Lucy-Anne Holmes - Women on Top of the World: What Women Think About When Theyre Having Sex

Before I started having sex, I used to think it was this wonderful, mind-blowing thing. From what Id read about in books and heard others say, I thought it would be spectacular. I had no idea how awkward it would actually be.

My ex-boyfriend would almost always be the one to initiate it. I was pretty fine with that. I prefer my partner to be in charge. It usually started out with some light touching around the boobs and, if I was lucky, down around the vulva. If he was feeling adventurous, wed do it in the shower. Shower sex sounds excellent in theory but, what with slippery surfaces and slippery bodies, its hard not to fall over and thats not to mention how you get really cold when youre out of the shower stream!

Hed finger me from all angles, except when I was on my back, which is what I prefer. He could never locate the clitoris. Once, I figured Id help guide him: I put his fingers on it so he knew where it was. He managed to rub it twice, then slipped off and started rubbing my labia next to it instead. He had no idea he wasnt on my clit anymore. I couldnt stop myself from laughing.

Sometimes it felt like I was being probed rather than pleasured. It was obvious he didnt really know what he was doing and most of the time I was lying there thinking, God, this is awkward, I wonder when well get on with it? It probably would have been nicer if I could have experienced foreplay where he paid attention to what I did and didnt like. Being jackhammered is never good.

I received oral sex exactly once from him and it was awful. He kept stopping throughout to drink cold water and then go back in. Cold tongues do not feel good at all! I was way too insecure; I wasnt sure which was the appropriate response. The whole thing just felt weird. I gave oral a few times. I do enjoy giving it every now and then, but I have to be in the mood for it to get the proper enjoyment from it, otherwise it just feels like a chore.

Hed always lube up before penetration. The sex itself was okay; sometimes it was painful, particularly during entry. The lube helped. Penetration felt good after all the other stuff.

Once, his mother nearly walked in when we were in the middle of it. He frantically re-dressed to answer the door while I had to hide under the blankets and pretend I was cold. It was the middle of summer. There was no way she didnt know, but thankfully she didnt say anything.

By the time he got the harness tied, hed lost interest, so I had to sit there and chat awkwardly for a while before he untied me.

Ive never had an orgasm, not then, not since. Im not sure why. Things like masturbation dont do anything for me. I try to tell myself that for some people it just doesnt or that its because I havent found the right way yet, but Im quite insecure about it. I worry that theres something wrong with me.

Growing up I didnt learn very much at all about sex. At around age fourteen I was curious to know what BDSM was, and it was actually from the BDSM community that I learned the most about sex. Reading public forums, I learned about what consent actually is: agreeing enthusiastically rather than just a simple nod or mumbling I guess. I also learned about things like infections and how easily stuff can go wrong; its thanks to them I knew to pee after sex when I finally did start having it at eighteen. And that I knew what a UTI was when I got my first one, so I didnt think I was broken and knew what to do.

We had a safe word, red we agreed on it when we started having sex, although we never used it. I thought itd be awkward to discuss something like that, but the conversation was actually very chill and relaxed. We were mostly very vanilla, but he did buy proper bondage rope and once tried to tie a harness. He pulled up a YouTube tutorial and I had to sit there totally naked while he went back and forth between it and me trying to figure out where to put the rope. By the time he got the harness tied, hed lost interest, so I had to sit there and chat awkwardly for a while before he untied me.

Often during sex, I would worry if I was doing something wrong or if I was doing anything right, but there rarely seemed to be any difference between the two.

Natalie Krim is an artist who lives in California. Her confessional erotic line drawings share her journey of self-love and her fight for womens rights. She likes to use pastel colors and the simplicity of the pencil.