Daniel H. Wilson - Bro-Jitsu: The Martial Art of Sibling Smackdown

T OP TEN BRO-JITSU MOVES

These moves will save your life.

Also by Daniel H. Wilson, PhD

How to Survive a Robot Uprising

Wheres My Jetpack?

How to Build a Robot Army

Like all serious martial arts, Bro-Jitsu should be practiced with caution. The author and publisher are not responsible for any injurymental, physical, or imaginarythat may result from the use of these techniques.

Text copyright 2010 by Daniel H. Wilson

Illustrations copyright 2010 by Les McClaine

This electronic edition published in 2018 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

Bloomsbury is a registered trademark of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

All rights reserved
You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages

Published by Bloomsbury Books for Young Readers

175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Wilson, Daniel H. (Daniel Howard).

Bro-Jitsu : the martial art of sibling smackdown / Daniel H. Wilson;

illustrated by Les McClaine. 1st U.S. ed.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN: 978-1-5999-0279-1 (PB)

ISBN: 978-1-5999-0892-2 (eBook)

1. Martial artsHumor. 2. Sibling rivalryHumor. 3. Brothers and sistersHumor.

I. McClaine, Les, ill. II. Title. III. Title: Martial art of sibling smackdown.

PN6231.M325W55 2009 306.87502'07dc 2008030308

Art created digitally

Book design by Yelena Safronova

First U.S. Edition April 2010

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For my little brother

C ONTENTS

I NTRODUCTION

W elcome to the first and only guide to Bro-Jitsuthe worlds most ancient and powerful martial art. Bro-Jitsu is a highly stylized form of physical and mental combat whose origins are lost to time; it has been practiced and honed to perfection over countless millennia by billions of human beings who all share one crucial thing in common: annoying siblings.

In the last few decades, the role between adults and children has evolved to become more safe, more positive, and much more politically correct. The days of getting a paddling at school are over, and the days of wobbling oversize helmets and excessive padding have arrived. The world may be nicer, but children havent changed. Empires will rise and fall, social conventions will come and go, but learning to burp into your brothers face just as he inhales is a skill that will never lose its intrinsic value.

It is this universal, ageless quality of Bro-Jitsu that makes it a mandatory martial art for anyone who has one or more siblings. Age, gender, and physical condition have no bearing whatsoever on your ultimate ability to reach the fabled level of Bro-master. As long as you have brothers, sisters, cousins, or childhood friendsBro-Jitsu is the inescapable way of life laid before you.

Although participation is mandatory, truly understanding and mastering Bro-Jitsu has serious benefits. The simple fact is that to properly form a lifelong bond of brother- or sisterhood, human beings must aggravate each other, push each other around, and bother the heck out of each other. Otherwise, brothers and sisters might as well be polite strangers on the bus. The unique enduring love-hate relationship between siblings is why Bro-Jitsu is the single most practiced martial art ever put into use by humankind (and to a lesser extent, monkeykind).

This book breaks down the martial art of Bro-Jitsu into three strategies: offensive moves, defensive moves, and psychological moves. Each section will deliver step-by-step instructions on performing crucial techniques, as well as handy countermoves and additional variations suitable for more advanced students. These techniques are intended for use by sibling combatants, while any nearby parents naturally fulfill the role of parental referees. Parents are duty-bound to interfere with Bro-Jitsu bouts but should be considered roadblocks that must be coaxed, goaded, and fooled by wily children who intend to excel in their study of Bro-Jitsu. Throughout the course of this book, readers will learn to attack, defend, and manipulate their way through thousands of battles in an ongoing war of Bro-Jitsu that will last for as long as there are siblings.

You, honorable reader, sit on the precipice of greatness. Now is the time to ask yourself: do I have the courage and determinationthe sheer grit and force of willto master Bro-Jitsu?

W ARNING: DEALING WITH ONLY CHILDREN

A percentage of people on this planet do not have siblings. Scientists call these unfortunate people only children. These only children can be found anywhere; they may be people you play with or people you ride the bus to school with. Be careful. Without years of daily training in Bro-Jitsu, only children may never properly learn how to tease, taunt, or rassle. An only child may take casual insults to heart. After a friendly noogie, headlock, or wet willy, an only child may react by punching you in the face, causing real blood to come out of your nose or lip. Stay alert and do not be taken by surprise: an only child can be as dangerous as a cornered badger.

T HE CODE OF BRO-JITSU

B ro-Jitsu is a proud martial art with a long and glorious tradition. Walking the path of Bro-Jitsu will not be easy. Only those with strength, intelligence, and steaming gobs of self-discipline will successfully make the transition from snot-nosed sibling into calm Bro-Jitsu master.

Respect, courtesy, and honor. None of these are necessary qualities for a beginning student of Bro-Jitsu. Younger siblings must instead focus on other qualities, such as being irritating, selfish, and loud. On the other hand, older siblings should develop body- and soul-crushing physical attacks, the ability to tell young children outlandish lies with a straight face, and the ultimate Bro-power of the strong ignore. Always remember: the purpose of Bro-Jitsu is to defeat your siblings, not to improve yourself. Trust me, youre just fine. Your evil brothers and sisters, however, must be physically pummeled and mentally tricked so that you may live to see another day and so that you can watch your favorite TV show without having the remote stolen.

An accomplished student of Bro-Jitsu will know and understand that others may stray from the path and shatter the sacred code of Bro-Jitsu. Enraged little sisters, coldhearted parents, or clueless only childrenany of these foes may soil the field of sibling combat with illegal or unfair moves. Condition yourself to follow the code in the face of cheaters and neophytes; it will not only make you a better person, but a better brother or sister.