Jen Winston - Greedy: Notes from a Bisexual Who Wants Too Much

Greedy: Notes from a Bisexual Who Wants Too Much

Jen Winston

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Copyright 2021 by Jennifer M. Winston

Certain names and identifying details have been changed. Digital content such as texts and emails have been re-created with creative license.

Parts of Crush on a Couple were previously published in a different form on MarieClaire.com.

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First Atria Paperback edition October 2021

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Interior design by Lexy Alemao

Cover design by Rodrigo Corral

Author photograph Landon Speers

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021943024

ISBN 978-1-9821-7917-5

ISBN 978-1-9821-7918-2 (ebook)

To my parents, who promised they wouldnt read this

I have nothing to say and I am saying it and that is poetry as I need it.

J OHN C AGE

When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

B O J ACK H ORSEMAN
Season 2 Episode 10

This book contains subject matter pertaining to sexual assault, mental health, biphobia, homophobia, the gender binary, fatphobia, ableism, and racism/white supremacy.

There are no closer shelves in the bookstore than Dating and Horror.

YOURE TOPLESS, PICKING a zit in the mirror, when a man on a dating app sends you the word Hi.

You scoff. Hi barely warrants a notification; it hardly even counts as a text. Some people dont respond to openers like this, refusing to expend energy on someone who hasnt prioritized them. Those people have self-respect. They put themselves first. You desperately want to be one of those people.

You decide to ignore him. Its a good decision, one that gets you closer to your ideal version of yourself. Youre a modern woman who knows her worth and acts accordinglyyoull only accept suitors if they shower you with attention (read: random CashApps) and gifts (read: memes about Ted Cruz). Besides, right now youve got better things to do than write backthat whitehead isnt going to pop itself.

But minutes later, your phone dings again.

Ghosting me? After I used my best pickup line?

An annoyingly strong follow-up. It might be his go-tocopy-pastedbut you cant bring yourself to care. Interest piqued, you look at his profile and immediately catch yourself vouching for his character. No shirtless pics? He must be a feminist. Holding a dog? Its probably a rescue. You click to his Instagram to search for a problem, but discover he has good taste in books and dresses like Harry Styles. Fuckyoure in love.

You type: Sorry for delay, was busy flirting with a guy who said hello

He responds: That dude again? Damn, he always wins

You: Five whole letterstough competition

Him: Can I redeem myself by complimenting your nails in that first pic?

You: Its a start

He soon suggests dinner (one step above drinks because bitch, youre worth it). But your skepticism returns, this time for a different reason: You promised yourself youd stop dating men.

You recently came out as bisexual to your friends, family, and Instagram followers, and the shiny new label still hangs over your head. You know you should be living your fabulous queer truthnot going on more mediocre dates with guys who will inevitably disappear. Sure, bisexuality means said queer truth can still encompass men, but lets be real: If you keep hooking up with dudes, no one will believe youre queer (least of all yourself).

Youd hoped announcing your sexuality on Instagram might help you stumble into a queer relationshipmaybe prospective lovers would throw themselves at you, like some multigender version of The Bachelorette. A few people did slide into your DMs, but most were sleazy cis men masking their fetishization as support: Congrats!!! I love bi girls btw Though you cringed, part of you did admire their straightforwardness. Coming out as bi was intimidating, but coming out as lonely? Terrifying.

Recently you saw a post that said I LIKE ALL GENDERS BUT IM ALL BI MYSELF and commented, wish I could like this twice! You put off coming out because you thought no one would care, but as it turns out, plenty of people do care, just not in the way youd hoped. You notice that lesbians in particular tend to carry their bias quietly, losing interest especially fast. No matter how good the banter is, if you use the b-word, theyll drop the convo two texts down.

Interestingly, though, your bisexuality has barely influenced the app scene with men. There life is simpleif you tell a guy about it, he typically says hot or sick or nothing at all. These low-maintenance convos keep you coming back, an addictive combination of familiar and disappointing. You act unfazed, like theyre all beneath you, but you know men are the romantic equivalent of shishito peppersone out of every twelve will fuck you up.

You stare at your phone, weighing your options, trying to decide whether this guy is worth your time. Then you say fuck itmaybe men arent so bad. After all, the devil you know.

At dinner youre late and hes early, just the way you like it. You meet outside the restaurant while its still light outhes resting against a mailbox that comes up to his hips and you realize hes tall. You wish superficial things like height didnt affect you, but alasyour body registers him as Hot and a pang of longing inflates your chest. Before you can stop it youre imagining your future together, the two of you weekending in the Hudson Valley, navigating the bathroom acoustics of a tiny Airbnb.

Back in reality youre waiting in lineno New Yorker takes a brisk July night for granted, so the hostess warns the whole queue that the roof is already packed. But your date and his linen shirt have a plan: He steps to the front and leans onto the lectern, cracking jokes and touching the hostesss arm. This bothers you until it worksshe leads you both upstairs, weaving through the crowd, dropping you off at the four-top shes managed to spare.

After you sit, your date reveals he doesnt drink, and you graciously respond that youll limit yourself to three. Apparently he doesnt need alcohol to monologuehe talks first and goes on forever, using plenty of ten-dollar words like loquacious and capitulate. An English instructor once scolded you for writing equally pretentious dialogue, saying, No one actually talks like that. No one, meet Jen.