The Coquette - The Best of Dear Coquette: Shady Advice From A Raging Bitch Who Has No Business Answering Any Of These Questions

[the best of]
DEAR COQUETTE

[the best of]
DEAR COQUETTE

Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions

Published in the UK in 2016
by Icon Books Ltd, Omnibus Business Centre,
3941 North Road, London N7 9DP
email:
www.iconbooks.com

Sold in the UK, Europe and Asia
by Faber & Faber Ltd, Bloomsbury House,
7477 Great Russell Street,
London WC1B 3DA or their agents

Distributed in the UK, Europe and Asia
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Distributed in the USA
by Publishers Group West,
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Distributed in Australia and New Zealand
by Allen & Unwin Pty Ltd,
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Distributed in South Africa
by Jonathan Ball, Office B4, The District,
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Distributed in India by Penguin Books India,
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Distributed in Canada by Publishers Group Canada,
76 Stafford Street, Unit 300,
Toronto, Ontario M6J 2S1

ISBN: 978-178578-095-0

Text copyright 2016 The Coquette

The author has asserted her moral rights.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Typeset in Baskerville by Marie Doherty

Printed and bound in the UK
by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc

Introduction

Dear Coquette,

Ive been thinking a lot about your book and how each of us has favorite posts, and how much our favorites say about who we are. Our questions say even more about us, and I cannot wait to read which ones youve chosen.

Ive asked you so many questions over the years. Questions about trivial annoyances, self-discovery, heartbreak, and my deepest darkest fears. Sometimes they werent even questions. Sometimes I just wanted to share with someone who I knew would understand.

Thank you for answering. Thank you for showing us that while we can break, we can also break open, that we are not alone in our fears, our grief, our insecurities, or our ecstasies. I love this tribe of ours.

So tell me, what would you say to us after weve finished sitting at your feet to ask our questions? After weve all been fed and half of us have fallen asleep after a good fuck and the fire has died down and were just nursing the last of our whiskeys. When we are finally silent, what would you say?

Dear Reader,

Ive been thinking a lot about this book too, but I cant quite bring myself to call it my book. This is our book. It is a token of a shared journey, a memorialization of our years spent growing up alongside one another. We did this together, every last one of us, and Im honored that youve chosen to be a part of it.

For those of you whove been here since the beginning, you already know what this means. When this all started we were a bunch of delinquent children in a treehouse slapped together in the backyard of the internet. It was a silly game of truth or dare that we played to escape our boring lives and annoying parents and that ex who had broken our hearts. We were fucking around just having some fun, and then somewhere along the way the conversation got deep, the problems became real, and we accidentally stumbled into our adulthood.

Its been a hell of a ride, and this book has been a long time coming. Now that youre holding it in your hands, I hope you feel how much it belongs to you, and I hope you enjoy what weve chosen for this best-of collection. It was a beautiful and brutal thing to sort through all of my thousands of posts and squeeze some order out of the chaos and madness. I think we did a damn fine job. (Shout out to my brilliant editor, Tom, without whom none of it would have been possible.)

The five parts of this book cover everything from love, sex and drugs to philosophical musings on the individual and the greater good. Theres even a bit about me. For those of you whose favorites didnt make the cut, please accept my apologies ahead of time. No doubt youll understand that it takes a merciless form of math and murder to turn 3,500 pages into 350.

For those of you who are new, welcome. I hope you enjoy what you discover here. Youre a part of this now too, and as you learn more about what weve all been up to, maybe youll come to love this little tribe of ours as well.

Our tribe Ive never thought to use that word before, but theres something deeply appealing about the idea. It fits. I love that you all have favorite posts. I love that you see yourselves in them. I love the depth and breadth of your countless questions and the connection I feel to each of you as I answer them.

Ive had an absolute blast getting to know you all. Youve taught me so much over the years. Youve made me grow. Youve made me think. Youve made me proud. Youve made me cry. Youve allowed me into your lives, and youve been vulnerable in ways that never ceased to amaze. It really has been a fucking pleasure.

And to answer your question (as I always will), at the end of our day after weve all been fed, when the fire has died down and were nursing the last of our whiskeys, when those of us still awake have finished talking shit and telling stories, when we are all finally silent, then I will raise a glass and say whats in my heart.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

You are all my secret treasure.

PART I

On Love

On true love and a greater purpose

Do you ever wonder why your here? And your purpose? Or if youll ever find true love? I think about these things every once in a while, and although its great being single and wild, these thoughts come and go. What about you?

As an existential nihilist, I have a problem with folks who indulge in grandiose wonderings about a greater purpose to life.

Anyone with the slightest sense of scale recognizes that nothing we do matters. In a universe so infinitely vast, our lives are entirely without meaning. The trick is being able to laugh at the abyss because you recognize the freedom it affords you.

Pondering your purpose is philosophical masturbation, and the only way you can make yourself cum is by surrendering rational thought to religious doctrine.

No thank you I dont need god. I already have a clit.

Im perfectly cozy with the cold hard knowledge that Ill die never understanding the nature of the universe. In the meantime, Ive carved out my own little corner of paradise and filled it with all kinds of love, none of which I would insult by deeming any one more true than the other.

Thats another thing I cant stand it when grown-ass women use the word true as an adjective for something so important as love. There is no such thing as true love. Only love.

Going through life with the expectation of some fantastical form of uber-love is childish wish-thinking that would be silly if it werent so damaging to adult relationships.