Anonymous - Go Ask Alice

If you purchased this book without a cover you should be aware that this book is stolen property. It was reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the publisher and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this "stripped book."

First paperback edition March 1998

Go Ask Alice taken from "White Rabbit," written by Grace Slick. Copyright 1967. Irving Music. Inc. Copper Penny Music Publishing Co., by permission, all rights reserved.

Go Ask Alice Author anonymous

Copyright 1971 by Simon & Schuster Inc.

Simon Pulse

An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing Division

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

Also available in a Simon & Schuster Books for

Young Readers hardcover edition.

Printed and bound in the United States of America

20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12

The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number-. 74-159446

ISBN 0-671-66458-1 (hc)

ISBN 0-60-81785-1 (Pulse pbk.)

Go Ask Alice is based on the actual diary of a fifteen-year-old drug user.

It is not a definitive statement on the middle-class, teenage drug world. It does not offer any solutions.

It is, however, a highly personal and specific chronicle. As such, we hope it will provide insights into the increasingly complicated world in which we live.

Names, dates, places and certain events have been changed in accordance with the wishes of those concerned.

The Editors.

September 16

Yesterday I remember thinking I was the happiest person in the whole earth, in the whole galaxy, in all of God's creation. Could that only have been yesterday or was it endless light-years ago? I was thinking that the grass had never smelled grassier, the sky had never seemed so high. Now it's all smashed down upon my head and I wish I could just melt into the blaaaa-ness of the universe and cease to exist. Oh, why, why, why can't I? How can I face Sharon and Debbie and the rest of the kids? How can I? By now the word has gotten around the whole school, I know it has! Yesterday I bought this diary because I thought at last I'd have something wonderful and great and worthwhile to say, something so personal that I wouldn't be able to share it with another living person, only myself. Now like everything else in my life, it has become so much nothing.

I really don't understand how Roger could have done this to me when I have loved him for as long as I can remember and I have waited all my life for him to see me. Yesterday when he asked me out I thought I'd literally and completely die with happiness. I really did! And now the whole world is cold and gray and unfeeling and my mother is nagging me to clean up my room. How can she nag me to clean up my room when I feel like dying? Can't I even have the privacy of my own soul?

Diary, you'll have to wait until tomorrow or I'll have to go through the long lecture again about my attitude and my immaturity. See ya.

September 17

School was a nightmare. I was afraid I'd see Roger every time I turned a corner in the hall, yet I was desperate for fear I wouldn't see him. I kept telling myself. "Maybe something went wrong and he'll explain." At lunch I had to tell the girls about his not showing. I pretended I didn't care, but oh. Diary, I do! I care so much I feel that my whole insides have shattered. How is it possible for me to be so miserable and embarrassed and humiliated and beaten and still function, still talk and smile and concentrate? How could Roger have done this to me? I wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone in this whole world. I wouldn't hurt them physically or emotionally, how then can people so consistently do it to me? Even my parents treat me like I'm stupid and inferior and ever short. I guess I'll never measure up to anyone's expectations. I surely don't measure up to what I'd like to be.

September 19

Dad's birthday. Not much.

September 20

It's my birthday. I'm 15. Nothing.

September 25

Dear Diary,

I haven't written for about a week because nothing of interest has happened. The same old dumb teachers teaching the same old dumb subjects in the same dumb school. I seem to be kind of losing interest in everything. At first I thought high school would be fun but it's just dull. Everything's dull. Maybe it's just because I'm growing up and life is becoming more blase. Julie Brown had a party but I didn't go. I've put on seven ugly, fat, sloppy, slobby pounds and I don't have anything I can wear. I'm beginning to look as slobby as I feel.

September 30

Wonderful news, Diary! We're moving. Daddy has been invited to become the Dean of

Political Science at. Isn't that exciting! Maybe it will be like it was when I was younger. Maybe again he'll teach in Europe every summer and we'll go with him like we used to. Oh those were the fun, fun times! I'm going to start on a diet this very day. I will be a positively different person by the time we get to our new home. Not one more bite of chocolate or nary a french fried potato will pass my lips till I've lost ten globby pounds of lumpy lard. And I'm going to make a completely new wardrobe. Who cares about Ridiculous Roger? Confidentially, Diary, I still care. I guess I'll always love him, but maybe just before we leave and I'm thin and my skin is absolutely flawless and petal smooth and clear, and I have clothes like a fashion model he'll ask me for another date. Shall I turn him down or stand him up or will II'm afraid I willweaken and go out with him?

Oh please, Diary, help me to be strong and consistent. Help me to exercise every morning and night and clean my skin and eat right and be optimistic and agreeable and positive and cheerful. I want so much to be someone important, or even just asked out by a boy every once in a while. Maybe the new me will be different.

October 10 Dear Diary,

I've lost three pounds and we're busy getting sort of semi-organized to move. Our house is up for sale, and Mom and Dad have gone to look for a place in. I'm staying here with Tim and Alexandria, and as much as you'll be surprised, they don't even bug me. We're all excited about moving and they do whatever I tell them about helping with the house and meals and suchwell, almost. I guess Dad will be taking over the new position at mid-term. He's as excited as a little boy and it's kind of like old times. We sit around the table and laugh and joke and make plans together. It's great! Tim and Alex insist they have to take all their toys and junk. Personally I'd like to get a whole new everything, except my books of course, they are part of my life. When I was hit by a car in the fifth grade and was in a cast for such a long time, I'd have died without them Even now I'm not really sure which parts of myself are real and which parts are things I've gotten from books. But anyway it's great! Life is positively great and wonderful and exciting, and I can't wait to see what's behind the next corner and all the corners after that.

October 16

Mom and Dad came back today. Hooray, we have a house! It's a large old Spanish-style house which Mom loves. I can't wait to move! I can't wait! I can't wait! They took pictures which will be back in three or four days. I can't wait, I can't wait, or have I said that a million times before?