Reggie Dunlop - Welcome to Trollandia: A somewhat useful guidebook about how to identify and deal with trolls online and otherwise

Welcome to Trollandia: A somewhat useful guidebook about how to identify and deal with trolls online and otherwise

Published by Gatekeeper Press

2167 Stringtown Rd, Suite 109

Columbus, OH 43123-2989

www.GatekeeperPress.com

1776 North Scottsdale Road, P.O. Box #1616, Scottsdale, Arizona, 85257

Copyright 2019 by The Goblin Brand LLC

All rights reserved. No portions of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted by US Copyright Law. All images are owned by the author and trademarked for the author as US and Arizona Law allow.

For permissions, email

ISBN (paperback): 9781642377361

eISBN: 9781642377378

Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to all of the
brave trolls roaming the Earth.
And by brave, I mean lame.

Follow me

Instagram, Facebook & Twitter
@thegoblinbrand

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Id like to thank all of the trolls who inspired me to write this. You made me laugh, instead of angering me, so I couldnt have written this marginally successful book without you. I hope that your goofball antics will entertain my readers as much as theyve entertained me.

Shout out to everyone who told me that I should turn my thoughts into writing.

Id like to thank everyone who finds grammatical or other errors in this book and then emails me about them. Ohhhh youre so smart that you caught a goof in Mr. Writer Mans non-professionally edited book. Ill get right on to correcting that, chief! Here is a grammatical error for you.u r @n @$$h0le.

I would like to acknowledge a few inspirational goblins and a scrubber-demon. Little Wayne, you are a true goblin king, and your indifference to others thoughts are an inspiration. John Goblikon, you may actually be a goblin, which is somewhat terrifying. You rock, regardless of whether or not youre a biologically green-skinned creature. Tyler the Creator, thank you for the album Goblin. Alex Jones, youre a huge piece of shit, but your characterization of your enemies as goblins is hilarious.

I want to thank my buddy Dave for the place to crash while I wrote this book. Your cat is truly a goblin cat (or, gawblincat). The fact that you own a cat as a single, grown man frightens me. And much love to my buddies who encouraged me to do this. I hope that youll continue that support by purchasing any bullshit that put up on my website!

A big thanks to anyone that spreads the word about this book! Im pretty sure that this book wont pay for my retirement, car, or monthly cell phone bill, but every penny helps! Thank you for the retweets, posts, likes, etc.!

Id also like to thank God. Yes, GOD! Thank you for helping me with the gift of perspective. Everything in life gets easier when you understand the value of something. Trolls opinions hold no value, so theres no reason to care about them.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION

This book is a guide for people that are forced to deal with trolls. Ill use anecdotal examples of how lame trolls are, as well as examples that may not mesh with your left or right politics. Dont fret, because this book isnt meant to delve into politics or social issues any further than how they relate to trolls and their tactics of dragging your common sense through the mud. This book is also meant to entertain you as your clever coffee table book, or to keep you busy during your domestic plane flight. I only mention a domestic flight because theres no way that this read will crack you up for an entire transcontinental journey, due to its length. If you read fast, then it may not cover you through a longer domestic connection, such as Los Angeles to Chicago, but youre good to go with a Dallas to Phoenix flight.

Encountering trolls is nearly unavoidable on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, FaceTwitter, SnapFace, BookChat, and whatever the hell other types of bullshit sites are out there for us to waste our time on. The old saying that the only two things that are guaranteed in life are death and taxes should be changed to the only three things that are guaranteed in life are death, taxes, and running into miserable trolls who want to make you as angry as they are. Admittedly, the latter catchphrase doesnt roll off the tongue like the original.

Its happened a million times; you log in to check your email, and BOOM, you see a salacious headline posted to the side of your email icon. But you dont just see the article, do you? Noooo. You were graciously given previews of the comments section with literary nuggets such as what about Hillary and people in flyover states are dumb. Its like watching a car wreck, except that youre not staring at human carnage. youre staring at something more depressing, which are morons that are cyber-screaming to be heard. You didnt even remember what the original article that you clicked on was about by the time that said shitcannery was over! Unfortunately, paTrolls, which are purposeful trollings, are a common occurrence on the internet, and there are no signs of them slowing down.

I have little doubt that you know a troll or ten. You may have that friend who thinks that hes a libertarian because he listened to a Ron Paul speech. And if that same buddy has read part of an Ayn Rand novel, then hes definitely going to gab about the virtues of self-responsibility. Or, maybe you know the inverse of the Ron Paul guy, so now youre hearing about how universal basic income will work from your friend who works as a DJ at your local strip club. The list of excuses that trolls use, political and otherwise, go on forever. Sadly, the age of social media has made everyone feel like they are empowered experts simply because they have a platform to speak. That leaves you stuck in the middle of a world full of angry idiots aiming to convince themselves that theyre not worthless by pissing off other people.

If trolls are ubiquitous, then whats a schmoe to do in order to avoid any unintended trips to Shit City? This book offers help!

Trolls are annoying, but manageable if you know what type of troll that youre dealing with. This book gives descriptions of the three major troll species, which are goons, goblins, and demons. Lesser known subspecies and subtypes of trolls will be discussed, as well. But you could give a shit what trolls are called, right? You want answers about how to deal with them. Youre in luck, hombre. Your drunk uncle? Ive got the remedy. Dealing with a film major friend-of-a-friend who cant stop rambling about why your obsession with sports is such a drag? No sweat. Has Facebook become a pain to log in to because armchair political experts wont stop with their campaigns? Easy answers here. Maybe you need to find a way to escape your racist relatives rants during the holidays? I got you covered.

Now that youve committed to this read; remember to limit the number of mini vodkas to five during the business flight youre on, because these nuggets of knowledge will make trolls easier to deal with.

Read the Glossary of Ridiculous Terms before you move past this paragraph. Its not a massive codex. I promise. Itll help prime you to understand the differences between the forms of trolls and non-trolls, and to better grasp what Trollandia is and isnt. This is my first book, so you shouldnt worry about me prattling on at Stephen King lengths about anything.