Tommy Lee - Tommyland

STATE OF SEDUCTION

a.k.a.

DR. LEES LOVE TIPS

If you want a woman and youre looking for one, then stop, because in love, you only find what you want when youre not looking. If youre on the prowl, think about your attitude: Its clear that youre trying too hard. And where do most people prowl? Clubs and bars. Trust me, if youre digging for treasure in a Dumpster, you might find some, but youre gonna get pretty fucking dirty rootin through all that trash. I shouldnt say shit because, aside from Heather, Ive met just about every woman Ive ever been with in a club. But thats because I dont go anywhere during the day. Hey, maybe thats my problem: I never meet the women I date in normal places like supermarkets or bookstores or kids soccer games. Whatever.

Dr. Lee has learned a few things about sex and love over the years and heres the first: Big girls are the hottest, craziest fucks ever. Im talking about big girlsand I dont mean tall. They are a screaming, fucking crazy hot, big yummy time, trust me. Big girls need love too, so be there for them, bros, and be prepared for them to go fucking nuts on you. I hate dudes who hate on big girls. Dont hate on any girl because shes anything. Shes a girl, dude. Im proud to say that this Doctor does not discriminate. The girls in my life have come in all shapes and sizes. Diversitythats what the Doctor orders.

A good idea to fire up your relationship is to drive down the highway at about sixty-five miles per hour and have sex with your girl. Now if that doesnt excite you, you must be dead. But please believe me, youve got to be careful.

I like danger, always have. I like feeling that good and knowing that I could die at any second. There are rules though. Never use cruise control if you plan to try this because youll end up cruising along like, This is rad, and then, boom! And theres no bigger bummer than crashing your car midfuck. That is the worst wake-up call: If you dont die, youve made your car into an accordion up the ass of an eighteen-wheeler. Youll nurse your blue balls and broken bones on the side of the freeway waiting for the cops and the tow truck to show upif youre lucky. (Not to mention the damage an air bag will do.) You have to watch it when you cum too, dudes, because the rules of the road become completely irrelevant for a minute there. I dont know about you, but when Im cumming, Im screaming, my eyes are closed, and I have no idea where Im at. Not to mention how all us guys become stiff as a board from our ankles up when we have an orgasm, which can be lethal when one foot is on a gas pedal and you cant see because there are tits in your face. And that is no way to drive down the freeway.

But never fear. Some sex-maniac engineer at Mercedes has figured out a way around that problem. In the two-seat convertible I have theres a computer that monitors how close you are to the car in front, behind, and to the sides of you. When you put on the cruise control you can tell it how many feet to stay away from the car ahead of you. I havent taken full advantage of it yet, but when the time is right, its on. Sometimes you just cant wait until you get home to get some, you have to rock shit right where you are. Thank God for tinted windows. Oh yeah, dont even think about trying this without tinted windows.

To turn up the heat even more, the Doctor recommends a company called Jungle Roses if youve got the love and the cash. Its owned by Rodney Dangerfields wife and it specializes in exotic flowers. You can order petals from themjust rose petalsand completely rock your girls shit by covering your bed or whatever else you want with them. But you gotta go big. The pathway of petals must start in the front yard and lead into the house, up the stairs to where the bathtub is filled with warm water and more petals and then the bedroom, where the bed has to be covered with petals too. Lose the covers and top sheet, though. You dont want to fuck with sheets when you get out of the tub and dive into bed. Making love with the smell of roses in the crack of your girls ass? It doesnt get any better.

While were on the subject of smells that inspire love and sex, Dr. Lee would like to recommend the gardenia, one of his favorite flowers. They are planted in my yard and I pick them all the time and leave a flower or two in bowls of water all around my house. If it were cool to walk around with a gardenia duct-taped to each nostril I would so that I could smell that scent all day long. I could smell that odor of horniness while I went about my business. Im serious about gardenias. When Ive been with women who wear perfume that has a trace of gardenia, I end up spraying it on myself. The Doctor doesnt believe in gender-specific scents, and neither should you. You are allowed to smell like a flower if you are a man, dont worry. Citrus smells are good too, my students, fresh and clean. If something smells like you can eat it, Im down. Chocolate, fruit, certain spicesits all good. But if a girl walks by me smelling like a gardenia, Im done. I have to go up to her to tell her that she smells fucking amazing. Smell is key, so remember this: If youre into a girl and you want to know whether its really on or not, smell her. Just walk up to her and fucking inhale her, itll set it off or turn it off real quick.

Now Dr. Lee often hears from people chasing the dream, those hoping to land the ultimate dude accomplishment: a three-way with two girls. I have been with two chicks many, many times and it isnt all its cracked up to be. Something drastic happens when youve got one person left out in the cold. There are only so many things you can all do together and there are a few lovely things you can do to both of them at the same time and them to you. But when it comes time for fucking, unless theres something out there that I dont know about, youve only got one dick. You can only give it to one girl at a time, so theres always someone waiting. You can touch the other girl and watch her touch herself while you fuck the other one, but cmon, you know she isnt quite where she wants to be.

The Doctor has the answer: The thing to do is have foursomes: three chicks and just you. Now thats what Im talking about. Its an easy way around the threesome problem I kept running into. If you have three chicks as into one another as they are into you, you can fuck one and watch the other two go at it, which adds to the overall horniness. Everyones happy, everyones playing, and everyone has someone to do. Then you switch.

After I did that once, that was it: The Doctor was converted. He will never agree to anything less. He may increase the number of girls, but he will never be with fewer than three. One last note: To make the foursome work you have to have your bulls-eye, your anchor girl, you know, and then shes got to bring in her wing-women. Dont try to mix that cocktail yourselfyou probably cant.

Heres a word to the dudes. Think about how much maintenance women do to look good. Dudes, listen to me: Mow the front lawn and the backyard too. Trust me, the right womanfuck that, any woman will appreciate it. Keep the pubes in control, shave the hair off your arms, but you can leave the legs alone. Leg shaving is weird. And if you have back hair so that your girl can knit a sweater up your spine, its all baddo something about that. Buy a Weedwacker or Nads,* or fuckgo to a salon and get your shit waxed. If youre all scared, feeling like hair removal aint macho, look at that pair of high heels you like your girlfriend to wear. You think thats easy? Walk a mile in her shoes, dude. Fuck it, walk down a flight of stairs in her shoes and youll realize that the least you can do is keep your unit trim.