Carson Kressley - Off the cuff: the essential style guide for men and the women who love them

Table of Contents

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First printing, September 2004

Copyright 2004 by Carson Kressley

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INTRODUCTION

SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, MEN HAVE HAD TROUBLE FIGURING OUT WHAT TO WEAR. IT BEGAN, WELL, IT BEGAN IN THE VERY BEGINNING.

SETTING: Garden of Eden

We hear Eve shouting from stage left.

EVE

Adam, youre wearing that fig leaf ... again ? Are you kidding me? That is so tired!

And so, fashion was born.

And here we are, all these years later, and straight men still have no idea what to wear. Over the last couple of years, Ive spent a lot of time in the closets of straight America. Now Ive been in the closet myself for a while, but it was never that scary, people.

Im serious. Its a mad, mad world out there. There are more athletic jerseys than there are men. Polyester is threatening to take over the world. Men actually think they look good in mock turtlenecks and pleated khakis. So while someone else is looking out for the rain forests, Ive got to look out for wardrobes across the land.

How did we get into this tragic situation? Well, it wasnt always like this. Not that long ago, the world was a much simpler place because fashion was very regimented.

There was specific clothing for certain things. Most men had uniforms for work, whether it was an actual uniform or a suit and tie, and sportswear for things like hunting and skiing. Like cavemen teaching their sons to hunt bison and make fire, it was a rite of passage for fathers to take their sons to Brooks Brothers to buy their first blue blazer. Fathers taught sons how to tie ties and pick suits and shoes.

And then somewhere along the linewhen those pesky cellphones and the Internet became popular?we became a very mobile society and all those conformities fell by the wayside. Suddenly you could work from your home in your pajamas and fuzzy slippers and nobody knew. (If they did they probably wouldnt be giving you their money to invest in pork bellies and cultured diamonds.) You could get on a plane in a tank top, ripped shorts, and flip-flops and nobody would look twice at you. Fathers stopped teaching their sons the rules because there were no rules anymore.

So we have a whole generation of guys who have absolutely no idea how to dress. And to make matters worse, at the same time theres been an explosion in the number of clothing choices out there, from outlet malls to the Internet. It would be like if you were trying to learn to make a cheese omelet and the only guidance you were given is, Okay, here are 90 million ingredients. Make something tasty and delicious, but were not going to tell you how. Youd get frustrated and overwhelmed. Youd experiment and make a lot of mistakes. Like when you thought you were totally cool and bought those acid-washed jeans in the eighties, but it was actually the nineties?

Thats where I come in. Im here, Im queer, and I can help you. I was going to rescue abused teacup yorkies, but then I realized there werent any, so straight men it is! I think theyre cute and adorable and lovable, like abandoned puppies at the animal shelter. A straight guy is kind of like a little bird whos fallen out of a tree, until a straight woman or a gay man picks him up and says Look at you! Youre the cutest little thing! You have a broken wing, but well take you to Gucci and youll be just fine.

So think of me as your very own fashion fairy godstylist, here to take you on the magical journey to build a better you, starting with an improved wardrobe. I want to demystify the process, because theres nothing to be afraid of. Absolutely everyone can dress well. And it doesnt have to be scary. Its not like youre doing a home pregnancy test here, people. I want to show you that looking great is easy and funjust like NASCAR and televised bass fishing. Okay, well, maybe not that much fun.

Now, some of you may have seen me wearing some pretty out there things on TV, and youre thinking, Why should I listen to him ?? Fear not. This is all about Do as I say, not as I do. I wear clothes that are appropriate for my life as a gay reality makeover TV celebutante. Ive been known to take my shirt off and go dancing at the Roxy till three in the morning on Saturdays. Most straight guys dont, so my personal style is going to be different from yours. I hope. Or youre going to be in for a big surprise next time you go to San Francisco. Im going to recommend things that will help you get in touch with your own personal style and make you look great.

But before I tell you just how fabulous I can make you, you might want to know just how fabulous I am. Just kidding! But you might want to know where I come from and why I can help you: I was born a poor black child in the parking lot of a Kmart in Decatur, Alabama... Actually, I was born and raised in Allentown , Pennsylvania. I was practically Amish. Can you believe this much style came from Allentown? Which just goes to prove my theory that it doesnt matter where you come from; it only matters where youre going. Just because youre from a certain place, or youre black or white or straight or gay doesnt mean you cant become who you want to be. Dont dream it, be it, people! Life isnt about finding yourself, its about creating yourself!

But growing up gay in a blue-collar town like Allentownand heres where I get serious for a momentyou realize that youre different, but you dont really know why or how. I mean, when you grow up poor, odds are your parents and siblings are poor, too, so you can go home and commiserate and fight over some government cheese or whatever. But when you grow up gay, youre like Why do I have a crush on Lee Majors and nobody else in the first grade does? Why is my copy of Dynamite ! magazine stuck together? Youre an outsider in many ways, so you turn a little more inward and focus on your self a little more. Because you dont have any friends. Ha, ha, ha! (Good times! Good times!) And that gives you a little perspective.