Waldo Mellon - Whats What and What to Do About It
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- Book:Whats What and What to Do About It
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- Publisher:Seven Stories Press
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- Year:2022
- Rating:5 / 5
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Whats What and What to Do About It: summary, description and annotation
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Dear Abby, Dear Ann Landers... make room for Dear Waldo, the imaginary advice columnist of the woes and foibles of human existence from screenwriter Steve Adams.
Dear Waldo,
My moron brother Lance is obsessed with the idea that theres millions and millions of other planets with life on them. How do I break the news to him it isnt so?
Sincerely,
Bruno
Dear Bruno,
Before I answer your question, Id like to point out that there is no such thing as a moron or an idiot or an imbecile. There are only living things that know different things than you know.
To answer your question, lets take a look at this thing called Life that your brother is talking about. Of course theres a much earlier model of Living Things: Plants. The basic different between Animals and Plants is that Animals are cordless, whereas Plants have to be plugged in...
Dear Waldo,
I have done a horrible thing. Its such a horrible thing that I cant tell anybody. Im hoping you can help me.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Unless youre born and then die real quick, you will live to do what you think are horrible things. May I take me, for instance?
Here I am taking my brothers bunny out of the cage and Im throwing him up and Im letting him land on the floor. Over and over. It couldnt move its hind legs after that. A few days later my father poured some chloroform on to a rag and put the rag and the bunny into a shoe box and held it tight until everything stopped moving...
In my opinion we all have a Treasure Box in our heads. Its where we store our essence: The greatest of our great pleasures, our proud moments, and great sorrows. So why not place into that same Treasure Box the most horrible of our horrors?
Anonymous, answer honestly: which has done a better job of sharpening your focusthe good things youve done, or the bad things?
And so, Anonymous, that horrible thing you did that broke no laws and hurt no one but yourself? Toss it in your Treasure Box and move on.
Your fan,
Waldo Mellon
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Copyright 2014, 2022 by Steve Adams.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, writing or recording, or through any other system for the storage or retrieval of information without the written permission of the publisher.
Seven Stories Press
140 Watt Street
New York, NY 10013
www.sevenstories.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Mellon, Waldo, author.
Title: Whats what and what to do about it : (answers you didnt know you wanted to questions you didnt know you had) / Waldo Mellon.
Description: New York, NY : Seven Stories Press, [2021]
Identifiers: LCCN 2021016202 (print) | LCCN 2021016203 (ebook) | ISBN 9781644210383 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781644210390 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Conduct of life--Miscellanea.
Classification: LCC BJ1589 .M4624 2021 (print) | LCC BJ1589 (ebook) | DDC 170/.44--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021016202
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021016203
Book design by Jon Gilbert
Printed in the USA.
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
For Allie and Jim.
Hi Mom. Hi Dad.
Thanks a million to Jeannie and Jill Palmer and Micha Archer and Jimbo and Tiger and Peter and Bob Saul and Katie Shults and Bob Sturges and Denis ONeill and Larry David and Nanny Vonnegut and Bruce Watson and Dick Metafora and Marc Berman and Ellen Moore and Barbara DArthenay and Lillian Pickering. For what? Cmon. You know for what.
Dear Reader,
My name is Waldo Mellon, and I cannot tell you how pleased I am that you are reading this. I know that there are lots of other things you could be doing at this moment, and for you to be passing your eyeballs over these particular words, of all the billions and billions of words there are to pass your eyeballs over, strikes me as nearly miraculous.
Not as miraculous, however, as the astounding acrobatics your brain is pulling off at this moment during the act of reading itself.
Reading is hard.
Reading well is harder.
And so I would like to make a special request. Please read this over a period of time, in short bursts. Ideally, you would read this only while sitting on the john. In most instances, the amount of time it would take you to complete your time on the john would be around the amount of time it would take you to read a single entry.
Here, in a nutshell, is my Main Idea: Life is a lovely, complicated accident. Our sweet little miraculous brains just do not have what it takes to understand it.
And so, in order to find enjoyment in our brief time exploring, we must simplify.
This book is my attempt at simplifying the complex.
I have no special training.
My guesses are no better than yours.
But I have written my guesses down and have wrestled them into a certain shape that I hope you may find helpful.
In fact, I am so hopeful that my guesses will be helpful to you that I am prepared to offer you...
WALDO MELLONS FABULOUS GUARANTEE!
Here it is:
If you read the entire book, I guarantee that your life will begin to change for the better.
You will like yourself more.
You will be more relaxed.
You will anguish less over how you are perceived by others.
You will be better equipped to handle confusion and doubt.
You may still loathe yourself occasionally, and you may still feel blue and lost from time to time, and you may still be hounded by regret now and again. But those loud-mouthed young punks inside your head who have been tormenting you over the years will turn into toothless old farts waving to you from a bench in your skull.
You will see life in a slightly different way, and because of this you will spend more time feeling pleased and hopeful.
If none of this happens, then please, by all means, SEND AN EMAIL WITH YOUR ADDRESS TO:
AND I, WALDO MELLON, SHALL SEND TO YOU, ON MY HONOR, A COMPLETE REFUND!!!
You heard me right. I am so confident that my version of things will improve your life that I am giving you a FABULOUS MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE!
Uh-oh. Could it be that my wife is right? That I have not thought this thing through? Hmmm...
Before we get to the real heart of this bookto the lettersI want to introduce to you a brand-new word. This brand-new word is...
VOOCULE
Heres how its pronounced: Voo rhymes with boo. Cule rhymes with mule. Voocule. Say it a few times. Voocule. Voocule. Voocule.
Im hoping that the word will become as much a part of your vocabulary as the word soul. Like your soul, your Voocule is a tough butterfly to net. It cannot be seen or touched or even located.
Every living thing has its own Voocule.
Plants included.
Your Voocule is your bubble. Your bubble of life.
Whats inside?
YOU
The totality of you.
Every experience you have ever had.
Every thought.
Every dream.
Everything remembered.
Everything forgotten.
Everything hidden in the dark of your subconscious.
Everything you hate about yourself.
Everything you love about yourself.
And heres a very interesting fact: Every Voocule is exactly the same size. The Voocule of a baby mouse is no smaller than the Voocule of, say, Gandhi. Or an oak tree. Or Elvis.
How about that?!
And get this: You and only you can see what is inside your Voocule.
Do you see what this means? It means that you cannot see what is inside anyone elses bubble.
Which means that no living thing can see what is outside its own Voocule.
Which means that all living things exist in separate Voocules, an infinite and miraculous flotilla of wondrous magical bubbles that can enter each other but must always remain separate.
Which means... oh dear... every living thing is sealed in its own Voocule, isolated and forever alone...
Hmmm. Im sensing that the fabulousness of my groundbreaking concept might not, at the moment, be making itself evident.
And so Im going to sit you side by side on a park bench in a busy city with a loved one of your choosing. Neither one of you sees what the other sees.
Ever.
You both look at a portly fellow passing in a trench coat.
You think, That guy looks like my uncle Gus.
Your loved one thinks, Trench coat. Pervert?
Your attention turns to a pigeon.
You think, Are pigeons to birds what beggars are to people?
Your loved one thinks, If my head did that every time I took a step Id shoot myself.
A skateboarder skateboards by.
You think, I gotta get more exercise.
Your loved one thinks, Why isnt he wearing elbow pads?
And on and on.
No two living things everEVERreact with their senses to the same thing in exactly the same way. Because everything is received through the prism of You, and youre the only You there is.
Why does this matter?
If you think of yourself as sharing a single huge bubble with every living thing, and the whole bunch of you seeing the same things in pretty much the same way, then when you fail you may begin to feel a smallness in comparison to the others, which may lead you to believe that you are flawed and deficient. And once you accept this as so, you may begin to build a structure of defense and resentment against those who you think are better than you.
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