Phillips - Humans: A Brief History of How We F*cked It All Up

Modern humans have come a long way in the seventy thousand years theyve walked the earth. Art, science, culture, tradeon the evolutionary food chain, were true winners. But it hasnt always been smooth sailing, and sometimesjust occasionallyweve managed to truly f*ck things up.

Weaving together history, science, politics and pop culture, Humans offers a panoramic exploration of humankind in all its glory, or lack thereof. From Lucy, our first ancestor, who fell out of a tree and died, to General Zhou Shou of China, who stored gunpowder in his palace before a lantern festival, to the Austrian army attacking itself one drunken night, to the most spectacular fails of the present day, Humans reveals how even the most mundane mistakes can shift the course of civilization as we know it. Lively, wry and brimming with brilliant insight, this unique compendium offers a fresh take on world history and is one of the most entertaining reads of the year.

Praise for Tom Phillipss Humans

Thoroughly informative. Thoroughly entertaining. Thoroughly demoralizing. In a fun kind of way.

Robert Sapolsky, New York Times bestselling author of Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst

Humans is a thoroughly entertaining account of unintended consequences, of arrogance and ignorance, of human follies and foibles from ancient times to the present. It seems history has taught us nothingwe are doomed to keep suffering the antics of both well-intended and ill-intended fools. As I was reading I wondered how I could be so disheartened and yet at the same time be laughing out loud.

Penny Le Couteur, author of Napoleons Buttons: How 17 Molecules Changed History

Tom Phillips has proven beyond a doubt that humans are goddamn lucky to be here and are doing nearly nothing to remain relevant and viable as a speciesexcept, that is, for writing witty, entertaining, and slightly distressing-but-ultimately-endearing books about the same. And if you care to avoid orbiting the earth in a space-garbage prison of your fellow humans design, you should probably read it.

Sarah Knight, New York Times bestselling author of Get Your Sh*t Together

Humans is Tom Phillips timely, irreverent gallop through thousands of years of human stupidity. Every time you begin to find our foolishness bizarrely comforting, Phillips adds another kick in the ribs. Beneath all this books laughter is a serious question: Where does so much serial stupidity take us?

Nicholas Griffin, author of Ping-Pong Diplomacy: The Secret History Behind the Game That Changed the World

A laugh-along, worst-hits album for humanity. With the delicate touch of a scholar and the laugh-out-loud chops of a comedian, Tom Phillips shows how our species has been messing things up ever since we evolved from apes and came down from the trees some four million years ago.

Steve Brusatte, University of Edinburgh paleontologist and New York Times bestselling author of The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs

HUMANS:
A BRIEF
HISTORY OF
HOW WE
F*CKED
IT ALL UP

Tom Phillips

Given the subject matter,
dedicating this book to my family
could be badly misinterpreted.

So instead, I dedicate this to anybody
who has ever fucked up really badly.
You are not alone.

Timeline of History

3 200 000 BCE: Lucy falls out of a tree and dies. Humanity will repeat this pattern many times over the following 3.2 million years.

70 000 BCE: Modern humans migrate out of Africa, ruining everything for everyone else.

70 000 BCE40 000 BCE: Really bad period for Neanderthals.

12 000 BCE: Humanity invents war! YAY HUMANITY! GO TEAM!

11 000 BCE: Agriculture is invented, which may also have been an awful mistake tbh.

3000 BCE: The Sumerians and Egyptians invent the idea of absolute dynastic monarchy. Thanks for that, Egypt and Sumer!

2334 BCE: Sargon of Akkad goes one further and invents the idea of empires. Thanks for that, Sargon!

222 BCE: Qin Shi Huang unites China, searches for elixir of life, dies.

216 BCE: Battle of Cannae. Romans experiment with having two leaders, with opposing strategies. Goes roughly as well as youd guess.

27 BCE: In excellent news for fans of dictatorship, the Roman Republic becomes the Roman Empire.

26 BCE892 AD: Not much happens. Pretty quiet time, historically speaking.

1004: First contact between Europeans and Americans; ends in lots of murder.

1217: Ala ad-Din Muhammad II makes the worst decision in history: making an enemy of Genghis Khan.

1492: Christopher Columbus fails to discover new route to Asia, crashes into America instead. Honestly this is the point where everything starts going really wrong.

1519: In historys most ill-advised hospitality, Moctezuma invites Corts in as a guest.

16171648: Ottoman Empire endures a run of mostly terrible leaders (two of them are called the Mad, which is a bad sign).

1698: Scotland tries to establish an empire in Panama. This doesnt go well, leaving hundreds dead and the country almost bankrupt.

1788: Austrian army manages to defeat itself at the Battle of Karansebes.

1812: Napoleon tries to invade Russia. This turns out to be a terrible idea.

1859: Thomas Austin introduces 24 rabbits into Australia. This doesnt end well.

1885: King Leopold II is given the Congo for charitable purposes. His purposes are...not charitable.

1890: Shakespeare fan Eugene Schieffelin introduces 60 starlings to New York, whimsically. They become a major, non-whimsical pest.

1914: World goes to war. Its awful.

1917: In a well thought-through plan, Germany helps Lenin get back to Russia.

1923: The first leaded gasoline, developed by Thomas Midgley Jr., goes on sale. Several generations get lead poisoning.

1928: Not one to rest on his laurels, Thomas Midgley Jr. develops Freon. Which is bad news for the ozone layer.

1929: It is predicted that the economy is doing very well. Global financial crisis begins a few days later.

1933: The first dust storms of the American dust bowl begin.

1933: The very cunning German politician Franz von Papen does a deal wth Hitler in an attempt to regain power. Yeah, that doesnt work out great.

1939: World goes to war again. Even more awful this time.

1941: Hitler tries to invade Russia. Luckily, this turns out to still be a terrible idea.

1945: Robert Oppenheimer predicts that nuclear weapons will end war. Results so far are mixed.

1958: Maos Four Pests campaign begins, leading to the killing of 1 billion sparrows.

1959: Chinese famine begins, caused in part by sudden lack of sparrows.

1960: Soviets divert rivers from Aral Sea. In shock news, the Aral Sea dries up.

1961: USA hilariously fails to invade Cuba at the Bay of Pigs.

1981: The Californian town of Sunol elects a dog called Bosco Ramos as mayor. This is the only good thing to happen on this timeline.

2007: It is predicted that the economy is doing very well. Global financial crisis begins a few days later.

2018: In April 2018, atmospheric carbon dioxide passes 410 parts per million for the first time in 3.2 million years. Hey, Lucy!