First published in 2019 by Oberon Books Ltd
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Oh Yes Oh No copyright Louise Orwin, 2019
Introduction, Before, On Identity, Aftermath, Who copyright Louise Orwin, 2019
Confessions of a Feminist Masochist PPF, 2019
Louise Orwin is hereby identified as author of this play and of Introduction, Before, On Identity, Aftermath and Who in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights.
PPF is hereby identified as author of Confessions of a Feminist Masochist in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted their moral rights.
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PB ISBN: 9781786828385
E ISBN: 9781786828392
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I dont know what the question is, but sex is definitely the answer.
Joan Rivers
Some animals reverse sex, some shoot stimulant darts at each other, and some lose an arm whilst mating.
Haig H Najarian,
Sex Lives of Animals Without Backbones
(from Lorrie Moore, Self-Help)
Introduction
This is not a show about female desire. This is not a show that attempts to unravel the great mystery of WHAT WOMEN WANT TM (*cough* Freud). This is a show about what it is like to attempt to understand your own female-identified experience of desire and sexuality when you live in a culture which tells you day in and day out that sexuality is not for you. That you are there to be desired, not to desire on your own terms. This is a culture that bombards us with images that whisper, demand, that men are aggressors and women are their passive objects. It is a culture that tells little boys that she likes it hard, and little girls that he likes it more when you look like you are in pain. It is a culture that tells you it is your fault when you are raped.
This is a show about what its like to try to reclaim your desire in the face of all of this. It is not a show about answers, it is a show about a question that is trying to form on the tip of your tongue, and a sneaking suspicion that your desire may not be your own. It is about fucking and shame and trauma. About what it is like to begin to articulate what you want, on your terms, for maybe the first time in your life.
A NOTE ON THE PUBLICATION
The purpose of this publication is not to stand in for the show, but to stand alongside it as a document, or a witness to the process. For this reason you will find extended notes on the making of the show, and excerpts from the show score. The live show is populated with sections of edited audio from the interviews I undertook in the research for the show. This audio is designed to be listened to during the show, so for the purposes of this publication you will find edited extracts from these sections.
Before
THOUGHTS ON THE PROCESS
Sometimes shows have a way of revealing themselves to you before you even know what they are about. In 2016, I decided I wanted to make a show about female desire how often it is misconceived, misappropriated, and crucially, underestimated. I called it Oh Yes Oh No. At the time, I was unaware how the title of the show pointed so directly to my unconscious understanding of my own desire and sexuality; how bound up it was in navigating positive and negative experiences, and the confusion that lay therein.
I wanted to make a show about embracing female desire, but I found myself repeatedly coming back to my own experience of rape, and this niggling feeling that I wasnt entirely in control of my own desire. At the source of it, I felt a deep shame about my sexuality. The kinds of things that turned me on were things that I assumed were at odds with my politics. I wanted to know if I was truly the owner of my desire. I wanted to know where my impulses and ideas came from. I wanted to know if I could begin to untangle it from the narrow narrative of heteronormative desire that we are spoon-fed by dominant culture. I wondered if other women felt similarly.
We have been taught to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings. (Audre Lorde)
As I began the research process for the show, I began conducting interviews and workshops with participants who either identified as female, were socialised as female, or were assigned female at birth (inclusive of trans* and non-binary people). We talked about their experiences of sex and desire, and found that this question came up time and time again, the idea of OH YES and OH NO being in tandem. This, of course, is not to say that all the people I spoke to had rape fantasies or fantasised about being dominated or hurt during sex, but many had aspects of their sexuality that they were not entirely comfortable with. Starting with my own experience of shame and difficulty, I began to think about whether it mattered if you had sexual fantasies that were at odds with your politics or ethics. I wondered whether our sexual lives and political lives could or should ever be separate.
How is it that I can be a rape victim and have rape fantasies? Is this desire a clever form of re-writing and reclamation, or a symptom of trauma? Can it be both? And if so, how do we begin to reclaim our desire from a place of trauma, and hold both ideas in our bodies and minds?
Our fantasies are not created in a vacuum. According to many studies, somewhere between half to a third of all women have rape fantasies. And many women who have these fantasies find them troubling. Let us be clear, rape is always an abhorrent, violent act. Women who have rape fantasies do not want to be raped. But somewhere within the fantasy lies a wish to be dominated, to be objectified, or to play with the illusion of non-consensual sexual acts.
