Newman Rebecca - The bluffers guide to sex

Colette House
52-55 Piccadilly
London W1J 0DX
United Kingdom

Email:
Website: bluffers.com
Twitter: @BluffersGuide

First published 1987
This edition published 2013
Copyright Bluffers 2013

Publisher: Thomas Drewry
Publishing Director: Brooke McDonald

Series Editor: David Allsop
Design and Illustration by Jim Shannon

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of Bluffers.

A CIP Catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Bluffers Guide, Bluffers and Bluff Your Way are registered trademarks.

Neither the lack of seductive prowess nor the simple desire to avoid sharing sheets or bodily fluids need prevent you from engaging in that endlessly enjoyable pastime talking about sex.

S ex its a powerful thing. Right this minute, hundreds of millions of people are actively engaged in it (give or take a few million.) And thats not counting the ones actively engaged in it on their own. What Mae West called emotion in motion, and Sophia Loren once described as like washing your face just something you do because you have to, sex is all around us. The theme of countless songs, books, poems, films and plays, it is the hook which sells well, pretty much anything really.

Sex drives us. It makes us and, for the over-ardent yet deliciously happy departing soul, it sometimes finishes us too. It is a vast source of global pleasure. Unusually, it even has the pleasing advantage of being relatively inexpensive, since the equipment is free.

All of that said, there are many reasons why you might not wish to actually engage in it. Lovemaking can be a sticky and time-consuming business. Some people might agree with the 1980s singer Boy George, who would rather have a cup of tea. Some may sadly be unable to persuade anyone else to join them in the act of conjugation. However, neither the lack of seductive prowess nor the simple desire to avoid sharing sheets or bodily fluids need prevent you from engaging in that endlessly enjoyable pastime talking about sex.

In fact, abstinence may even afford some kind of advantage: you are less likely to find your life complicated by having to avoid divulging details of sleeping with someone youre not supposed to, or worrying about a curious growth on a part of your anatomy that you cannot mention in polite company. But articulated with panache, theres no better subject than sex with which to hook your audience, and no more diverse and exciting arena in which to profess expertise.

With such a fascinating subject, however, there are going to be those who think they know more than you do. If you are going to outshine them, youll need a generous dose of detail, wit and insight.

This short but definitive guide sets out to lead you through the main danger zones encountered in discussions about sex and to equip you with a vocabulary and evasive technique that will minimise the risk of being rumbled as a bluffer. It will give you a few easy-to-learn tips and techniques that might even allow you to be accepted as a sexual expert of rare ability and experience. But it will do more. It will give you the key to the ultimate bluff: how to impress legions of marvelling listeners with your knowledge and insight without anyone discovering that until you read it you probably didnt know the difference between a Yab Yum and a Yoni. In fact, you will be a respected fount of knowledge about where to put what, commanding the rapt attention of your audience as you gently explain how to do it. You will also come away with intriguing aperus into sexual depravity over the years, the ammunition to describe the perfect seduction, and information to help you avoid the more unpleasant consequences of sexual recklessness.

So good luck and bon voyage. It is going to be something of a ride better, perhaps, than the real thing.

___________

Sophia Loren is also quoted as saying: Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got. A girl after our own heart then.

Gender matters. It is necessary to make quite clear that wherever in this book the bluffer, i.e., you, is referred to as he, it is for reasons of grammatical convenience. It is not for one second designed to be sexist or to suggest that men are more likely than women to be all mouth and no trousers. Not at all.

Da Vinci would undoubtedly have made better use of the navel. Maybe he did. It might explain the smile on the Mona Lisa.

G PS navigation devices are all very well, but they do nothing to help us find our way around the human anatomy. In order to pass yourself off as any kind of sexual expert, an understanding of what connects to what is a prerequisite.

A cursory look at the design and anatomical positioning of the male and female sexual organs shows that when God designed Homo sapiens, aestheticism and ease of access were not high on the job description. The human genitalia are not exactly user-friendly.

It is interesting to speculate how more secular engineers might have tackled the task. Brunel, for example, would have foreseen the mechanical stresses which the males thrusting action places on an already overloaded spinal column.

Da Vinci would undoubtedly have made better use of the navel. Maybe he did. It might explain the smile on the Mona Lisa. Madonna certainly understands its erotic potential, once revealing: When I stick my finger in my belly button, I feel a nerve in the centre of my body shoot up my spine.

THE MALE

THE PENIS

A subject which, for all its gimlet-eyed prominence, not all men get to grips with at least not in a way that can be shared in polite company.

The penis is known by dozens of pseudonyms, none of which is half as funny as the puritanically po-faced word penis itself. It is one of the Creators better jokes that the straggling, fleshy afterthought which hangs from a man like the knotted rubber blow-hole on a half-dead Boxing Day balloon is the tool by which he shall reproduce his own kind.

The human penis is the largest of any living primate and, unlike in the males of certain species such as bears, rats and dogs, has evolved without the need for a strengthening bone. The key to the design is the use of an inflatable bung. Having a dual function is not easy for an organ but the bung makes this possible. Although the flaccid penis is mostly used for urinating, simultaneous ejaculation is highly unlikely because as soon as the male is sexually stimulated the inflatable bung fills up with blood. The organ then expands, stiffens and, as if by magic, the draining mechanism is cut off sustaining the erection such that its original urinary function becomes seriously impaired. In fact, this amazing bioengineering means the penis has its own hydrostatic skeleton a method of support also relied on by lower life forms, such as, erthe garden earthworm.