Bushe - My Broken Vagina

About the author

Fran Bushe is an award-winning comedian, writer and performer. She ahs had sold-out runs and a UK tour of her multi-award winning show Ad Libido , and wrote The Diary of My Broken Vagina for Channel 4 Comedy in 2019. She has written sketches for Comedy Central and her play Alive Day is published in 20 Short Plays with Big Roles for Women . Fran has spent years boning up on sex. She has spoken with leading researchers, pleasure coaches and interviewed a growing number of people about their sexual experiences. It has also meant flustering many helpful members of staff at The British Library, with endless requests for books on the clitoris. Shes popped crystals in her vagina, attended a vulva massage workshop and visited a sex camp where she had her Yoni (vagina) worshipped.

Her candid approach to discussing sex and pleasure has led to her speaking with BBC Womans Hour, Cosmopolitan and Jameela Jamils I Weigh. In 2018 she won Performer of the Year at the Sexual Freedom Awards (the statuette of which is a large golden winged phallus which lives on her parents mantlepiece).

Acknowledgements

I imagined writing a book would be a very solitary, lock yourself away in an attic and only emerge (as a husk) when the last full stop is placed activity. It is a bit like that (I am definitely a bit husky), but this book is also a big lively celebration of so many people and so much talking. My Broken Vagina would never have got down on the page without the kindness of people who really believed in it and me. Big thanks to everyone who kept me writing it, I am beyond lucky to have had your support.

To everyone at JULA, you really are the friendliest agency. Huge thanks especially to Rachel Mann for believing I could write a book, having only seen me transform into a dolphin onstage. I feel so proud to be represented by you and look forwards to writing many more books!

Thank you to everyone at Hodder Studio. I cant wait to meet you all in person and see more than just your heads and shoulders on zoom calls. Big thanks to my editor Myfanwy Moore, for being so smart, gentle and perceptive with my story, to Izzy Everington, for kindly steering this newbie through the world of books and to Jo Myler for the perfect cover design and trying so many different caterpillars. To Ellie Wheeldon, Callie Robertson, Dominic Gribbin, Veronique Norton, thank you for helping my book get out into the world and finding creative ways to say vagina, orgasm and sex in a world that sends emails containing those words straight to the spam folder.

A huge thank you to the vagina community. You are the most welcoming of communities. If I ever write a book about my nasal passage, I can only pray that the nose community will be as warm. Big thanks to Sam Evans, Lavinia Winch, Tabitha Rayne and The Vag Network. To the people who gave up their time to speak to me about their sex lives, thank you for generously sharing your most personal of stories. Thank you to everyone who took the time to fill in the sex surveys, even the bots... I am very glad I could provide a safe space for bots to share their sex worries.

To ALL of the Lauras in my life. Thank you for all the advice, support and pep talks along the way. Thanks to Amelie Roch for going above and beyond; I am going to take you to Decorate a Dildo to say thank you the minute we are allowed out. Big kisses to Lisa Mackenzie, we might never have met if we hadnt both had broken vaginas. To every friend who has replied to my Does the world really want to hear about my vagina? texts late at night with affirmative Yes, yes they really do. To everyone who was patient when I had my head stuck far too far up my own vagina, I love you lots and will take you for a pint to say thank you soon. To James Rowland for bringing me plates of food in the shape of different smiley faces and reminding me to ask for help when I needed it. I really am terrible at asking for help, but people were always overbrimming with ideas, love and support.

To everyone who has supported me with my writing, helped me work out how to speak about my vagina, sung about my work from the rooftops and poured a large glass of wine when needed: Ellen Havard, Annie May Fletcher, Laura Horton, everyone in the workshop run by Briony Kimmings, Sarah Blanc, everyone at The Pleasance, Kate and Andy at Shiny Button, Hilly Fletcher, Katie Langridge, Kate Turner, Emma Harpley, Perdita Stott, Ashleigh Laurence, Lucy Atkinson, Amala Anyika, Daisy Hale & Sean Brooks. Thank you for having my back.

Thank you to my parents, for having my winged penis trophy on your mantelpiece, my show posters on your walls, and always being very proud and supportive. Also for all the cake.

I wrote this book during a time when we werent allowed to properly see or touch each other. So, to everyone that made that a little easier, thank you from the very bottom of my vag.

A Note from a Weary Author

I hear youre writing a book about sex Fran.

3.00 a.m.

Hi, ex-boyfriend from the past.

8.32 a.m.

Weve had sex.

8.37 a.m.

Yep.

9.00 a.m.

So, the book is about me?

9.01 a.m.

... No.

9.30 a.m.

But weve had sex.

9.32 a.m.

... Yep?

9.35 a.m.

So Im the main character!?

9.37 a.m.

No.

9.45 a.m.

But the storyline is about me?

9.47 a.m.

You arent in my book.

[Unimpressed smiley face]

9.57 a.m.

[Thinking smiley face]

WHY NOT?!!!

Put me in the book.

I think my skills should be immortalised in the literary canon!

10.00 a.m.

[Unimpressed smiley face]

11.00 a.m.

I mean make me anonymous, but say like... the cool one.

With a beard. That works in the Arts.

11.03 a.m.

That actually doesnt whittle you guys down.

At all.

1.04 p.m.

Lets meet. I can give you anecdotes

OR

be your editor

(Ive written 3 best man speeches

now so am great at writing).

[smiley face]

10.54 p.m.

OR give you a little reminder of my skills...

[aubergine emoji] [winking smiley]

[acrobat emoji]

11.00 p.m.

U up Fran?

11.10 p.m.

Fran? U up?

12.05 a.m.

Fran?

2.34 a.m.

When I started speaking publicly about sex, nearly all of my past lovers got in touch. Long-term relationships, two-date Bumble swipes, anyone who had ever been remotely near my vagina.

Past lovers, this book is not about you. It is not a kiss and tell. It is not a tour de foreskin.

This book is about me and about sex. It is indisputable that a lot, in fact the majority of the sex Ive had involved another human person, but this story is mine. It has been all about you for too, too, too long.

Ok, that is more than enough space to devote to you.

Now it is time for me.

Faking Orgasms & Is It My Penis? Man

Yes! Yes! Yes!

This story began astride an ex-boyfriend.

Oh my. Right there. Thats it.

I was twenty-nine years old and giving an Oscar award winning performance. Running my hands through my tangled hair, writhing passionately, I tossed my head frantically like an orca whale breaching the surface. Splash!

Yeehaaa. Ring-a-ding-ding. Wham Bam Thank You

Through hair flicks and exuberant groans, I looked down proudly. He was absolutely loving this show. I was so good at being good at sex, an intercourse entertainer, a true coitus artiste.

Im so close. Ill be coming round the mountain when I come. In 100 yards (according to satnav) I will have reached my destination.

I could almost imagine the trailer: Sex superstar Bushe gives a captivating and glamorously spellbinding performance in the sensual extravaganza of the year! Coming soon! Rated 18

I had carefully curated this experience for him, so he could have no doubt at all that he was indeed an exceptional lover, THE BEST AT SEX, deserving of a gold medal and a place on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square.