K. E. Flann - How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters

FOLK WISDOM HAS it that humans are more afraid of you than you are of them. However, todays supernatural, mutant, cyber, and exceptionally large beings or swarms face a different population of humans than their forebears did. Humans have been around for 200,000 years, getting in the way of agendas, taking up space, and being delicious. Its not that they were ever painless to ignore, dispatch, or consume. But with the advent of the internet and other technologies, they now know all your personal details, even if theyve never encountered you. They devour books, TV, movies, and internet memes about you at ever-increasing rates, in between searches for the cost of a vasectomy in Utah and a virtual dog training meetup. They have access to information in the manner of a hive mind. Lets say you can only be killed by a rare weapon found in the Amazonthis once meant a human would need to go on a long quest to procure the thing that could kill you. Today, that human has already ordered it on Amazon and its being overnighted to their doorstep. If the past 50 years have taught us anything, its that humans are neither an easy lunch nor a simple obstacle to world domination.

While all humans have the potential for aggression, they can be especially dangerous when they defend their young, their stuff, and their Chevrolet Equinoxes with front-wheel drive and split-folding rear seatbacks. Victims of human attacks often watch their compatriots maimed or bludgeoned before they meet their own ends. For humans, it isnt enough to ward you off, or even to kill you. They are compelled to decimate your kind completely with unmitigated violence that ends only after a wild spray of green or red blood or operating fluid. To add insult to these injuries, they are known to hurl snarky comments and bad puns while theyre doing it. For example, if youre a giant bee, they might impale you and exclaim, Ooh, thats gonna sting! Human remarks can be unbelievably gauche.

Those that survive these attacks carry scars that tell the tales: the jagged edge of a near-decapitation, clogged poison glands, a harpoon lodged in the motherboard. And lets not overlook the invisible scars wrought by human toxicitynotably, chronic stress that may lead to self-destructive rampages through towns or kingdoms.

How to Survive a Human Attack is the only how-to guide written especially for humans likely targets. Here youll find vital lessons that will help you anticipate the myriad ways they attack. Did you know, for example, that youre 300 times more likely to die if you show an interest in a humans lover, snack on a humans feline companion, or inadvertently crush a macaroni craft a child made at day camp for the gifted? You may feel tempted to invite the humans to your home for a meal, as it provides the chance to smell their hair and imprint their scent. But dont! It will make you 28 percent more likely to be gored by a candelabrum.

This guide features sections tailored to each supernatural, mutant, cyber, or exceptionally large being or swarms needs. You have important business to conduct (eating, dominating, etc.), and your time is precious. Moreover, you may have no eyes, exceptionally large eyes, or eyes suited for night vision. Youll be able to flip or claw to the appropriate page and find whats germane to you and your kind. While youve been known to enjoy excess, its rarely with verbiage. This guide understands that. Get in and get out. Thats advice that never goes out of style.

WARNING

The audience for this guide is implicit in its title. Please take care not to leave it lying around. Humans already imagine themselves as the center of the universe. According to them, all other creatures, whether supernatural or otherworldly, think about humans 24 hours a day. People regard themselves as objects of obsession, a perception that leaves them no choice except to exterminate the species that is fixating on them.

If humans could assess this perception rationally, theyd see how nonsensical it is. For example, lets imagine that a person enjoys the occasional slice of fruit pie. It doesnt follow that rhubarb occupies every thought and motivates every decision. The same holds true for those who happen to enjoy a Homo sapiens diet. There are plenty of other preoccupations to fill ones days, such as tidying up the breeding ground, picking up swamplings from the grandsires, and regurgitating jewelry. Still, this guide could unintentionally validate this narcissism and precipitate more stabbing, dousing, or flamethrowing.

In addition, the informative content of How to Survive a Human Attack will be attractive to them. As weve discussed, they are increasingly savvy, and they may use insights they glean from these pages to carry out ill intent.

Nevertheless, with precaution, many souls can be saved. And many of the soul-less, as well. On public transportation, consider hiding this books cover behind another, such as