Steffans - The vixen manual: how to find, seduce, & keep the man you want

Copyright 2009 by Corinthian Order

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Grand Central Publishing

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New York, NY 10017

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First eBook Edition: July 2009

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ISBN: 978-0-446-55136-6

This book is dedicated to

My Husband.

It takes one hell of a man to tame a vixen
and one hell of a vixen to let him.

What a ride its been, and even though this journey began with the help of a multitude of individuals by my side, it has continued with far more less company than during its origin.

Lolita, thank you for helping The Vixen Manual become exactly what I imagined it to be.

Karen and Jamie, thank you for your support and confidence in me. I only hope I have made Grand Central proud.

Jeff, youre a pit bull of an attorney. One day, Ill let you go crazy, I swear. Thanks for pulling it all together.

Naiim, thanks for being the best kid ever who lets Mommy work and for making me sandwiches when I was too busy to feed myself. Its all for you.

Before there was The Vixen Diaries, even before Confessions of a Video Vixen, there was The Vixen Manual. I began writing this book in late 2004 and over time continued adding to its pages. I would have to continuously reread my chapters over the years and change most everything Id written. My chapters kept changing because I kept changing. My, how I have grown since penning that first chapter way back then, and I am astounded at how much more of a metamorphosis there is left. Still, along the way, between all my torrid affairs and boomerang boyfriends, I have been given undeniably relevant and accurate advice and examples pertaining to the relationships between men and women.

Ironically, a lot of the information in this book comes from my very own trial and error. It is rare that we learn from peoples perfect achievements and more common that we learn from one anothers mistakes. In putting together the sections in The Vixen Manual, I often referred back to my own misgivings, misjudgments, and ill-fated maneuvers. I thought of all the advice Id heard but not listened to from my elders, women and men who knew more of life and love than I, and in the midst of organizing the books pages I took heed to it all and finally applied it to my life.

As I continued penning this manual, however, I could imagine the sneers and snickers of those who have read my previous works, countless interviews, and Internet blogs. Some people would be well within their rights to question my ability or qualifications to give advice of any kind, much less that which pertains to the improvement of female behavior and the guidelines of healthy male-female relationships. Who the hell do I think I am?

I am most certainly no expert, nor am I a saint. Millions of readers know I have never been a woman to walk the straight and narrow, for I am always searching for my own path and reasoning. But that very refusal to fall into what is seen as societys definition of the norm is exactly what qualifies me to, at the very least, share with you what I have learned thus far.

None of us is all-knowing nor immune, not even those who have dedicated their lives to the study of human behavior and relationships and have been honored with degrees for their years of collegiate commitment. They too suffer from esteem and relationship woes. The truth, however, is that we are all experts about our own lives, and we all have stories to share and advice to pass along. Sadly, we rarely follow our own counsel but give it freely in hopes that someone will make proper use of it. You can say this is my advice to you, but, mostly, this manual is just a conversation between us girlsand even you, fellas! It is a compilation of things I have learned combined with experienced direction from those much older and much wiser than I am. I have followed some of the advice within these pages, and some I am still trying to learn and adhere to. Trust me, I too am reading along with you.

One old adage comes to mind: Do as I say and not as I do. I never understood what it meant when adults hurled it toward me as a child, but now it all makes sense to me. Making mistakes is a natural part of the human experience. Its not unusual for all those clever little sayings that never made much sense when we were young to make a world of difference as we grow older and, hopefully, a bit wiser. Life isnt about whos coming to the party but who will be there to help you pick up the pieces when all the guests are gone. There is so much promise in all of us and, as I entered my third decade of life, I yearned for more in some areas and for less in others. More than anything, I yearned to live up to my promise. After all the wild nights and endless days, after all the people, places, and things Id encountered and experienced, I wanted to fall in love and I wanted to fall for someone who would fall for me. Most pertinent, I wanted to be worthy of it all. You see, ladies, it doesnt matter where youve been, but it does matter what youve learned while you were there. Theres nothing wrong with going to the party, but there is something very wrong with staying too long. Somewhere in my twenties, I realized I had overstayed my welcome.

At some point in our lives, we have to get serious about our futures and about our relationships. Being young and reckless is never attractive, though weve convinced ourselves that it is. Being available to and sexually irresponsible with miscellaneous males is definitely undesirable, to say the least. Somehow, weve been duped into believing that just because we can have whomever we choose that we have to exercise that right. Women, I implore youdo not do as I have done in the past. In this instance, please consider what I have to say now that the party is over. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich contributed an empowering slogan in a 1976 printing of American Quarterly: Well-behaved women seldom make history. Well, like my memoirs, The Vixen Manual is a piece of my historythe history of a woman maybe less well-behaved than some but also maybe more learned in life and loves faux pas. Contrary to what some of you may have expected, The Vixen Manual isnt about how to please every man, but how to be worthy of just onethe right oneby way of finding peace and pleasure in ourselves. Aside from that, its just plain, good old-fashioned girl talk. I hope you enjoy.

This is how you start, as a single woman looking for a life and, eventually, a life mate. At first it is exhilarating, and then one day it becomes exhausting and you long for more. But until that day, there is a lot to consider.

So youre a single girl. Youre Mary Tyler Moore, throwing your hat up into the air, thinking youre gonna make it after all. Maybe youre Laverne (or Shirley), skipping down the sidewalk, determined to make your dreams come truedoing it your way. Hell, maybe youre even Samantha Jones, the outspoken PR maven and sexual libertine from