Bonnie Burton - Girls Against Girls: Why We Are Mean to Each Other and How We Can Change

When I was suffering through school, I distinctly remember the unspoken politics of being a girl. You could be making plans with your best friend one week and being given the silent treatment the next. Or some girl you dont even know might make you the victim of a terrible rumor for no reason at all. I went through all of this, like everyone else.

I remember lots of awful things that happened to me. Once, one of my best pals started a rumor that I was planning to steal another girls boyfriend, and suddenly people I didnt even know were staring me down. It took what seemed like forever for the truth to dismantle that lie, and I never knew why she started it in the first place. I also remember times when I was on the ipside like when I was angry with a friend for ditching me at the mall, so I commented to a known gossiper that she was caught shoplifting. In a heartbeat, I ruined her rep just as that previous friend had ruined mine.

Thats why this book is so important. Its the kind of book I wish I had back then a manual for figuring out why we do the cruel things we do to each other. It also explains that we all have the ability to choose whether we want to be destructive or supportive. Sure, girls and women can be mean and spiteful. But we can also be positive, compassionate, and downright cool! Shouldnt we choose to be the latter?

Writing this book and interviewing the amazing artists and athletes who are quoted inside cemented for me how awesome all of us girls really are. I hope that reading it will leave you feeling as inspired as I felt after writing it.

Bonnie Burton, author www.grrl.com

WHY

We Hurt

Each Other

Y ouve seen it in school, at camp, at home, and at your part-time job. We girls can be cruel. While most of us dont resort to slugging it out in the hallway or schoolyard, many of us do go for sneakier and more drawn-out types of infighting like mind games, gossip, and rumor spreading. It happens so much that expressions like Girls are mean are favorites among our parents, brothers, and even ourselves.

Psychologists even have a name for the way we engage in emotional warfare: relational aggression. And unlike physical violence thats easy to spot, this type of girl drama can stay way below the radar. So parents and teachers often dont even see it happening and, if they do, dont take it seriously. Sometimes the girls who are psychologically beating up other girls dont even realize that they are, in fact, doing it.

You have probably been a victim and a perpetrator. We all have. So the big question is: Why do we do it? Just like with anything, we have to understand the problem before we can find the solution. On the following pages are some theories about why we fight the way we do.

theory ITS BIOLOGICAL

According to a number of scientists, some of our fighting is due to the way we are wired.

Research has shown that the differences between womens and mens brains are very real, and that womens brains are much more complex than mens. Many scientists say that women, in general, are more communicative than men, have better facility with language, are more in tune with their emotions, have a stronger ability to sustain deep friendships, and have a better memory. These brain differences account for why women are so good at recognizing the emotions of others (Honey, whats wrong?) and also for remembering every detail of an argument forever (You said I was fat, and you said it at precisely 8:15 pm on Friday night while you were wearing that ugly blue shirt with pinstripes).

Meanwhile, scientists say that boys cannot easily sense when someone is annoyed or upset with them or even remember what yesterdays fight was about, while girls are so in tune with everything going on around them that they observe and notice