts: poems & prose

dragonhearts copyright 2019 by Nikita Gill, Amanda Lovelace, and Trista Mateer. All rights reserved. No part of this book maybe used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. ISBN: 9781793149459 Editor: Mira Kennedy Designer: Amanda Lovelace & Trista Mateer
Interior Art: Trista Mateer Cover Font: Trista Mateer Cover Photo: Lauren Zaknoun
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to anyone who is looking for a home for their heart: may you let it rest on these pages. trigger warning: intimate partner violence, intimate partner abuse, child abuse, emotional abuse, stalking, queerphobia, sexism, mental health issues, body image issues, bullying, trauma, death, violence, fire, blood, & gore. what does being a dragonheart mean to you? surviving / having flames in your veins / never-ending loyalty / powerful alone & with like-hearted people / loving fiercely / strong-spined / dangerous / celebrating yourself / celebrating others / magic even without spells / protective / gentle but armored / light-giver / reigning supremely / what fairy tales are made of / queen of your own life / no doubts about your own worth / forever valiant / tower-breaker / kingdom-shaker / standing up for others / resisting over & over / taking charge of your narrative / bravery beyond measure / not giving negativity a seat at your table / facing the fire head-on / prioritizing yourself / story-hungry / made of gold / dream-chaser / sea storm courage / voice-reclaimer / war-hearted / flower-hearted / RELENTLESS You are never ever truly breaking. what does being a dragonheart mean to you? surviving / having flames in your veins / never-ending loyalty / powerful alone & with like-hearted people / loving fiercely / strong-spined / dangerous / celebrating yourself / celebrating others / magic even without spells / protective / gentle but armored / light-giver / reigning supremely / what fairy tales are made of / queen of your own life / no doubts about your own worth / forever valiant / tower-breaker / kingdom-shaker / standing up for others / resisting over & over / taking charge of your narrative / bravery beyond measure / not giving negativity a seat at your table / facing the fire head-on / prioritizing yourself / story-hungry / made of gold / dream-chaser / sea storm courage / voice-reclaimer / war-hearted / flower-hearted / RELENTLESS You are never ever truly breaking.

There is nothing about you that must fit into a mold, yet the world keeps trying to mold you, shove you into a box, act like this is all that you are. Imagine how ridiculous they must seem to anyone looking in from across the universe. Trying to shove a whole galaxy into a box and stamp the word normal onto it, as if it was just going to stay put, as if it wont just burst through any container it is put into. You are simply doing what all galaxies are inclined to do. You are shattering the thing that holds you in. by Nikita Gill sinking further into myself / becoming small / Russian doll creature / onion climbing back inside her layers / he put his hands on me and I turned docile / lost touch with my friends / locked up my shoes and coat / he plied me with tea and honey / and I grew too lazy to lift a hand in defense of myself / I didnt forget my own name but I forgot other things / watched the sun come up / chugged NyQuil before crawling into bed next to him / called it a sleeping potion / over the counter magic / his breath in the bed made me nervous until it didnt / I never really shook the nerves / just the urgency / got complacent and called it love / let my body wither under my own care / I put curlers in while he was at work / I made small talk with his mother / watched the way she moved through the house / and ghosted after her / specter in a nightgown washing dishes / baking pies / contemplating death at the kitchen table / I thought domesticity was an illness until I realized I was sick on bad love / by the time I left I was clawing out of my own skin / aching for a moment of beauty that had nothing to do with my body by Trista Mateer Become fluent in the language of letting go. by Nikita Gill sinking further into myself / becoming small / Russian doll creature / onion climbing back inside her layers / he put his hands on me and I turned docile / lost touch with my friends / locked up my shoes and coat / he plied me with tea and honey / and I grew too lazy to lift a hand in defense of myself / I didnt forget my own name but I forgot other things / watched the sun come up / chugged NyQuil before crawling into bed next to him / called it a sleeping potion / over the counter magic / his breath in the bed made me nervous until it didnt / I never really shook the nerves / just the urgency / got complacent and called it love / let my body wither under my own care / I put curlers in while he was at work / I made small talk with his mother / watched the way she moved through the house / and ghosted after her / specter in a nightgown washing dishes / baking pies / contemplating death at the kitchen table / I thought domesticity was an illness until I realized I was sick on bad love / by the time I left I was clawing out of my own skin / aching for a moment of beauty that had nothing to do with my body by Trista Mateer Become fluent in the language of letting go.

Learn to give people up before they hurt you beyond repair. Even if they tell you that they will change. Even if they tell you that they love you. Just remember, love isnt meant to be permanently damaging. Love is meant to aid your healing. by Nikita Gill ON BEING STALKED Roses smashed on the front porch.

Bobby pins mailed back one by one. A shadow is just a shadow until it starts to scare you. A man is just a man until he reaches for your throat. Until he watches you from parked cars and street corners. Slits your tires. Shows up at your job.

Follows you out of town. So yes, YES. I set aside my quiet. I bought a pocket knife. I shrieked at him on the street. I caused a scene at every public place he showed up.

People called it unladylike, said he was just acting out of love, said men were animals but I was crazy . Maybe they were right, but I felt powerless until the day I realized that hell is a place other people put you and I could put us both there. by Trista Mateer Hellfire You sad achey thing, mouth twisted like the wretch he made you. Take out your capped tooth and spread the cyanide over any earth he touched, bite each bruise until its yours and yours alone. Spit love back at them like its full of acid, like hell is a place that you are always walking back out of, not a scratch on you. / despite their confidence, / they simply lacked the strength to take the beast down. / in the end, / i was the one who climbed the pile of the fallen, / took hold of a bloodied sword, / slashed open both our chests, / & placed its heart right beside mine / my prize. - dragonhearted. by amanda lovelace