James Griffin - Machete and the Ghost

A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand.

E: ISBN 978-1-988516-72-1

M: ISBN 978-1-988516-73-8

A Mower Book

Published in 2019 by Upstart Press Ltd

Level 4, 15 Huron Street, Takapuna 0622

Auckland, New Zealand

Text James Griffin and Oscar Kightley 2019

The moral rights of the author have been asserted.

Design and format Upstart Press Ltd 2019

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Ebook by www.CVDgraphics.nz

For Gunner, wherever you are...

Contents

Foreword

[REDACTED LAWYER COMPANY NAME]

Auckland, 1050

Ph: [REDACTED PHONE NUMBER]

Email: [REDACTED EMAIL ADDRESS]

REDACTED DATE

RE:Request for foreword to book Machete and the Ghost

To Whom It May Concern:

My client, REDACTED DATE (hereafter referred to as SS) has been approached by [REDACTED NAME] (hereafter M) and REDACTED NAME (hereafter G) to provide a foreword for the book they are apparently currently writing.

While SS is, on one hand, flattered to be asked to provide a few words of introduction, he is also a man of some standing in the media and would need certain undertakings before fulfilling this request. Similarly while SS appreciates that M and G have, on the pitch, been great servants to New Zealand rugby, with over 200 test caps between them, he also understands that they have, between them, access to certain information about him that may be injurious to not only his career but also to his personal life and, very likely, could lead to criminal prosecution.

The information SS refers to pertains to the night in [REDACTED CITY] when SS met up with M and G at [REDACTED NAME] and together the three of them [REDACTED STUFF] before moving on to [REDACTED NAME] where they were joined by [REDACTED NAME] , [REDACTED NAME] and several [REDACTED WORDS] including a contortionist. Over the course of the next few hours [REDACTED SENTENCE OF QUITE A FEW WORDS] before SS became aware that [REDACTED SOMETHING] was [REDACTED SOMETHING] whilst hanging upside down from the light shade. It was never my clients intention at the time to [REDACTED STUFF] so that when [REDACTED SENTENCE] it came as a complete surprise to him. And where the [REDACTED WORD] came from, he simply has no idea. From what little my client can remember after that he never agreed to [REDACTED WORDS] or to [REDACTED WORDS] and as for M and Gs assertion that it was SSs idea to [REDCATED LONG SENTENCE] , my client denies everything, utterly.

SS, however, is a reasonable man, and as long as M and G agree not to talk about this sequence of events in their book (or ever) then he would only be too happy to jot down a few words of welcome for the readers and to say something along the lines of how hes sure a M & G book would be a great read as long as the reader doesnt believe a single word of it because it will most probably all be [REDACTED WORD] .

My client and I await your response.

Sincerely,

[NAME REDACTED]

Are You Sure About This...?

MACHETE: So, were doing this book then?

GHOST: Well, we signed the contract and they gave us a deadline and everything, so I guess yes, were doing the book.

M: Even after what the lawyer dude said?

G: The lawyer dude said wed be okay if we stuck to the truth. And didnt mention actual names. And changed the dates and places and who witnessed what with some of the stuff that happened. But especially its probably cool if we tell the truth. Or as much of the truth as we remember.

M: The truth about everything?

G: I guess. Is that a problem, you think?

M: Okay, for example, you know that scar above my left eye that you can still see?

G: The one you got at intermediate when that Tongan kid took out all those years of rivalry and bitterness between Tonga and Samoa on you by punching you in a ruck?

M: My little sister actually did it.

G: Purity did that?

M: With a butter knife. Our best butter knife. I dont want to put that in the book.

G: Why not? You were a kid its not embarrassing that your crazy little sister stabbed you.

M: No, I dont want Purity to know I told the world! She was the one who made me make up the Tongan story so my olds wouldnt get mad at her. And she said shed stab me again if I ever told anyone!

G: Shes still in prison, right?

M: Two more years before shes next eligible for parole.

G: So, assuming shell actually get out this time, by then the book will have been out for ages and shell have calmed down. You know she only reacts violently when she first encounters stuff. Shell be sweet by the time she gets out youll see.

M: Youre only saying that because youve got a crush on her.

G: Back when we were kids. And, actually, she was the one who had a crush on me .

M: Can we get them to bury that story way down the back of the book? She probably wont read that far.

G: Sure I mean its our book, right? They do what we tell them.

M: Okay, but if she comes at me with a butter knife again, Im using you as a human shield.

G: It would be my honour to shield you from Puritys rage, uso.

M: So, I guess were doing this book, then.

G: We sure as hell are.

M: Do we actually have to write any of it ourselves?

G: Nah, we just talk into the microphone and tell our stories and the two writer fellas turn it into chapters and stuff. Theyre called ghost-writers.

M: What? So, they only write your story?

G: Nah, thats just what theyre called. Although it is pretty cool having a ghost-writer when youre The Ghost, eh?

M: If you say so. So where do we start this book?

G: At the beginning.

M: Man, you really are the smart one in our relationship.

G: Is that what we have? A relationship?

M: After all these years, we sure as shit have something .

G: So, we might as well start from the beginning of that something. Do you remember the day you were born?

M: No. Of course not. Does anyone? I mean I know I was born at the hospital in Motootua in Apia. Not the new one the Chinese built. The old one. But I was a bit busy being born to actually remember being born.

G: Weird how that works, eh?

M: Not really.

G: So, what do you remember from being a kid?

M: I remember when I came to New Zealand as a kid.

G: Then maybe we should start sometime round then.

Making a Machete

T his is very difficult for me to write. Or for me to talk about and the writer guys to write for me. I know it is okay for a man to cry these days but theres crying and then theres a level of tears where it just becomes embarrassing. I think I am pushing the limits of that.

My tears must have a high salt content, because they sting my eyes. I think this is due to my favourite food being corned beef and rice. I know that this dish is not entirely what you would call a sensible dietary choice for a high-performance athlete and it was always the reason I turned up to pre-season training overweight and failed my skin-fold tests. But corned beef and rice was my favourite dish as a kid and it was my guilty pleasure as a player and its even more my favourite dish now that I am retired from proper footie and am cashing in over here in France.

Its not just the delightful combination of fluffy, perfect, made-in-a-pot, steamed long-grain rice mixed with the comforting texture of corned beef which, either from the can or from the pan, is just as perfect. And I dont mean the flash corned silverside stuff that Ghost finds over here in France to cook for me when Im feeling homesick I mean the really crappy, fatty stuff that somehow became a staple food on the Islands.