a.k.a. The After-the-Last-Chapter Chapter
INTRODUCTION: STATE OF MIND
a.k.a.
STRAIGHT FROM THE DOME
Tommy:="9%" Good morning, my man.
Dick:="9%" Whats up? Well, besides me? Ive been up for a while. Im always up before you.
Tommy:="9%" You got that right. Fucking go back to sleep, would ya? Why do you have to wake me up every morning? You know I like to sleep in.
Dick:="9%" Im up because I ="9%"want="9%" to be up. It has nothing to do with you. Youre just attached to me, bro. This life youre living, its not about you, Tommy, its about me. From your first trip to the bathroom in the morning to your last orgasm at night, its all about me. Im the ="9%"man,="9%" bro. Youre the copilot. If it werent for me youd sleep all day, and then where would you be?
Tommy:="9%" Id be nice and rested.
Dick:="9%" Youd be rested without a life. Listen, Im busy enough, but you ="9%"know what? You should make me your road manager, Tommy. I am the only one who can wake you up on time.
Tommy:="9%" This is insane. My own dick is busting my balls. ="9%"Dude!="9%" You cant be my road manager, youre a ="9%"penis!="9%" Well... maybe youre right, a lot of road managers are dicks.
Dick:="9%" See what I mean? Well, now that youre awake, what are we doing today? Are the strip clubs open yet? I cant see the clock from here. Can we visit Hef up at the Playboy Mansion and see what honeys are lying out at the pool? I could use some sun.
Tommy:="9%" Sorry bud, no strip clubs, no mansion. Im writing my book today.
Dick:="9%" Oh really! So are you going to come clean, tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Tommy:="9%" Yes, your Honor. This book is going to be all truth, I promise you, whether the world can handle it or not. But dude, youre bringing back bad memories with that court talk. Dont you remember jail? Go easy, I havent even had my coffee yet.
Dick:="9%" Okay, but Im glad youre going to be honest, amigo. Im glad youre ready to publicly admit that Im ="9%"way="9%" more famous than you. We both know that Im the star and youre the personal assistant, that Im Batman and youre Robin.
Tommy:="9%" Bro, that is so wrong.
Dick:="9%" Oh yeah? We all have God-given gifts, and Im yours. Do you really think people want to read a book revealing what you think about every day? Those romantic notions you have concerning life and living? Right. All they want is me, me, and more me. If your body were a band, Id be the front man. And the front man always does the interviews. So start taking dicktation. Ill write this book myself.
Tommy:="9%" What the fuck? Have you lost your mind? Youre in my pants most of the day! I talk to the public, my man, and people want to hear what I have to say. Im the one up here making the moves, you just starred in the movie. Ive had a fucking crazy life and ="9%"yes, youve definitely done your part. Theres no denying that, but youre not all there is to me. Therell be plenty of sexy stuff you can cowrite with me. I could use your help recalling some of our finer collaborations over the years. But my man, Im forty-one, Ive lived a full life, and theres a lot to tell, a lot of which has nothing to do with you. Im the captain of this ship.
Dick:="9%" Whatever, skipper. If that helps you get through the day, hold tight to that notion. Just be sure to include this bit of truth: You owe your entire life to me. I made it all happen for you.
Tommy:="9%" Are you crazy?
Dick:="9%" No, ="9%"youre="9%" crazy. Im the cool, rational one in this relationship. I know what I want and I know how to get it. Fuck, I know what ="9%"you="9%" want and I know how to get it. Tommy, my dear friend, youre old enough to know this by now: I have been behind every decision youve ever made since second grade. I got you everything and everyone youve ever had. Think about it. Heather Locklear? Pamela Anderson, and way too many others to list? Joining your first rock band? Picking up a drumstick? That was all me, my son. I planted those seeds and I sowed plenty of them too. Fact is, I knew how to get us what we wanted. There was no way I was going to wait around for you to figure it out.
Tommy:="9%" Dude! Im going to put a fucking rubber on you if you dont shut up.
Dick:="9%" Whatever, tough guy. No matter what you write in this book of yours, I promise you, people will buy it for one reason: to find out how long I really am.