Jeffery Self - Straight People: A Spotter’s Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals

My survival kit is now complete with Jeffery Selfs hilarious new book! I feel more confident and educated, and frankly, safer among heterosexuals now after reading this guide book!

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, star of Modern Family

Ive always claimed that Jeffery Self is the funniest writer and performer of his generation. Straight People is the hilarious LOL nail in any counter-argument coffin. Because Ill kill anyone who disagrees.

Joshua Kilmer-Purcell, author of I Am Not Myself These Days, star of The Fabulous Beekman Boys, and winner of The Amazing Race, season 21

What Jeffery Self knows about straight people would fit in a book. I laughed a lot and learned a great deal. Its the literary equivalent of a rectal examination.

Graham Norton, host of The Graham Norton Show

People always say that Jeffery Self is the poor mans Kristen Johnston, but thats not only untrue, its offensive to both of us. Hes quite clearly the poor mans Amy Sedaris.

Kristen Johnston, star of 3rd Rock from the Sun, The Exes, and author of Guts

Jeffery Self is hilarious. His originality and wit blow me away every time!

Amy Schumer, stand-up comedienne and actress

Jefferys humor combines old-guard theater queen sophistication with 21st century irreverenceand his work often reduces me to tears of laughter.

Christopher Rice, New York Times bestselling author and co-host of The Dinner Party Show

Straight People

A Spotters Guide to the Fascinating

World of Heterosexuals

Jeffery Self

2013 by Jeffery Self

Published by Running Press,

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.

Books published by Running Press are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail .

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012944545

E-book ISBN 978-0-7624-4898-2

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing

Cover and interior design by Jason Kayser

Edited by Jordana Tusman

Typography: Concorde, Helvetica, and Sketchetik

Running Press Book Publishers

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Philadelphia, PA 19103-4371

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Dedication

To my parents, two of the coolest Heterosexuals Ive ever met. And to Patrick, my bug.

Here well get to know each other, like really get to know each other. Know what I mean? No. Not like that. Geez. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is a book, for crying out loud!

This chapter outlines the varied breeds within the Heterosexual species. From Hipsters to Married Couples to Sassy Black Ladies, refer to this chapter while Heterosexual Watching to determine what kind of Heterosexual youve spotted.

An explanation of the diverse habitats of the Heterosexual, from those found in metropolitan cities to those living a quieter life in suburbia.

An exploration of the quirky habits practiced by Heterosexuals, from their gender-specific watering holes (called Straight Bars) to their distinctive mating rituals (known as dating).

This chapter takes you on a journey through the Heterosexuals migratory patterns, exploring vacation hot spots, such as Colonial Williamsburg and Orlando, Florida. Pack a suitcase, were going on a Straight Person vacation!

This chapter describes the spectrum of feeding patterns distinct to the Heterosexual. Get ready to be hungry! Better yet, go ahead and grab a snack and get one for me, too! Yes, Bugles are a great idea.

Heterosexuals gravitate toward a unique brand of pop culture, one unlike that of any other species. For example, while Heterosexuals have little time for musical theater, their patience for Dane Cook is seemingly inexhaustible. In this chapter, we explore the ins and outs of Heterosexuals pop culture preferences and how to better understand their celebrity icons.

A complete guide to the calls and songs of Heterosexuals, including tips on how to open up a conversation with Heterosexuals, and a glossary of the terms that youll need in order to do so.

In this chapter I am forced to say good-bye and, even though we just met, I can already tell Im going to miss you.

HELLO, HETEROSEXUAL WATCHERS, STRAIGHT-PEOPLE SPOTTERS, and Opposite-Sex-Couples Enthusiasts! My name is Jeffery Self, and, yes, that is a real name.

I know what youre thinking: The name Self sounds about as made up as Whoopi Goldberg, but youre wrong. Self is my given name, but while were on the topic: Whoopi Goldberg is the most ridiculous of made-up names in the history of such a thing. Especially when you consider that her real name is Caryn Elaine Johnson. I think that I seem more like a Caryn Elaine Johnson than Whoopi Goldberg does, but none of this has anything to do with Heterosexuals except that Whoopi is one of thembut enough about Whoopi; lets get back to my book, shall we?

Now, you might be wondering about me. Thats to be expected because, well, Im endlessly fascinating. Youre probably asking yourself or your significant other, or your Wilson soccer ball with a face drawn on it if youre Tom Hanks in Cast Away, why should I learn about Straight People from this guy?! He seems like a total D-bag, and Jeffery Self is maybe the stupidest name Ive heard since Meryl Streep named her daughter Mamie Gummer. What authority does this Jeffery freaking Self have to tell me anything about anything? Especially Straight People?

That is a totally valid question, and Im happy to answer it if youd lower your voice, lighten your tone, and leave Meryl Streeps immediate family out of this. Here are 10 of my qualifications that you should know before we get started:

I live in Los Angeles, where some of the worlds most famous Heterosexuals reside. In my short time here Ive seen: Emily VanCamp shopping for a mattress, the guy from Entourage eating a Chinese chicken salad at a restaurant, and even Kirstie Alley standing in a shop window staring at traffic with a look that either said, I have been wronged by the world one too many times or I am Kirstie Alley.