Nicky Pellegrino - Dont Sweat It: How to make the change a good one

Dont Sweat it is not only packed with really good information but its fun, interesting, and written from a personal point of view. Not at all preachy, it should be required reading for both women and men as soon as they reach forty. I feel like running down the street with this book screaming, Viva la rvolution!

Peta Mathias

The menopause manual every Kiwi woman needs on the bedside table.

Kate Rodger

First published in 2022

Copyright Nicky Pellegrino, 2022

The information contained in this book is for general information purposes only and is not meant to substitute professional medical advice or treatment. The reader should consult a health professional in relation to any medical conditions.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Allen & Unwin

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Phone: (64 9) 377 3800

www.allenandunwin.co.nz

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Crows Nest NSW 2065, Australia

Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand

ISBN 978 1 988547 81 7

eISBN 978 1 76106 364 0

Text and Cover Design by Saskia Nicol

Everyone was really, really annoying. What was wrong with them all? And how was I supposed to cope? The tension of it, day after day, was making me clench my jaw so tightly it ached. A dentist told me I was grinding down my teeth. He said that all the clenching was overworking the muscles, too, so I was changing the shape of my jawline. MY face looked squarer and more masculine, and my teeth were crumbling because every single person I had any dealings with at all was driving me crazy. That made me even more furious.

Then it occurred to me: I was the common denominator here. Other people had always been irritating; it was me who had changed. I had lost my ability to deal with it (which, to be fair, had never been especially well developed in the first place). I was in a towering rage most of the time, and distorting my own appearance as a consequence not because of anything that was happening in the outside world, but due to the changes going on inside my own body.

Midlife and menopause: two words to strike fear in most women of a certain age. Words wed rather not say out loud until we really have to. Because they mean were getting older, and who wants to psychologically adjust to that?

We all know that at some point our ovaries will retire from active service and our hormones will go haywire. Weve heard whispers of the side-effects, of hot flushes and mood swings, of dry vaginas and insomnia and night sweats. But like so much in life, menopause and its stealthy harbinger peri-menopause is something every woman experiences differently, so even if your mother, or an aunt, or an older female friend has attempted to initiate you, their descriptions of the biological realities of midlife might not match what you encounter.

My own mothers generation didnt really discuss it. They cryptically mouthed the words the change at each other instead. And yes, it is a change. Its one that brings good as well as bad, one that might be tricky to deal with but cant, at this point anyway, be entirely avoided.

Nobody ever congratulates you for becoming menopausal, do they? But there is often so much excitement around every other life stage. Like the transition from girl to woman: your first bra, your first kiss, even your first experience of menstruation its new and wonderful, it feels like youre on the cusp of something great; people throw you parties, they give you special presents. And the deal is much the same when you start having babies: another welcome change, more cause for celebration.

Isnt midlife, in its own way, also a coming-of-age? Arent you again on the cusp of something interesting? Unless things go very wrong, current life expectancies mean were likely to be around for another 30 years or so after menopause/ruahinetanga. That is time for a lot of living. We may no longer be reproductive, but we can still be productive. Its a milestone worth celebrating; at least, in my opinion.

Someone I was chatting to the other day mentioned being out with a girlfriend and heading into a bar when the friend happened to say that she was in the midst of a hot flush. I mean, really, my (female) mate complained to me, wrinkling her nose in distaste. We were supposed to be out having a good time. I didnt want to hear about that.

Well, in this book were going to hear all about being hot, sweaty, angry, sad, itchy, anxious, bone-tired, fatter, vaguer, sleepless, wrinklier and drier of vagina. And I promise you were still going to have a good time.

At no point will I tell you what to do thats entirely up to you but we will, with the help of experts, be taking a deep dive into the many options for managing the symptoms listed above. Well investigate the stuff that no one ever tells you about midlife, celebrate as well as commiserate, and well meet other women, get their perspective and talk this thing through.

~

Life can be even better once the hormonal storm subsides. Women who no longer shop for tampons are out there running countries and businesses, acting in hit Hollywood movies, writing award-winning books, crashing through glass ceilings. It isnt always easy, but then what is? By the time we hit midlife weve weathered a lot of other storms so weve got this, really we do.

There may be a few freaky moments along the way. When I was at the dizzying heights of rage and my brain seemed not to fully belong to me anymore, a man in a grocery store made the mistake of accusing me of queue-jumping. In my defence, there was a confusing set-up in this particular shop and he was possessed of (irritatingly!) poor queuing skills. I hadnt meant to jump ahead. But as I began to apologise, he declared that he thought I was very rude and so did everyone else. Ill show you rude, I thought to myself. And then I did.

Afterwards, once Id recovered from being a lot stroppier than the situation demanded, I considered designing a range of humorous menopause slogan T-shirts to make women with swinging moods easier to identify. Then I googled, and there are already loads out there. Unfortunately most are a bit lame, although I did like the one that said Im hot, Im cold, Im hot, Im cold, ITS YOUR FAULT!

So yes, Im menopausal. Ive been there, done that, although I dont yet have the T-shirt (and if I did it would need to be in a larger size with longer sleeves).

~

Midlife changes us in ways we never imagine. Sometimes it feels as if were rebuilding ourselves from the ground up. This new version of us what will we want, and who are we going to be? I guess its time to find out.

Ive decided there cant be many menopausal women in hell because they wouldnt put up with it. Theyd band together, overthrow the Devil and get the air-conditioning turned up.

Karen Mills, comedian

I have just stripped off my dress, kicked off my sneakers and am sitting at my desk in nothing but a tiny slip. Thankfully I work at home, not in an office, but the occupants of six other neighbouring houses could potentially be getting an eyeful. Never have I cared less about anything.

The hotness of a hot flush is not like any other sort of warmth. It comes from deep within. Often for me it starts with a spike of anxiety (more on that later), then the heat rushes over me in a wave and I feel stifled by it. Theres always a moment when my skin feels as if it has been packed in warm clay, but thankfully I dont get sweaty so if it werent for the sudden manic stripping-off of clothes then probably no one would guess what was happening.