Stephen Snyder - Love Worth Making

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We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.

WILLIAM JAMES

Tell me about foreplay, I say to the next couple in my office. What kind of foreplay do the two of you enjoy the most?

Well, we kiss, she says. Then I touch him, and he touches me.

Shes obviously speaking in some kind of secret code here. But you get the picture, right? She strokes his penis, and then he does something to her vulva with his hands.

Is this a good idea? Well, that depends. If this couple is riding a wave of ecstasy fueled by erotic touch, then sure. But in that case, chances are they wouldnt be sitting in my office.

More likely, theyre just trying to get the job doneto get him hard and her wet, so they can have sex.

How many couples do it this way when they first fall in love? Not many. When passion is high, no one needs friction to get excited. Hardness and wetness just happen as effortlessly as the blooming of a flower.

Thats the way its supposed to go. The sexual self saying yes, in the only language it knows. Trying to convert a no to a yes by friction alone is like trying to convince a child he likes broccoli.

Forget it. Its not going to work. Friction may get you sex, but never good sex.

As I sit with this couple, I cant help recalling a scene from my suburban childhoodwatching one of the neighborhood dads try to start up his gas lawn mower. You had to pull the cord just right for the engine to start, and this took practice and skill.

I live in Manhattan now where we dont have lawns. But the image is still stuck in my headthe mower, the cord, and the look of frustration on the face of the guy hoping to start the thing up.

I wonder whether this couple is old enough to have ever seen a gas mower.

Look, I say to him. Your wife is not a lawn mower. Its not just a question of pulling the cord right.

They both laugh.

But how do I get her wet? he asks.

Simple. You dont.

He looks at me with curiosity.

Its not your job to get her wet, I say. Just enjoy your own excitement, and let her enjoy hers.

That doesnt sound very romantic.

Its actually much more romantic , if you do it right. And something even more important.

Whats that? he asks.

Its more erotic .

* * *

These are astonishing times for sex. You can find new sex partners on your smartphone in minutes. Pornography is everywhere. And even kids in middle school know that if an erection lasts more than four hours you should call your doctor.

With a click of the mouse you can find new sex positions online, buy the latest vibrator, and learn the names for sex acts your grandparents never knew existed.

But with sex getting all this attention these days, are people feeling any more satisfied in bed?

I doubt it.

They know more sex techniques. And they certainly have more access to sex toys and other forms of erotic novelty. But if my experience is any guide, thats not what most people are really interested in.

What are they really interested in?

Simple:

Theyre interested in relationships . They want to have great sex in a committed relationship. They want sex to be an instrument of sanctification and peace at the center of a loving partnership.

You could look for a long time online and not find any deep secrets for how to do that.

Its no mystery why: The secrets to great sex in a committed relationship are largely emotional. And emotions are slippery thingshard to capture and sometimes even harder to communicate.

You could learn all about the best sex techniques, the latest scientific studies, and the newest kinky ways to stretch your erotic boundaries. But if all you really want to know is how to have great sex with someone you care about, then all the technical expertise, sexual science, and erotic novelty in the world probably arent going to help you very much.

For that, you need something else:

You need to understand sexual feelings. How they operate, what rules they follow, and how they connect to the rest of who you are.

* * *

This is a book about sexual feelings.

Its unabashedly about sexas youll see. But it has much to do with erotic love as well. Its main concerns are more emotional than physical.

This is not a book about how to turn your partner on. Its not about how to give someone the worlds greatest orgasm. Instead, its about coming home to yourself as a sexual person.

You might say its about finding your sexual heart. Once youve found your sexual heart, those other details tend not to matter so much.

Over the last thirty years, Ive treated over fifteen hundred individuals and couples using the methods youre going to read about here. I know this approach helps people. And Im confident that no matter where youre starting from, it can help you connect more deeply with your sexual feelings and enjoy them for life.

This is a book about good sex, bad sex, and great sexfrom someone whos heard his share about all kinds.

In Part I, well consider some of the basic rules for good sex. You might be surprised to find these have nothing to do with hardness, wetness, intercourse, or orgasmalthough those things often go much better if youre paying attention to the rules Im going to tell you about.

Along the way, Ill describe the core attributes of what many people in the sex field call the sexual self. This is an intuitive concept, and is purely subjective. Its not based on any known science. Youll either feel the truth of what Im saying, or you wont.

The rules that I have in mind are exceptionally easy to follow, once you understand them. They all involve staying out of your own way, so your sexual self can do what it knows how to do naturally.

Some of what youll read here will seem familiar. And some will almost certainly surprise you. But Im pretty sure youll come away with a clearer idea of what really matters in lovemakingand how you and the person next to you in bed can get more of the stuff that counts.

The rules of desire are rules of the heart.

Sex is emotion in motion.

MAE WEST

Its a hot summer afternoon on the New York subway. Im bringing my children and a few of their friends back to Manhattan on the B train after a long day at Brighton Beach.

Theres a young couple standing near the exit door sharing an iPod headsettethered together, each with an earpiece in one ear. Shes leaning against the wall, sweat-soaked in a T-shirt and shorts. Hes a few inches shorter, wearing sandals, beach clothes, and long hair. His hands are resting lightly on her hips. Her arms are draped over his shoulders.

They seem entirely absorbed in the music, the motion of the subway car, and each other. Their eyes, half shut, are out of focus, dreamy. Theyre both wearing goofy, crooked smilesas if sharing some silly secret. They look as if they might easily miss their stop.

Amid the noise of the children and the rocking and bouncing of the subway car, it would be easy for this couple to pass unnoticed. But there is something about them that holds my attention. A certain aura.

Its sex, of course.

Their goofy smiles, their dreamy manner. Definitely sex.

Theyre fully clothed, standing up, and doing nothing obviously improper, but definitely enjoying a long moment of arousal on the way home from the beach.