Stephanie K. Wright - Per My Last Email: Witty, Wicked, and Wonderfully Weird Workplace Words and Phrases

INTRODUCTION Words. They are everywhere. Two hundred and seventy-three thousand words populate the English language. Delightful words like fribble and borborygmus . Funky little words like tetchy and quanked . And gloriously pungent words like zounderkite and smellfungus .

And yet, we all seem to be at a loss for words. Quality words, that is. We are talking ourselves senseless on social media. Barely listening to each other drone on and on in endless meetings. And glossing over tediously repetitive emails. and over. and over.

Especially at work. But theres hope. This book will help you become the master of inventive autoreply emails. Help you find lively alternatives for looking forward or my plate is full. Provide twenty new words to snark at your coworkers or if youre feeling magnanimous there are almost as many compliments. Calling in sick? Theres a collection of obscure words to explain how you feel.

How about a passel of new words to help you simply say, No? Let us answer the call to put some heart back into our words. To strike down dead metaphors and laugh in the face of frazzled phrases. To bend vocabulary to our every whim. Turn the page. Its time to sparkle like the shiny ball of clever that you are. PER MY LAST EMAIL DISCLAIMER: No words were harmed in the making of this book.

There have been no amputations, no alterations, no fabrications, and certainly no portmanteaus like staycation or flustrated . All words in this book are real and exist in one legitimate dictionary or another. Many were found in the dark recesses of dusty books and had to be patiently coaxed back into the sunlight. Any relation to words created from a secret language you made up as a kid is purely coincidental. THIS IS YOUR APERU

Care for a glimpse into the soul of this tiny world of wonderous words? This section was named an aperu to pique your interest. Because, frankly, who reads a Table of Contents anymore? In fact, youve probably skipped over it and already memorized five new words for calling in sick.

But just in case your eyes are still traveling down this sentence, do enjoy the spoilers ahead. Are We Convoking Again? Sneaky ways to coax your coworkers into attending what might possibly be a more effective meeting than most. Hey, one can dream.

• Your Daily 10:00 a.m. Black Hole
• You Are Cordially Not Invited

A Brave New World How a few keen words can get you out of any video-conferencing scrape.

• Why Hello There! Entertaining Hallway Howdys
• More Than Fine: Upending the Formulaic One-Word Response to How Are You?

Life in Workville Because reality.

• Losing Your Mind: Feeling Frazzled Never Sounded so Clever
• Bees & Beavers: Never Not Busy
• Whinging On: A Most Excellent Coping Mechanism

Just. Not. Feeling. It. It.

Fresh ways to call in sick or express dwall. You know, for a friend...

• Personal Days: A Little Piece of Heaven
• My Soul Mate Is a Sloth

A Blue Streak Mostly clever ways to swear out loud at work. About Those Emails... You, too, can turn expected, stale email phrases and autoreplies into slightly more interesting offerings that are still, sadly, work appropriate.

• Tick Tock, People
• Lets Play the Quiet Game
• On. My. Last. Last.

  Nerve.

Okay, Maybe Im a Some-People Kind of People Person And sometimes, folks deserve a little extra love.

• Hardworking
• Gold Star for You
• I Do Like You

Powerful Stuff Words that help get you what you want.

• Use Your Outside Voice
• Just Say No: Its a Beautiful Thing
• Im Out: Resigning with Panache

Someone Call HR Because, cmon, you know this crap is wildly inappropriate. Sneezing with Your Eyes Open Its not possible to do the impossible. No matter what that inspirational poster hanging in HR claims. Retirement Party Are you showing your age? Lets just freshen up your vocabulary.

ARE WE CONVOKING AGAIN?!

Meetings. The Corporate Worlds answer to the Old Worlds pits of despair. YOUR DAILY 10:00 a.m. BLACK HOLE Meetings are the megalithic time sucks of the work world. Many are unnecessary and most are absurdly long. But since you cant get out of themhow about making the scheduling of them a tad more entertaining? Constellate form or cause to form into a cluster or group; gather together People of marketing! It is time to constellate to interview brand mascots! Muster assemble, especially for inspection or in preparation for battle Has the writing team mustered , or are they still hovering over their morning coffee? Congregate gather into a crowd or mass All department heads, its time to congregate in Conference Room C for the quarterly budget review.

Stale croissants will be paired with an equally stale PowerPoint presentation. Convene come or bring together for a meeting or activity Lets all convene in Kevins office at 12:30 p.m. to rant about the ludicrous new kitchen cleaning policy. Bring lunchand an attitude. Convoke call together; summon to meet or assemble Last week, the legal team convoked to discuss our next steps in resolving the Ward lawsuit. We will be convoking in ten minutes to follow up on those action items.

And to eat pizza. Were going to need lots of pizza. Assemble to gather people, other living creatures, or objects together in one particular place; yep, just like the Avengers Colleagues, assemble! Foregather assemble or gather together Kim, please work to foregather Team Possible to review the new language manuals. Summon order someone to be present; for those days when you are feeling particularly imperious The entire office has been summoned to the auditorium to meet our new mascot, Wonder Cat. See you in five! Getred the state of being together; an assembling of people or animals You are invited to next Wednesdays mandatory getred where we will be reviewing new office protocols. Bring your patience.

Klatch or Klatsch a casual gathering of people, especially for refreshments and informal conversation (sounds rather pleasant, doesnt it?) Come join us for a brown bag lunch klatch today to run through the new video edits. Coterie a close-knit group of people, who share a particular interest, goal, or mission; think Swifties Tonight the IT group is hosting this months sci-fi trivia coterie in the main lobby. Parley a discussion or conference; the word can also refer to a meeting of enemies under a truce, but lets stick to the first definition Who would like to join the parley over the new uniform designs? Boodle a crowd of people We are pulling together a boodle to discuss the next big thing. See you at 3:00 p.m.! Galaxy a large number of famous people gathered together; think the Oscars or the Chelsea Hotel Marketing is meeting with a galaxy of social influencers, so were reserving the top floor conference suites for them. Scrum a confused crowd of people pressed close together in an effort to get something or speak to someone There will be enough unicorn plushies for everyone after the product demonstration.

YOU ARE CORDIALLY NOT INVITED Looking to make meetings more productive? Or at least less tedious? You could announce that the following eye rollinducing behaviors are simply not welcome.