Francesca Beauman - How to Crack an Egg with One Hand: A Pocketbook for the New Mother

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I am in pig, what dyou think of that?

A most hideous expression, Linda dear, said Aunt Emily, but I suppose we must congratulate you.

I suppose so, said Linda. She sank into a chair with an enormous sigh. I feel awfully ill, I must say.

But think how much good it will do you in the long run, said Davey, enviously, such a wonderful clear-out.

FROM the day that you, like Linda in The Pursuit of Love by Nancy Mitford (1945), announce to the world that you are pregnant, the most intimate parts of your body suddenly become public property, and it becomes seemingly socially acceptable for complete strangers to ask you about the size of your cervix. This is not the only reason why, on paper, the decision to have a baby is a completely irrational one. It drains you of sleep, money, opportunities to wear very high heels and a whole other multitude of pleasures. Yet, for some reason, lots of us still choose to do it, year after year after year. The thing is, if it was about being rational, the human race would have died out before Adam and Eve had even had a chance to shake the mud off their gardening gloves.

The result? Last year in Britain 708,711 babies were born. Simultaneously, almost the same number of books about babies were published. The huge majority of these books were the sort of narrowly focused babycare manuals that, in the twenty-first century, have come to seem increasingly outdated. These days, becoming a new mother is no longer just about learning how to change a nappy or help your baby sleep through the night: rather, it is a dizzying and delicate dance around an endless, wearisome barrage of new products, new advice, new scientific studies and new government guidelines. Mothers today are widely expected to be able to crack an egg with one hand, quote Nabokov on prams and save a baby from choking ideally, all at the same time.

The job thus demands a far broader skill set than ever before. But worry not: How to Crack an Egg with One Hand: A Pocket Book for the New Mother is here to help. Contained within these pages is everything a twenty-first-century new mother needs to know. Keep it in the back pocket of your maternity jeans or the front pocket of your nappy bag, by the loo or next to the kettle. It might just keep you sane.

YOGA works wonders for pregnant women, specifically by soothingly engaging certain parts of the body that will soon know more exercise than ought to be legal. Regular indulgence in what originally developed out of ancient Indian asceticism culminates in a trouble-free pregnancy, natural birth and a speedy reintroduction of tight jeans or so devotees claim. For those who need further persuasion, here are five additional reasons to brave a local yoga class of a rainy Tuesday evening.

They are a reason to leave work early.

They smell delicious, like a Catholic church.

They are a way to meet other women in the same predicament, particularly if ones local NCT group is oversubscribed, or chaotically run.

It is difficult to have huge amounts of fun in a pub these days, so yoga is a legitimate way of whiling away a few dull hours once night has fallen.

It is an excuse to lie like a beached whale in a darkened room, where one cannot be roped into discussions about mortgages or the recession.

There is one serious risk involved, though: that is, the risk that one might be asked to chant. So beware. There are also some who are quite simply allergic to the prospect of a class of any sort, be it yoga 101, teach yourself brain surgery or how to survive on an international space station, because it is just too reminiscent of school. So here are a few yoga exercises to try at home instead. It is recommended, however, that you follow them under expert supervision, as for maximum efficacy the exercises should be practised in conjunction with pranayamas and other such business.

FIRST TRIMESTER

1. Ardha Titali Asana (Half Butterfly)

Right. Sit on the floor. Legs outstretched! Fold up right leg, and pop right foot as far up left thigh as you can. Place right hand atop folded right knee. Grasp toes of right foot with left hand. Whilst inhaling, slowly move right knee towards breasts. Exhaling, gently push knee down as if to touch the floor. Your body should not move. Any leg movement achieved should be through application of right arm. Repeat with the left limb. Creakily practise ten goes with each leg.

Benefits? Great for limbering up the hip joints, thereby encouraging a speedier delivery.

2. Supta Udarakarshanasana (Sleeping Abdominal Stretch)

Lie on back. Aaah, lovely. Fold up knees, planting soles of feet on floor. While exhaling, lower the legs to the right, attempting to meet the floor with the knees. Simultaneously, slide head round to the left, generating a healthy stretch along the length of the spine. Repeat on the opposite side by swinging legs over to the left, and bounce to the right.

Benefits? Alleviates spinal stiffness. Ameliorates digestion. Relieves constipation (though hopefully not there and then).

3. Marjariasana (Cat Stretch)

Crouch with buttocks perched on heels. Raise bottom and push weight on to knees. Pop hands flat on the ground. Breathe in whilst lifting the head and pushing the spine concave. Breathe out, dropping the bottom and stretching the spine to the ceiling. At the end of the out breath, suck in the stomach and tighten the buttocks. The head will now be nestled within the arms, looking out between legs. How appropriate! This constitutes one go. Repeat up to ten times, but do not overdo it.