Florence Falk - On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone

Contents

For my mother Pauline, my granddaughter Juliet, and the wonderful women in my family

WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
Complete sovereignty over her body, mind, spirit, and soul, as well as the sanction and protection by the body politic of which she is a part of her life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, including the full measure of freedom and safety to pursue her life as she sees fit and the right to complete gender equality regarding access to, and movement in and through, public and domestic space and the redress of any and all grievances that interfere with or inhibit such freedom.

THE AUTHOR

Part I

THE MANY FACES OF ALONENESS

Chapter One

IF I AM A WOMAN ALONE, WHO AM I?

I ts January and breath-stopping cold, the kind of weather Lisas Nordic blood thrives on. But today the tonic isnt working. Instead of her usual robust glow, Lisa looks wilted and solitary, as if she had rushed to get to a party only to find it was over. And in a way, this is true.

Four years after meeting at the hip downtown cabaret Joes Pub and falling instantly in love, Lisa and Sam agreed to separate. The decision seemed to happen of its own accord, oozing out of their apathy like the insides of an egg from a cracked shell, and they were too battle-fatigued to bother cleaning up the mess.

Lisa used to say that in meeting Sam she had come as close as she could imagine to finding the right person for herself. Sam was a freelance journalist. Lisa thought he was the smartest, most exciting man she had ever met. I fell in love not only with his mind but with his sexy bearishnesseven his chipped tooth turned me on. She loved that he was left-handed and had a husky voice, the way he howled when they made love, how his body smelled. She marveled at his boundless energy, unfettered imagination, and a steady-handed discipline that allowed him to read an entire book or draft an article in one sitting. Above all, she loved that they were not only lovers but each others closest friend, often acting less like adults than five-year-olds, playing together in their own hermetic world, as if the one outside had ceased to exist.

A whole year had passed like that. Then slowly, subtly at first, things began to change. Was she imagining it, or was Sam becoming distant? He seemed less emotionally available. For the first time since they had been together, Lisa felt an empty space inside. She would have given anything to melt the distance between them. As time passed, the empty feeling came and went. When Sam was his lovable self, Lisas world righted itself and she felt full again. But as soon as he seemed the least bit preoccupied or restless, she began to ache with disappointment and need.

Both Lisa and Sam had prided themselves on their independent spirits. They had even promised each other not to talk about their future. The problem was that despite herself, Lisa wanted more. She was surprised and disturbed by the feelings of longing Sam summoned up in herfeelings she didnt even know were there. But whenever she hinted at longer-term possibilities, her cautious euphemism for marriage, Sam blocked her. Were doing great, hed say reassuringly. Lets just see what happens. His resistance unsettled Lisa and made her doubt herself; in earlier relationships, she had always felt in control.

Lisa began to resent the very qualities that drew her to Sam. His writing seemed to take up more and more of their private time, and she convinced herself that Sam was using his deadlines as an excuse to disappear. At first, Sam tried to smooth away Lisas concerns, but as time went on, his anger flared. Stop worrying about my work, hed snap, and worry about your own.

Before long, light kisses on the check replaced lingering kisses on the lips. Lisa complained that they hardly ever made love anymore. She and Sam began to argue all the time, hurling insults and accusations back and forth: his need to be the center of attention; her crazy temper; his insistence on always being right; her godawful prying; his sadistic putdownsespecially in front of my friends; her laziness. Fights that had once ended in renewed vows of love and bouts of passionate sex now drained all their energy.

But when Sam finally told Lisa he needed his own place, she was heartsick and filled with dread. For the first time since theyd been together, she let her mind stray to the one thought she had scrupulously avoided until nowbeing alone.

On the day Sam moved out, Lisa sat on the couch in stunned disbelief while he padded from bedroom to study to bathroom, sorting through clothes, books, CDs, even bottles of shampoo and vitamins, separating out his stuff from hers. When he was finished packing, Sam walked over to her. Be good to yourself, darling Lisa, he said, planting a kiss on her brow. No matter what, this has been a great adventure for both of us. The ease with which he had already seemed to slip back into his own life and away from theirs infuriated Lisa. She both marveled at and was enraged by his composure. Just leave me the keys, you arrogant bastard, she shot back. With a sigh, Sam set them down beside her. Car service rang up a few minutes later, and he let himself out the door.

Feeling too drained to move, Lisa curled up on the couch and fell asleep. When she woke up, it was already dark. She had to pee badly, and her arm ached from lying on it, but she couldnt bring herself to move until a cramped foot forced her to sit up. Her body felt sluggish and weak, and she could barely lift her feet. The phone rang. Hearing her friend Katherine leave a message, she didnt bother to pick up. It was Sams voice she was waiting for.

That night, Lisa couldnt bring herself to sleep in their bed, so she brought her pillow and comforter back to the couch and stayed there, zoning out on old movies. She slept on the couch the next night, too, and the next. With Sam gone, she found herself listening to the silence. Its odd, she thought. Ive been by myself a thousand times when Sam was out. Only now its different. Before, I was alone, but not really. I was waiting for him. Now Im not waiting for anyone. She started to sob, and finally the pain and hurt came pouring out. She felt frightened and confused. This didnt seem real, but of course it was. He was gone and he wouldnt be coming back.

LISA IS A set designer who first came to see me when her honeymoon with Sam was over, and she was struggling to understand how a relationship so magical, so light and luminous, could have begun to collect the dust of ordinary existence. She wanted to be wanted again. She wanted Sam to feel her longing and respond to her longing with his own. In her heart of hearts, she wanted to hold on to the rosy candlelight glow of romance, rather than have to deal with the bright, sometimes glaring day-to-day life with another person. And who could blame her? To be spun off earth and float above it for a while is exhilarating. But real love must take root in the soil of reality; otherwise, it cant last or modulate into deeper form. Lisa and Sams relationship didnt have such durability.