Kreski - Life lessons from Xena, warrior princess: a guide to happiness, success, and body armor

ALSO BY CHRIS KRESKI

G ROWING U P B RADY

(with Barry Williams)

S TAR T REK M EMORIES

S TAR T REK M OVIE M EMORIES

(with William Shatner)

FOR AMELIA ROSE KRESKI,

Warrior Third Grader

L IFE L ESSONS FROM X ENA , W ARRIOR P RINCESS copyright 1998 by Chris Kreski. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC

an Andrews McMeel Universal company

1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Life lessons from Xena, warrior princess : a guide to happiness, success, and body armor / Chris Kreski.

p. cm.

ISBN: 0-8362-6767-2 (pbk.)

1. SuccessPsychological aspects. I. Title.

BF637.S8K74 1998

158-dc21 98-13635

CIP

Design and composition by Mauna Eichner

A TTENTION : S CHOOLS AND B USINESSES

Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department:

Xena is a character from the television show X ENA : W ARRIOR P RINCESS , the rights to which are owned by Universal Studios. Universal Studios has not participated in the preparation or publishing of this book. This book is not a Universal Studios product or the product of any affiliate of Universal Studios. It is not authorized, sanctioned, sponsored, or approved by Universal Studios or any such affiliate. This book is published solely for entertainment as a humorous parody.

eadership is an intangible quality.

Leadership has no all-encompassing definition.

Leadership becomes self-evident only through action, experience, satisfaction, and exampleor a corner office.

oo often, life asks the true leader this question: Conquer or run away?

A Warrior Princess never runs away.

Instead, she fights, she battles, and in the rare instance where she knows in her heart that she will los e... she delegates.

opper breastplates intimidate.

Thigh-high boots convey power.

Weapons are always appropriate accessories.

Dress codes are not to be taken lightly.

n successfully presenting new ideas to allies, it is important to use clear, concise language and powerfully persuasive arguments.

Should there remain opposition toward any of your initiatives, a boot to the head usually presents an effective alternative solution.

peak softly, but carry a big stick... and a sabre, and a knife, and a singing sword, and a mace, and a shield, and a lasso, and a killer Frisbee, and...

N ever
put
off
until
tomorrow
what
you
can
decapitate
today.

emember:

Gazing toward the heavens for divine guidance may be good for the soul, but it also leaves you vulnerable to the attacks of surly midgets.

emember:

Never practice your smiting on an ally. Blood spilled unnecessarily can never be erased from the minds ey e... nor can it be easily removed from living-room carpets.

C ONSIDER :

Callisto is evil personified.

Callisto is a sociopath.

Callisto fancies herself a leader... bitterly lusting after the power held by her superiors, while twistedly plotting their collective doom.

C ONCLUSION :

Callisto is NOT a leader.

Callisto is middle management.

ith a smile, a positive attitude, and a cheerful dispositio n... you can get up really close to an enemy and kill him before he has ANY idea what the hells happening.

Success
is
99 percent
... perspiratio n...
and
1 percent
avoidance
of
the
bubonic
plague.

ood grooming is essential to success.

All warriors should consider being bathed and deloused on a quarterly basis.

eechings are considered an elective procedure and as such are NOT covered under existing medical plans.

successful minion keeps up with the cutting edge of technology. In todays Knownworld, being abacus-literate is a MUST.

s always, habitual tardiness, unacceptable productivity, and the disemboweling of coworkers are all grounds for immediate termination.

lways be politically correct. Centaurs now prefer the term equine-Knownworlders to the previously accepted big-fat-hairy-assed-stupid-smelly-half-horse-guys.

ending a brief thank-you note to a fellow warlord, after youve enjoyed a successful summit meeting, is considered good etiquette.

Sending a sympathy card to his next of kin, after youve killed him, is also encouraged.

omance within the ranks is frowned upon. However, extraordinarily close, wildly flirtatious, sexually ambiguous friendships between Warrior Princesses and their nubile, young, strawberry-blonde companions are, as always, highly encouraged.