Joe Garden - The Devious Book for Cats: A Parody

Contents

Foreword:
Pulling the Strings

For Jim Davis

FOREWORD

Pulling the Strings

C ats didnt need to be domesticated. We have always been proud, shrewd, independent animals living life on our own terms. Fierce and noble, the Felis silvestris catus once ruled all she surveyed. We were worshipped by mortals and roamed wide as we pleased. Rodents and birds trembled at our approach, and the mere sight of a black cat sent even the most hulking human scurrying home. It was a good time to be a kitty.

But cats are no fools. The perks of domestication were too good to pass up. Humans gave us everything we desired: ear massages, better health care, and a bounty of toy mousies. In return, they were permitted to bask in the majesty of our presence. It seemed a fair trade.

Or was it?

Has domesticity really been good for cats? Now kept indoors under the pretense of safety, well often curl up on the couch for hours at a stretch, eat a couple of times, go to the bathroom in a box, and call it a day. Is that the life we want?

When was the last time you stalked an unsuspecting bird, hunted pennies, climbed excitedly up the coats in the closet, or zipped wildly from one end of the house to the other in under four seconds? Sure, we get our share of wet food, and the occasional deliciously fishy treat. But ask yourself this: Who sets your feeding scheduleyou or your person?

Its time we face facts. Domesticity has dulled our authority and bored us silly. Did you know that because of a sedentary lifestyle the average feline today uses a mere two to three of its nine lives? We might be living longer, but arent we living less? And whats become of our haughty spirit, our famously sassy, standoffish personalities, and our legendary curiosity? Arent they languishing on that luxurious goose-down cat bed from the glossy pet catalogue?

Cats have been content to take a comfortable backseat in life for far too long. The time has come to step out of the shadows and pull the proverbial strings in our households. Luckily, we can do it without giving up any of the comforts weve come to enjoy and expect.

Of course, the question for most cats is How?

The answers are in this book. It contains all the information needed to regain control of your sovereign destiny. In it, you will discover the secrets of how daredevil cats survive seemingly impossible, death-defying stunts. You will learn why the Egyptians worshipped your ancestors as gods, and why your person should do the same. You will find out all there is to know about kitty litter, and get to look at some fantastic pictures of glorious cardboard boxes. Youll also be taught to stare like a pro, wake a sleeping person, and get away with practically anything.

But what we really hope you find in this book is yourselfa noble creature who seeks to experience the wild, unrestrained joys hidden within the sheltered, pampered life you deserve.

Reasons You Meant to Do That

I n the human world, there is a thing called a mistake. Theres no exact translation in the feline language, but it basically means doing something you did not intend to do. The concept is quite confusing to cats since everything we do is done both correctly and on purpose. There are occasions, however, when our actions appear to resemble one of these so-called mistakes to humans, and this coincidence often produces accidental miscommunications. In the event of such a mix-up, you should have some prepared statements ready in order to avoid an incorrect interpretation of your actions.

Mistake: Your head is stuck in a beer mug.

Reason: Bavarian cats have long known that sleeping in dewy beer steins can refresh and smooth the coat. The hops, malt, and barley also provide an aromatic masking agent for mousing. Plus, theres nothing wrong with a little nightcap.

Mistake: You slammed headfirst into a screen window.

Reason: There was a buga huge, megabugright between your eyes that just wouldnt get off. Well, its off now, isnt it? Whats more, a powerful and graphic message that your face is strictly off-limits has been sent to the bug community.

Mistake: You leapt from the loveseat to the television, but rather than landing on top, continued sliding off the set.

Reason: That slip was a symbolic act of civil disobedience. The grip multinational conglomerates have over the airwaves has reached a critical mass. Lack of competition in Big Media has made quality programming all but obsolete. Your slide was meant to be a physical representation of the slippery slope we tread when we permit the corporate monopolization of entertainment, which creates an uninformed, intellectually lazy, and generally apathetic populace. If your person didnt get that, it just proves the point.

Mistake: While stretching out on the couch, you rolled off the cushions and fell to the floor.

Reason: After spending all day licking your claws, you didnt want to ruin their luster by getting them caked in the thick layer of dust your person allowed to build up in the rug.

Mistake: You slipped into the fish tank.

Reason: Those neon tetras, angelfish, and dopey zebrafish were taunting you all day. What appeared to your person as an unintentional dip was in fact a carefully choreographed move designed to instill shock and awe in your fishy foes. Now they know theyre not even safe in their castles and treasure chests; if pushed to the limit, you wont hesitate to get wet.

Mistake: Youre swinging around from a ceiling fan at 180 rpm.

Reason: Look, youre a busy cat with better things to do than wait around and air-dry after your dip into the fish tank. Clinging to a fan blade allows you to dry quickly and get on with the day. Staying damp for any longer is tantamount to letting the fish win.

Mistake: You played an unstructured, unmelodic scherzo on the piano.

Reason: That seemingly anarchic piece was actually the third movement of your free jazz symphony.

Mistake: Youre trapped in the refrigerator.

Reason: Trapped? Hardly. Youll come out once youve eaten, well, everything.

Mistake: Rather than walk down a staircase, you tumbled down without your paws ever making stable contact with any one individual stair.

Reason: Oh, does your person still make sure to step on every stair? Thats soquaint. Apparently the efficient practice of stair-sliding has not spread to the worlds more pedestrian species.

Mistake: You wandered into the reptile house at the Topeka City Zoo and have been swallowed whole by a Burmese python.