Michael Cox - Fitter, Faster, Funnier Football

Published 2014 by
A & C Black
Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
50 Bedford Square, London, WC1B 3DP
www.bloomsbury.com

This electronic edition published in 2014 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

Text copyright 2014 Michael Cox
Illustrations copyright 2014 Miguel Francisco
Copyright 2014 A & C Black
Additional illustrations Shutterstock

eISBN 978-1-4081-9468-3 (e-book)

All rights reserved
You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages

The rights of Michael Cox and Miguel Francisco to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work have been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyrights, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

A CIP catalogue for this book is available from the British Library.

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IMPORTANT:

When trying out any football tricks it is essential that you follow proper safety precautions, and receive proper supervision and instructions from a trained professional or teacher.

W e all know that the international competition known as the FIFA World Cup is an awe-inspiring soccer spectacle in which world-class football teams battle for glory. But did you know that its also the setting for absolutely hundreds of weird, wonderful and wildly hilarious moments! In this book you will discover

Find out if youve got what it takes to be a World Cup soccer superhero, by completing two hilarious questionnaires: how to score a winning World Cup goal with the perfect penalty kick; and how to be a dynamic dribbler, superb shooter, heroic header, dauntless defender and gutsy goalie.

And if thats not enough to keep you glued to your football stadium seat, there are also World Cup quizzes to do and, brain teasers for you to try. Plus lots, lots more!

So what are you waiting for! Lace up your footie boots, slot in your shin pads and slip on your shorts! Then its

F ootball officially began in England in 1848 when the first ever rules were laid down for the game at Cambridge University. But all sorts of versions of footy have been played for yonks longer than that. Some matches involved teams of a thousand players with goals ten miles apart, whilst others, such as Calcio first played in the 16th century in Italy, involved a mere 27 players per team and took place in a giant sandpit.

The footballs themselves have also varied a lot. Early ones were stuffed with materials ranging from fur, moss, grass and sawdust to caribou hair and, quite often, werent particularly round. However, the Jabulani balls, which were used in the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, were claimed by their makers to be the roundest footballs ever. The least round football ever was probably the one used in one of the first ever matches to be played in England. In this little 7th century kick-around, victorious Saxon warriors used the head of a defeated Viking prince as their ball (fortunately for him, it was no longer attached to his body).

E ven though they eventually gave up booting around the decapitated heads of Scandiwegian noblemen, many of these old soccer games continued to be extremely violent. And still are! For instance, the footbrawl match which has been played on Pancake Day for at least eight hundred years in the Derbyshire town of Ashbourne. Read on to get an idea of how the modern game has come on since then.

Split your players into two teams: the UpArds (players who live north of the river) and the DownArds (players who live south of the river).

Dont worry about limiting your teams to 11 men each. Have as many as 100, if you want to!

Your goals are mill stones. Set them three miles apart, each one in the river. Yes, youre going to get wet. In fact, you may well end up playing your entire game in the river!

Suggest to the local shopkeepers that they board up their windows as, come kick-off things around the town, will be getting a bit lively.

Kick off at two in the afternoon and continue playing until ten at night yes, a mere eight hours!

Start your game by appointing a turner upper, thats the person who stands on the raised plinth then lobs the ball towards the waiting mob, sorry the waiting players.

Rather than scoring by putting the ball into your opponents goal, you must attempt to get it to your own goal post, then tap it three times.

You can kick, carry or throw the ball, but you must not hide it down your trousers, in a bag or under your coat.

You must not hop on a bus with the ball or sneak into your car and drive it the three miles back to your goal.

Rough play is allowed but you must not go as far as actually murdering your opponents (this would get you a red card, not to mention life imprisonment).