Richard C. Schwartz - You Are the One Youve Been Waiting For (Internal Family Systems)

You Are the One

Youve Been Waiting For

bringing courageous love

to intimate relationships

Richard C. Schwartz

You Are the One

Youve Been Waiting For

bringing courageous love

to intimate relationships

Richard C. Schwartz

Copyright 2008 by Richard C. Schwartz Trailheads Publications

Publishing Division of The Center for Self Leadership, P.C.

Without prejudice, all rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author. Published by Trailheads Publications, The Center for Self Leadership, P.C., Post Office Box 3969, Oak Park, Illinois 60303.

ISBN: 978-0-615-24932-2

Lovingly dedicated to my parentsGen and Ted Schwartz

my biggest mentors and tor-mentors

Acknowledgments

The words in this book are well earned. I have had relationships with many people that could be considered intimate, and I have learned from all of them. Some of my best teachers have been the clients who have allowed me to experiment with their internal and external families and who have chal enged my parts. Im grateful to them all.

Nancy Schwartz is the non-client who taught me the most about intimate partnerships, and suffered the most while I was learning. Im also extremely grateful to the many other people who have helped me grow personal y in this area and who have been patient with my delicate exiles and tiresome protectors.

In terms of the production of this book, I am very grateful to Kira Freed for her wonderful and painstaking copyediting and for her generosity with her time. William Harryman also donated time and made valuable comments on the manuscript. Karon Brashares provided expert supervision of the whole project.

Final y, many of the ideas in this book were the product of discussions with IFS senior trainers as we explored how to bring IFS to couples. There were many such contributors, but in particular I want to thank Toni Herbine-Blank, who has an amazing intuition for these issues, and Susan McConnell, who is wise about all kinds of things.

Other books authored or coauthoredby Richard C. Schwartz

Internal Family Systems Therapy

Guilford Press

Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model Trailheads Publications

Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods

Allyn and Bacon

The Mosaic Mind: Empowering the Tormented Selvesof Child Abuse Survivors

Trailheads Publications

Metaframeworks: Transcending the Models

of Family Therapy

Jossey-Bass

Handbook of Family Therapy

Training and Supervision

Guilford Press

Internal Family Systems Therapy Internal Family Systems TherapySM is one of the fastest growing approaches to psychotherapy. It has developed over the past twenty years into a way of understanding and treating human problems that is empowering, effective, and nonpathologizing. Internal Family SystemsSM (IFS) involves helping people heal by listening inside themselves in a new way to different partsfeelings or thoughtsand, in the process, unburdening themselves of extreme beliefs, emotions, sensations, and urges that constrain their lives. As they unburden, people have more access to Self, our most precious human resource, and are better able to lead their lives from that centered, confident, compassionate place.

In his new book, Richard Schwartz brings the genius of his Internal Family Systems approach to relationship work. It is a marriage made in heaven. IFS work can liberate us from the bondage of our complex family of subpersonalities, freeing us to truly relate to others from Self. Schwartzs examination of this possibility is lucid, extremely detailed, and practical, while at the same time holding an appropriately expansive view of the human heart and the mature practice of courageous love. The book should be on every therapists reading list.

Stephen Cope, author of

Yoga and the Quest for the True Self and The Wisdom of Yoga Director of the Kripalu Institute for Extraordinary Living

Join Dr. Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS, and discover the foundations of loving intimacy.

A remarkable book that guides you through the journey of relating differently inside yourself to a more trusting and alive relationship with your partner. Combining professional wisdom and heart, this book will touch and inspire therapists as well as couples.

Jette S. Simon, Director,

The Washington D.C. Training Institute for Couples Therapy Institut for Imagoterapi, Denmark

Table of Contents

The Three Projects

Romantic Rescue: Debbies Story

Becoming the Primary Caretaker of Your Parts

The Self

Self-to-Self Interaction

Speaking for Parts

Isolation

Cultural Pressure for the Romantic Rescue

Staying Out of the Dark Sea

The Empty Self

Another Kind of Happiness

The Cruel Joke

Gender Socialization

Multiplicity Versus the Myth

of the Monolithic Personality

The Development and Power of Exiles

The Magical Kitchen Metaphor

Well-Fed Parts

How Exiles Develop

Three Ways Parts Are Exiled

We Bury Our Joy

x | You Are the One Youve Been Waiting For The Power of Exiles

Finding and Healing Exiles

Extreme Beliefs About Relationships

Attachment Theory and Exiles

Trailheads and Tor-mentors

Summary

Solution

The Neo-exiles: Parts Exiled by the Relationship

The Neo-exiling Power of Abandonment Anxiety

Courageous Love

Doomed Relationships

The Pros, the Antis, and the Unaffecteds

Noticing Protectors

Summary

An Example of Growing Toward Self-Leadership

The Kevin Brady Story

The Effects of Trauma

Kevins Protectors

Cracked Fortress

Protector Fears

Going Inside

The Suicidal Part

Helping Exiles Heal

Contents | xi

Helens Work

The Couples Sessions

Being the I in the Storm

Speaking For Rather than From

Self-Leadership as a Way of Interacting

Reparations

Remaining the I in the Storm

When You Are Your Own Primary Caretaker

Anticipating Trouble

Partner as Tor-mentor

Virtuous Cycles

Getting Practical: How to Bring In

Courageous Love

Following the Relationship Trailhead

When a Part Feels Exiled by the Relationship

When a Part Is Protecting Hurt or Exiled Parts

When a Part Is Polarized with Another Part

Revealing Your Parts

Self-to-Self Discussions

Conflict

Intimacy

Good Luck

References

Introduction

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the others welcomeand say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart