David B. Wexler - MeToo-Informed Therapy: Counseling Approaches for Men, Women, and Couples

Contents

A Norton Professional Book

To all the brave survivors who have spoken up,
and to all the women and men who care.

Contents

Chapter 1: THE BIG PICTURE:
Sexual Misconduct in Our Culture

Chapter 2: SOCIALIZATION MATTERS:
How Gender Roles May Foster #MeToo Behaviors

Chapter 3: MEN BEHAVING BADLY:
Aggression, Threat, and Abuse Of Power

Chapter 4: MEN BEHAVING POORLY:
Clueless, Inept, and Subtle Harassment

Chapter 5: TWO TRUTHS:
The Need For Intersectional Awareness by Leona Smith Di Faustino, LCSW, CSU Long Beach

Chapter 6: WORKING WITH MEN:
From Predators to the Misinformed

Chapter 7: WORKING WITH MEN:
Did I Do Something Too??

Chapter 8: EMPOWERING WOMEN:
Strategies and Challenges

Chapter 9: SEXUAL MISCONDUCT ON CAMPUS:
Stopping the Spread of Sexist Behavior

Chapter 10: SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN WORK ENVIRONMENTS:
Coping With a Toxic Workplace

Chapter 11: WORKING WITH COUPLES:
Using Lessons From #MeToo to Bridge the Gender Gap

Chapter 12: CREATING A CULTURE OF ALLIANCE:
We Are All in This Together

As the #MeToo movement exploded into national consciousness in 2017, we saw and heard more and more stories of men being forced to self-examine, women speaking up, and couples tackling issues that had never quite emerged before. A book needed to be written to help counselors find ways to constructively address #MeToo behavior in their therapy sessions.

Some of our colleagues have told us that we would get into trouble for trying to write a book on the #MeToo movement in these volatile times. Everybody knew that, no matter how respectful, nuanced, and careful we were, we were bound to alienate some readers: those who would believe we were apologists for male predators, or that we were not calling out women who remained silent, or that we were blaming the victim by asking women to take a more assertive stance wherever possible, or that we believed too easily that there were women who unfairly accused men, or that we were putting too much of a burden on women to help educate men about how to act. Because of the importance of the issues raised, however, we were willing to write a book that might stir up controversy, believing it is better to engage in difficult dialogues than shy away from them.

DAVID:As a man, I feel a sense of collective responsibility. Like many other men I knew, the #MeToo stories started me scouring though my past for incidents where I might have made a woman uncomfortable, crossed a line that I didnt realize was there, or didnt care because I was young, male, and stupid. And, like many other men, I became determined to utilize everything I knew about how men think, feel, and act to help wake myself and other men up.

HOLLY:As the #MeToo movement began to gain traction, I found myself remembering the experiences I have had, as a woman, where I accepted the status quo that men were more valuable than women, that men had a right to put down women or take advantage of them sexually. I remembered all the stories I heard for many years from students, clients, and friends about the sexual misconduct they suffered at the hands of men, from clumsy contact to near rape. Most of all, I remembered the value of helping women to be more assertive, to become survivors and not victims, to be in control and not controlled, and to harness personal and collective power. I wasnt always on the front line of feminist political action, but I did what I could to help women speak up.

The two of us have collectively spent decades as clinicians in the trenches confronting men and helping them heal, and helping women recover from sexual misconduct and become more empowered. We have navigated the fine line between addressing clearly unacceptable behavior by men and expressing compassion (most of the time) for the better person within a man who has violated a womans sexual boundaries. We have worked with women who have been victims of sexual misconduct, encouraging and supporting them in their efforts to deal successfully with the consequences of men behaving badly.

We offer you the benefit of what we have both learned from clinical experience, from the research we have been influenced by, and from what we continue to struggle with in the path towards full equality and respect between the sexes. We know that we dont know it all. We are white, straight, and privileged. We can only see what we see from our own perspectives. We are therefore grateful that we have been able to benefit from the wisdom of many colleagues who have offered their valuable perspectives about issues we may not fully understand. And we are grateful that we have been able to include at least one chapter specifically addressing the uniquely challenging #MeToo experiences for people of color or other marginalized groups, especially the LGBTQ+ population. Thank you to Leona Smith Di Faustino for her valuable contributions (see ).

Please join us on our journey to understand and constructively work with clients who have been offenders or victims, as our culture continues to hear womens voices too long suppressed.

David B. Wexler, Ph.D.

Holly B. Sweet, Ph.D.

November 2020

The rapid rise of the #MeToo movement has created a seismic shift in how we perceive relationships between men and women. But the scope of behaviors that fall within this category is full of gray areas for many clients, supervisors, professors, employees, and studentsand for all of us counselors, therapists, and educators who are trying to guide people through this. We will look at the range of #MeToo behaviors and motivations and consequences in the gray areas that comprise sexual misconduct. It is important to note that we will not be covering criminal behavior such as rape, domestic violence or child molestation which is outside the scope of this book. These are issues that we leave to other books. They are beyond the gray areas with which we will be dealing: stupid and juvenile actions as well as more serious offenses such as noncriminal sexual assault. Still, the psychological and social conditions that generate the range of sexual misconduct that we actually are addressing permeate the environment in which criminals feel empowered to act.

We want to help men who offend or are just confused, guide women who need help recovering from or stopping harassment and finding a voice, explore ways for men to be allies in the #MeToo movement, and help couples whose relationships can be enhanced by understanding #MeToo issues.

All of us working in the roles of counselors, therapists, and educators need as much information and perspective as possible to explore the complex issues in this particular realm of gender relations in a way that empowers women and helps men be more respectful of womens boundaries.

The behaviors we are addressing under the umbrella of #MeToo include those of authority figures in power over subordinates as well as peer-to-peer sexual misconduct. They include people who might be in a position to advance (or sabotage) someones career. While we will not be addressing every single one of these situations in our case studies, we recognize that #MeToo violations include actions by a wide variety of men not covered in our book, including military personnel, coaches, therapists, priests, ministers, rabbis, and important political figures. Most of the situations we are addressing involve actions by people who are well known to the victimized party. The situations we explore involve complex interactions and politics between the two individuals that are rarely as simple as one terrible person simply forcing himself on another.