Beatrice Sparks - Go Ask Alice

Go Ask Alice is based on the actual diary of a fifteen-year-old drug user.

It is not a definitive statement on the middle-class, teenage drug world. It does not offer any solutions.

It is, however, a highly personal and specific chronicle. As such, we hope it will provide insights into the increasingly complicated world in which we live.

Names, dates, places and certain events have been changed in accordance with the wishes of those concerned.

Yesterday I remember thinking I was the happiest person in the whole earth, in the whole galaxy, in all of Gods creation. Could that only have been yesterday or was it endless light-years ago? I was thinking that the grass had never smelled grassier, the sky had never seemed so high. Now its all smashed down upon my head and I wish I could just melt into the blaaaa-ness of the universe and cease to exist. Oh, why, why, why cant I? How can I face Sharon and Debbie and the rest of the kids? How can I? By now the word has gotten around the whole school, I know it has! Yesterday I bought this diary because I thought at last Id have something wonderful and great and worthwhile to say, something so personal that I wouldnt be able to share it with another living person, only myself. Now like everything else in my life, it has become so much nothing.

I really dont understand how Roger could have done this to me when I have loved him for as long as I can remember and I have waited all my life for him to see me. Yesterday when he asked me out I thought Id literally and completely die with happiness. I really did! And now the whole world is cold and gray and unfeeling and my mother is nagging me to clean up my room. How can she nag me to clean up my room when I feel like dying? Cant I even have the privacy of my own soul?

Diary, youll have to wait until tomorrow or Ill have to go through the long lecture again about my attitude and my immaturity. See ya.

School was a nightmare. I was afraid Id see Roger every time I turned a corner in the hall, yet I was desperate for fear I wouldnt see him. I kept telling myself. Maybe something went wrong and hell explain. At lunch I had to tell the girls about his not showing. I pretended I didnt care, but oh. Diary, I do! I care so much I feel that my whole insides have shattered. How is it possible for me to be so miserable and embarrassed and humiliated and beaten and still function, still talk and smile and concentrate? How could Roger have done this to me? I wouldnt intentionally hurt anyone in this whole world. I wouldnt hurt them physically or emotionally, how then can people so consistently do it to me? Even my parents treat me like Im stupid and inferior and ever short. I guess Ill never measure up to anyones expectations. I surely dont measure up to what Id like to be.

Dads birthday. Not much.

Its my birthday. Im 15. Nothing.

Dear Diary,

I havent written for about a week because nothing of interest has happened. The same old dumb teachers teaching the same old dumb subjects in the same dumb school. I seem to be kind of losing interest in everything. At first I thought high school would be fun but its just dull. Everythings dull. Maybe its just because Im growing up and life is becoming more blase. Julie Brown had a party but I didnt go. Ive put on seven ugly, fat, sloppy, slobby pounds and I dont have anything I can wear. Im beginning to look as slobby as I feel.

Wonderful news, Diary! Were moving. Daddy has been invited to become the Dean of

Political Science at . Isnt that exciting! Maybe it will be like it was when I was younger. Maybe again hell teach in Europe every summer and well go with him like we used to. Oh those were the fun, fun times! Im going to start on a diet this very day. I will be a positively different person by the time we get to our new home. Not one more bite of chocolate or nary a french fried potato will pass my lips till Ive lost ten globby pounds of lumpy lard. And Im going to make a completely new wardrobe. Who cares about Ridiculous Roger? Confidentially, Diary, I still care. I guess Ill always love him, but maybe just before we leave and Im thin and my skin is absolutely flawless and petal smooth and clear, and I have clothes like a fashion model hell ask me for another date. Shall I turn him down or stand him up or will IIm afraid I willweaken and go out with him?

Oh please, Diary, help me to be strong and consistent. Help me to exercise every morning and night and clean my skin and eat right and be optimistic and agreeable and positive and cheerful. I want so much to be someone important, or even just asked out by a boy every once in a while. Maybe the new me will be different.

Dear Diary,

Ive lost three pounds and were busy getting sort of semi-organized to move. Our house is up for sale, and Mom and Dad have gone to look for a place in . Im staying here with Tim and Alexandria, and as much as youll be surprised, they dont even bug me. Were all excited about moving and they do whatever I tell them about helping with the house and meals and suchwell, almost. I guess Dad will be taking over the new position at mid-term. Hes as excited as a little boy and its kind of like old times. We sit around the table and laugh and joke and make plans together. Its great! Tim and Alex insist they have to take all their toys and junk. Personally Id like to get a whole new everything, except my books of course, they are part of my life. When I was hit by a car in the fifth grade and was in a cast for such a long time, Id have died without them Even now Im not really sure which parts of myself are real and which parts are things Ive gotten from books. But anyway its great! Life is positively great and wonderful and exciting, and I cant wait to see whats behind the next corner and all the corners after that.

Mom and Dad came back today. Hooray, we have a house! Its a large old Spanish-style house which Mom loves. I cant wait to move! I cant wait! I cant wait! They took pictures which will be back in three or four days. I cant wait, I cant wait, or have I said that a million times before?

Even school is exciting again. I got an A on my algebra paper and everything else is going A and B too. Algebra is the worst. If I can pass that I guess I can do anything! Usually Im lucky to get a C, even when I kill myself. Isnt it funny, but it seems that when something is going good, everything else goes good too. Im even getting along better with Mom. She doesnt seem to nag at me so much anymore. I cant figure out which one of us has changedI really cant. Am I being more whatever it is she wants me to be so she doesnt have to always be on my back or is it she is less demanding?

I even saw Roger in the hall and couldnt have cared less. He said hi to me and stopped to talk, but I just walked on by. Hes not going to drop me on my head again! Gee, only a little over three months!

Scott Lossee asked me to go to the movies Friday. Ive lost ten pounds. Im down to a hundred and fifteen which is all right, but Id still like to lose another ten pounds. Mom says I dont want to get that thin, but she doesnt know! I do! I do! I do! I havent had one goodie for so long Ive almost forgotten what they taste like. Maybe Friday night Ill go on a binge and eat a few french fries ummmmmmm

The movie was fun with Scott. We went out after and I ate six wonderful, delicious, mouth-watering, delectable, heavenly french fries. That was really living in itself! I dont feel about Scott like I used to about Roger. I guess that was my one and only true love, but Im glad its over. Imagine me in my first year of high school and barely fifteen and the one and only great love of my life is over. It seems kind of tragic in a way. Maybe someday when were both in college well meet again. I hope so. I really do hope so. Last summer at Marion Hills slumber party someone brought in a Playboy magazine with a story in it about a girl sleeping with a boy for the first time and all I could think about was Roger. I dont ever want to have sex with any other boy in the whole world ever ever I swear Ill die a virgin if Roger and I dont get together. I couldnt stand to ever have any other boy even touch me. Im not even sure about Roger. Maybe later when Im older Ill feel differently. Mother says that as girls get older, hormones invade our bloodstream making our sexual desires greater. I guess Im just developing slowly. Ive heard some pretty wild stories about some of the kids at school, but Im not them, Im me, and besides, sex seems so strange and so inconvenient, and so awkward.