Desmond G. Goodloe - I Need Help Removing Toxic Masculinity

Introduction

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T his poem was written for my daughter, granddaughters, and all young and not-so-young women in this world to stand up and call men on their toxic behaviors.

M e-Too Girl

Oh say can you see, all the things that are happening in t his world,

Now youre treating me, like, a me -too girl,

Or a jockey on a horse, taking me for granted of course,

Running around making ba d choices,

Talking about somethin gs wrong,

Youre heari ng voices,

Telling you to move here and m ove there,

When the better of you knows to stop and share,

The things that are on your mind,

How the job is becoming suc h a grind,

Break the glass ceiling so we can find,

The best of times. weve had,

When we both used t o be glad,

To be in each others presence,

How I want to feel you r essence,

With your pe rmission, I want to fall into s ubmission,

Dont make this a hard t ransition,

But your mind must stop t his swirl,

You cant treat me, like, a me -too girl.

Chapter 1

How is Masculinity Defined

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M asculinity is defined as possessing the qualities, attributes and characteristics of a man. Merriam-Webster defines masculine as having qualities appropriate to or usually associated with a man; of, relating to or constituting the gender that ordinarily includes most words and grammatical forms referring to males; a ma le person.

Masculinity (also called manhood or manliness ) is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles associated with boys and men. As a social construct, it is distinct from the definition of the male biological sex. Standards of manliness or masculinity vary across different cultures and historical periods. Both males and females can exhibit masculine traits and behaviors.

Traits traditionally viewed as masculine in Western society include: strength, courage, independence, violence, and assertiveness. Machismo is a form of masculinity that emphasizes power and is often associated with a disregard for consequences and respo nsibility.

Virility (from the Latin vir , man) is similar to masculinity, but especially emphasizes strength, energy, and sex drive. ( Wikipedia)

Before we get too deep, I would like to stress that having or not having the masculine traits upon which I based my research does not make you more or less of a man. Let us take a look at each word and its d efinition.

Strength

Physical strength is measured by the amount of weight that you can lift. It is a known fact that men are typically stronger than women, assuming the women are not taking any performance-enhancing drugs. Typically, women are much stronger than men emotionally. The emotional strength women possess to endure the pain of childbirth and many other emotional situations far exceeds the strength of men. Men, generally, do not show their emotions, at least not outwardly. Men are taught not to open and share their weaknesses. When it comes to expressing emotions, this is an area where men need to learn to be vulnerable and allow their true feelings to be displayed in appropriate s ituations.

I am learning this myself. It has taken me several years to allow my wife to see my vulnerable side. I hid it from her because she did not understand how to handle my deep-seated feelings. Women are not accustomed to seeing men show their true emotions, so it is often seen as weakness. But it is a strength, because when you hold on to your feelings and bottle them up inside, it allows the enemy to twist your mind to think negative thoughts. This is a rabbit hole that we men need to stop running down. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with a small connected group of men will help. Find a few men you trust and allow yourselves to speak into each others lives. I will discuss this more later in the chapt er on Job.

Courage

Courage (also called bravery or valor) is the choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. Physical courage is bravery in the face of physical pain, hardship, death or threat of death, while moral courage is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, discouragement, or personal loss. ( Wikipedia)

Courage is the instinct to serve others even when it puts your life or reputation on the line. Can women have this characteristic? Yes, they can and do. In times past, women were not allowed in fighting areas of the armed forces. It was concluded that women would not be able to react in the face of danger the way in which a man would react. Now women are often the first defense in the line of duty as police officers and in the military fighting side by side with men.

Having courage to face the many battles in life requires digging deep for inner strength. It takes courage to face difficult situations on the job, at home or wherever you may be. It takes courage to truly believe and trust that someone is going to love you through sickness and in health.

In dependence

Independence is being able to take care of yourself and your own needs. However, many men wrongly think independence means that you can make it through life without the help of others. This way of thinking often leads to a life of destruction and loneliness. Men who have no one to bounce ideas off of are typically known as loners. Extreme independence and isolation can sometimes breed men who go on killing sprees. Think about it. When you read about men who have committed mass murders in our country, people often say, he was a nice boy who kept to himself. When people are left alone to their own devices, I believe they become desensitized and start to drift further apart from societyessentially becoming lone wolves. Some may even commit suicide. Can women have this same mentality? Yes, they can, but it is not as likely because of the emotional attachment and support women have in th eir lives.

There are many benefits of being independent. Not being a financial burden on anyone. Not causing anyone to have to pick up the pieces of your life because of your bad decisions. In these cases, we need to be independent, while looking to people we trust for sound advice and direction as we mov e forward.

Currently, I see a lot of young adults living with their parents. Why? Times are hard financially, and it is better to stay at home and not struggle than to live on your own and struggle from paycheck to paycheck. Interesting enough, it is the struggle that shows you what you are made of and how resilient you can be under pressure. As parents, we have convinced our children that times are harder now than they were when we left home, so they can stay and figure it out in the safety of the nest. According to Boomers vs. Millennials: A Look at the Financial Gap Between Generations , millennials have it slightly worse than boomers, but the data isnt definitive because only more time can really tell. (Yaho o Finance)

Violence

Violence is the ability to cause pain or the death of another person or thing. Our jails are built on housing those who have committed violent crimes. This is not a male or female delineated characteristic. Men and women both inflict pain and death on others for variou s reasons.

Ass ertiveness

Confidence is a strong belief in yourself and your personality traits and abilities. Assertiveness is being self-assured and confident without being aggressive. This applies to both males an d females.

Mach ismo/Macho

Machismo is the sense of being manly and self-reliant, the concept associated with a strong sense of masculine pride: an exaggerated masculinity. It is associated with a mans responsibility to provide for, protect, and defend his family. ( Wikipedia)