Laura Peyton Roberts - The Queen of Second Place

Table of Contents

For Lindsay, Megan, Renee, and Chelsea,
my favorite teenage girls

And for Dick,
whose support and sense of humor
make writing for them possible

Detention Essay #6 Mrs. Conway

My Personal Philosophy of Talent by Cassie Howard

I have this theory that everybody has a talent. Rich, poor, cluelessit doesnt matter. I honestly believe that every human being on earth is born with one special gift. The problem is, not all talents are created equal.

People think that talent means you sing, or dance, or act. But those are the glory talents, the ones that everyone wants, and for every diva out there, about a million other people are walking around with one of the lesser talents, the kind that dont get their own videos.

This guy I know, Fitz, his talent is always choosing the longest linenot the one that looks the longest, the one that takes the longest. There can be twenty people in one line and two in the other, and if Fitz gets in the two-person line, thats all its going to take. Say hes at the storethe cash register will break. When they finally get it running again, the person first in line will want to use about five hundred coupons. Then the next guy will try to write a check with no ID and the cashier will call the manager but no one will be able to find him because hes on a break and... you get the idea. Fitzs is definitely not the kind of talent youd love to have, but maybe it will come in handy if he ever has to choose a line for something bad. Like a firing squad.

This other guy I knowactually, we used to kind of go out, but thats another storyhis talent is finding parking. Theres no place too popular, no lot too crowded. Quentin parks in front at school, at the beach, at the movies. If the hottest band in the country were playing a free concert somewhere with only a hundred spaces, Quentin would get there ten minutes before the group went on and still get a place right in front. His theory is that other people dont believe there will be a good space left, so they dont look. Mine is that parking is that guys gift.

Which brings us to me, I guess. I have a talent too, and its definitely not of the glory variety. My talent is coming in second.

I am the Queen of Second Place, the poster child for close-but-not-close-enough. And Im not saying that to make you feel sorry for mealthough, you know... feel free, if it helps. I swear its completely true.

I have a drawer full of second-place ribbonsfor the science fair, for youth soccer, for a three-legged race I entered at camp. And unfortunately, my deal doesnt end with contests. I take second place in everything, in every little aspect of life.

In eighth grade I had hair past my waistso long I could practically sit on it. It would have been the longest hair in school, except that Amber Brooks could sit on hers. So last year I cut it, and I mean really cut it. The stylist only left these spiky little tufts. The first day I went to school like that, Kirsten Kirk came in with a buzz cut. You could see the girls scalp. And in case you dont think hairs such a good example, believe me, Ive got others. Its just that some of them get pretty personal, and anyway the bell is going to ring... right... now!

Welcome to My Nightmare

Hayley was waiting for me when I got out of detention. I had writers cramp from my middle finger to my elbow and Id been concentrating so hard I felt like Id been breathing underwater, but I still couldnt wait to tell her what Id been up to.

Get this! I said. I had to write an essay about talent!

Youre kidding me. Hayley shook her head, her scores of tight bouncy ringlets barely brushing her shoulders. We were both going through kind of a tufty thing last yearthe difference is, her hair looks good now. You didnt give Conway the theory?

Of course. What else?

Hayley knows the theory. In fact, shes intimately familiar with it, since shes been my best friend, like, forever. And in case youre wondering, Hayleys talent is whistling. Again, not in the glory category, but Ive at least seen whistling in videos. Luckily for Hayley, shes so smart shell never have to rely on talent. The girl gets solid As. I get mostlyyou guessed itBs.

That ought to be good for another ten weeks of detention, she said.

What? Oh! I didnt tell Conway her talent. I may be dumb, but Im not stupid.

Youre not dumb, either, Hayley told me loyally.

You can see why I love her, but getting detention was pretty dumb. Even if it wasnt my fault. Exactly. Even if the forces that conspired against me were so far beyond my control that I was practically their sock puppet. Even if it ought to be someone else sitting in that absurdly hard chair every afternoon writing Conways essays instead of me.

Because I have excuses, believe me. I could make any sane personwhich obviously excludes Conwaysee my side in less than five minutes.

You know, now that Im thinking about it, Im not dumb for getting detention.

Im dumb because Id do it again.

Oops. Backing Up Now.

You know what I just realized? You dont have the first clue what Im talking about. I mean, hopefully youve deduced that Hayley is the perfect friend while Mrs. Conway takes all the fun out of being a sophomore, but you still dont know what happened. You cant begin to comprehend how the fabric of my previously ordinary life has unraveled to the point that Im dodging around school wearing sunglasses and a ski cap, counting the days until graduation lets me sink into oblivion. Unfortunately, there are seven months, a summer, and two whole school years left before that happens.

But I digress. I still havent even mentioned Fourteen-Karat Carter. Probably because even thinking about that phony, scheming soc makes me want to hurl. If there were any way to leave her out of this story, youd better believe Id take it. Seriously, Id pay to take it. Maybe its true that we dont always get to pick our friends, but we never pick our enemies. They just kind of find us somehow.

Fourteen-Karat Carter found me in the lunch line the fall of our freshman year.

Geez la-weez, she announced from behind me, in the loudest possible voice. They ought to make people get a license before they sell them Sun-In.

My hair was still long then, and the sad truth is I had gotten carried away with Sun-In over the summer. Anyone with truly red hair should be automatically forgiven for anything they do to it anyway, but the roots I had going by October were seriously noticeable. The strawberry blond Id been trying for had come out brassy orange, and my new growth looked almost brown in comparison. My mom wouldnt take me to a salon to have it fixed because shed told me not to mess with my hair in the first place, and being a lawyer and all, shes big on crime and punishment. My friends said it didnt look that bad.

Fourteen-Karat Carter said, You take carrottop a whole new place.

Then she tossed her perfect blond mane, rolled her blue eyes, and cut right in front of me, her short, preppy skirt twitching across her perfect behind. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, completely without a come-back. I didnt even know who she was yet, but that was the moment I knew I hated her and that Id hate her the rest of my life.

Who is that? I whispered to Hayley. And how can we kill her with no one finding out?

Sterling Carter, Hayley whispered back. Shes in my Spanish One class, and so far all the guys have learned to say is