Kasper Hauser - Earn Your MBA on the Toilet

Copyright 2013 by Kasper Hauser Comedy Group LLC

Foreword 2013 by Rob Delaney

Illustrations on 2013 by James Yamasaki

Illustrations on 2013 by Jayson Wynkoop

Illustration on 2013 by Vince Bohner

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

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Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the publisher.

Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-60774-424-5

eBook ISBN: 978-1-60774-425-2

Design by Katy Brown

Cover photograph by Julie Caskey

v3.1

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

LOOK OVER THERE. See that palace on the hill? How did it get there? If youre an idiot, or a poor, you probably guessed that someone built it. WRONG. Maybe you built your slanting hovel down by the railroad tracks, but a palace materializes fully formed due to the Power of Business. And that just so happens to be Lesson One of business school: If you point at a hill, you can make a palace with your mind. I hope you wrote that downor at least didnt cross it off the page after you read it, because there will be a test and that test is called Life, Terry.

Youll notice Ive decided your name is Terry. Maybe thats not the name your parents gave you, but God damn it, its your name now. Ive made a decision, and thats business.

Business: its as old as rocks and as elemental as fire. When you see a timeworn black-and-white photograph of a bearded man with his brow furrowed and his collar made of Dutch papyrus, chances are hes thinking about business. Is his business pleasure? Why, thats none of your you guessed it: BUSINESS! See? Business can be fun too! Just ask President Mitt Romney. When you see him tilt that leonine head back and bark out a few staccato HA! HA! HA!s you can bet your gingham SARS mask hes having fun.

Im not entirely certain why Kasper Hauser asked me to write the foreword to this book. Is it because I took the money my cousin earned from his childhood paper route and turned it into a dynamic media empire that makes CNN look like a ragged burlap sack of decomposing donkey meat? Is it because Barack Obama himself came to my yacht in January of 2009 to beg me to save the global economy from collapse by leveraging my collection of Faberg dog eggs against the Chinese yuan? Is it because I told Steve Jobs Id mount a hostile takeover of Apple and sell it to the Saudis if he didnt figure out a way to fit my encyclopedic collection of Eagles bootlegs between my buttocks back in 1997? Id have to guess that yes, all of those achievements are factors in Kasper Hauser asking me to write this foreword. Or maybe, like the rest of the world, they wanted to hear from the man Bill Gates himself called a f#cking monster, and Warren Buffet deemed the Pol Pot of modern commerce. Yes, Ive known my fair share of success! But the difference between me and the aforementioned novices is that Ive always wanted more than my fair share. Ive wanted your share and her share and his share too. And Ive taken it, with the power of business, whose language Ive mastered, for I am a Master of Business. If you read this book, youll be a Master of Business as well. If you read it twice youll be a Doctor of Business. Thrice, and youll look Donald Trump in the eyes at the same time you f#ck him in the ass. How will you achieve that? Read on, Terry

The S.S. Suede Resolve , Grand Cayman Island

Join the 1 percent
without leaving your toilet!

INTRODUCTION

WHAT ARE YOU DOING with your life? Not succeeding, thats what. And youre not alone

Hundreds of billions of men and women say they wish they were doing more, earning more, or giving back more, getting the love they want, getting to yes, or getting the f#ck out of Dodge and starting to start their own start-up.

Are you sick of hoping for a better future? Of having people tell you to take some ownership of your careerto shit or get off the pot?

Now you can do both. The book youre holding in your hands will literally pump your potty time into a Brain-Xpanding Tragetunity. The Kasper Hauser Toilet Training Series is a revolutionary new paper bookbased system that literally converts shit into gold.

Heres our value proposition: instead of reading the same old pee-splattered copy of Thursdays with Bilbo every morning on the can, how about using that time to get an Ivy Leaguelevel education instead?

Heres the advantage of our system: unlike at a fancy private college, it doesnt take literally forever to go through one of our courses. Instead, you can complete an entire semester in about the time it takes to make a Belgian waffle.